Hi ladies, I have not frequented this forum in a long time. I've had some deaths in my life as well as being busy earning money, and trying to focus on other areas of my life. I miss you all though. This post is super long. I'm here to vent and just to write like a diary. I share a secret in this post that I hope I don't get burned to the stake since it is about a very serious subject. (Porn) Recently I decided- I do not want to marry and I've never really wanted kids. I only wanted human kids when I was dating my ex who I legit thought we were going to marry and have a family but that shit ended. But without him, I never wanted kids, even when I was dating other men. I'm also turned off at marriage now. He kind of ruined everything and It just doesn't appeal to me anymore and it seems like an easy way to get hurt. Theres no benefits to it for women and it's just a waste of resources and time. now that I don't want marriage or kids.... my sex drive. Now. is. through. The. roof. I want sex and I crave it so badly lately. My body is physically aching. I've only felt this way before I become physically intimate with my then boyfriend (being turned on). Normally without a boyfriend, I get horny (I dislike this word lol) once a month (1 or 2 days!) during ovulation phase. But I've been craving touch for a lot longer now, even when I'm not ovulating. My dumbfuck ass texted my ex on Instagram a few days ago. To clarify, I haven't seen this dude since 2023. My THIRSTY ass contacted him! I immediately felt embarassed and ashamed. I didn't log in to Instagram for a few days. I logged in and saw he read it and didn't reply. I'm glad he didn't reply to my late night thirsty text that I'm so ashamed of. I deactivated my IG (not because of him only, but because I periodically do it anyway). After that I started to think "I need to get back on FDS lol" I became a "scrote". You know how men sexualize every woman? Like you're at the grocery store and the cashier starts hitting on you. Or, you recieve stares from random men workers on street And you just know they are sexualizing you. NOW ITS ME! I was at the store the other day and it was a cute cashier that I always see and he smiled at me in a way where I thought "ugh I would love to get physically intimate". Or when I see a random attractive guy walking. I'm having sexually intimate dreams of men from my past. I wake up with my body aching and craving touch. I've never "hooked up" with any guy. The only men (2 men) ive been with sexually were with my boyfriends. Im not sure how to be intimate with a man without emotional bond. And im not sure if I even want to try it out because I may get attached and cry and go crazy. I am still healing that part of me with attachment issues with in person therapy and online resources. I may get people on here disgusted with me. And I understand why. And I'm quite scared to share this on here... but I'll be honest. When I was a child (around 5) I was exposed to pornography. When I was around 10, I would watch it and touch myself. It became an addiction for years, but it wasn't daily. It was about, or less than, 20 times a year which I still think of it as an addiction. And I'm disgusted and ashamed with myself. I am talking about this at therapy too. When I have a boyfriend, I don't watch pornography. And the pornography I watch is woman with woman (but.... their free only fans I can find on the internet that I don't have to buy /and back then it was their cams chat rooms). I'm DISGUSTED and I KNOW it's wrong. And I always cry after watching porn. I am currently working on this. I think pornography is a sickness and cancer to society and I hate myself for indulging in it when I do. Lately with my craving for sex, I've still been staying away from porn. But now my body aches for sex. I do NOT want to watch porn. I've tried masturbating to "nothing" and just closing my eyes and letting the feelings guide me. It's not working. It feels good but not really. It can't get me to orgasm either. So I feel frustrated still. I want certain touches that my own hands or mouth cannot give me. I've never bought a sex toy before. Perhaps it's time I buy one for myself? I saw a post a few days ago talking about this similar problem. I've read the replies. Nothing really "resonated" with me where it sounded like a desirable idea to try. I may just still choose something. I REALLY don't want to make the mistake (again) with texting men from my past. I don't know if I am capable of hooking up. And even if I were capable, I feel like it's a bad idea. I want to align myself more with FDS. I just really needed to vent this. I was going to text my sister about this but she's married with kids and she's very pro marriage and pro family. She wouldn't understand. She tells me to go out and meet new men and date to marry. I have women friends who are all married with kids. I'm the only single one with no kids. I feel better I got to write this all out to ladies who get me and who share some of my thoughts. I really hope I don't get banned here (for talking about my porn addiction) and I think it's a good idea to start coming to this forum more frequentlyagain and..... refresh myself with reading the handbook again. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or if I just wanted to get my feelings out. I think it was to vent. Thanks for reading if you read this entire train wreck 🙁

How do you all find and make friends who share your mentality especially with men and dating. Most women are pick mes obsessed with fairytales. How do you suss out if a woman is realistic and has high standards. Without being one of those crazy women who blindly follows sheraseven with no internal logic or discernment. Share tips!!