.png)
I have been doing this lately as practice, since women are usually taught to brush off red flags, give it more time, give him another chance. If we DO cut off a man at the first red flag, we're called over dramatic, paranoid, trust issues, insecure, picky, standards too high, etc.
But the truth is, I think that all of us can look back on those red flags we shouldn't have ignored, and how we would have been free from so much pain, heartache, and literal danger if we had listened to our gut feeling that was telling us to run away.
I'll go first! Here's a list of the first red flags for LVM in my life who I dated:
First red flag - his way of flirting was "playfully" being mean... Result - ended up leaving me for his best friend who he had feelings for
First red flag - was texting a woman who he used to be friends with, who's boyfriend forbid them from hanging out so they had to text in secret... Result - emotionally abusive and manipulative, heavily into BDSM, choking and bondage, dropped out of college from partying every night, when I confronted him with issues in our relationship he would cry about what a terrible person he is and I'd have to comfort him, triangulated me with other women
First red flag - asked me to be his girlfriend on the second date and when I said no because it's too early, he said "oh I just asked that because that's what women want to hear"... Result - extremely sexist, constant negging in the relationship about my appearance and intelligence, would yell at me at the slightest inconvenience to the point where I'd cry, and when I told him not to yell at me, would complain that "he isn't allowed to be annoyed with me", claimed that his ex was physically abusive and that men get abused too but I found a report about him from when he was in college about an "assault" reported by a woman
First red flag - negged me on our first date and split the check for dinner, and I also had to pick the place for our first date... Result - ended up choking me unprompted the first time we had sex and didn't care about my pleasure at all
First red flag - kissed me at the end of our first date even though I was showing no signs of wanting to kiss... Result - groped me and grabbed my ass at the end of our second date unprompted
First red flag - complained that all women on the dating apps are "butt ugly"... Result - negged me about my physical appearance, checked out women in front of me, gaslit me when confronting him about problems, always wanted to split the check, used me as a free therapist
First red flag - had a calendar on his wall with pictures of models in bikinis... Result - constant negging about my appearance, liked to remind me that I wasn't his type, dismissive of my feelings, momma's boy, man child, lied to all of our friends about how our breakup went to make me look bad
This exercise has been SO helpful for me, and a depressing but enlightening reminder of why I need to be ruthless and cut men off at the first red flag no matter what. I will never know what he's capable of when I walk away, and that's the point. If I had dropped these men at the first sign, I would have been so much better off.
What were the first red flags that you ignored?
Hindsight is 20/20 but here’s some red flags from various first dates where I went on to waste weeks, months, or years of my time.
Drank two beers with dinner while I drank water - turned out he heavily used alcohol and drugs
Planned a coffee date which felt like a coworking session, he had his laptop and a coffee already, and I bought myself a coffee - he was an "entrepreneur" who was actually perpetually broke and unemployed
Went on a long walk date where he acted confused and led me along a long stretch of busy road - a total nut job with deep psychological issues and a personality disorder
Dinner date but he planned poorly and the restaurant was closed so we sat at a nearby park for two hours, while I was ravenous - he went on to always prioritize his own needs and comfort over mine, to the point of assaulting me
This is why we don't forgive poor treatment on a first date - because it will only go on to get SO MUCH WORSE.
The most common, number one red flag i've experienced and seen from LVMs is this ;
They make things sexual and talk about sex very early on.
This is by either trying to take you back to their place, a hotel, etc, talking about their fetishes and turn ons, speaking about women in an objectifying way, thirsting over you and asking for "pics". Any well educated man with the slightest bit of integrity and self discipline wouldn't dare do these things. If a man thinks a first date, or any early date is time to sleep with a woman he thinks he is entitled to womens bodies. A pornsick man is easily recognizable with the way he talks about women and the feminine, and sometimes they are even more obvious with their IG following list.
Some other early red flags i've experienced are:
Going 50-50, and on low effort dates. Refusal to plan dates themselves.
No sign of accountability on his last breakup. It was all her fault, she was horribly abusive and so on - chances are he was abusive, not her.
Unemployed - why as a man would you try dating if you are broke?? how would you buy gifts, take her out on dates, or financially afford a future? He won't, and hasnt thought about it because he's a dusty. It shows that such things don't go through his head. He doesnt want a dream woman he can spoil and treat well, he wants a bangmaid who can fullfill his sexual and emotional needs.
Any talk of women being crazy ie "the women i met up with were crazy".
Excessively talking about themselves. This shows insecurity, plus no man who is interested in you as a person would make a date or conversation about themselves. They are self absorbed, a narccisist or too insecure for a relationship.
Trying to date while confessing he has mental health issues. This is not the right headspace to be dating others. Women will be used as free therapy.
The worst LVM I ever met.
I told him my job and he says “Wow, I’m surprised you still rent then” Now I see that it was clearly a neg, and subsequent behavior proved that to be true, but when I asked friends/family, they assured me that he was probably just socially awkward and didn’t realize how that came across as very rude.
Funnily enough, an offer I placed on a house got accepted a few days later and I told him. He kept trying to discourage me from going through with it. 😂
One that all my LV exes have had early on, now that I look back, is during the initial talking stage they would "tell me about myself". Which ended up being either what they wanted to manipulate me into being, or projection of some ex/unattainable conquest they resented.
Eyeing other women while walking around with me and barely hiding it was the first red flag
We were watching something and just talking and then he looks out the window and it starts to rain. He then proceeds to tell me that he may start crying. He said he cries everytime it rains because his woman friend died in his arms while it was raining when he was in middle school. There’s multiple red flags in this one moment.
1. Why does he tell me something big and tragic on day 2 of meeting him?
2. Why is it day 2 and you’re already talking about another woman in your arms?
3. The other red flag is, dude needs therapy about this but hasn’t gotten it. If you’re still crying *every time* it rains about something that happened like 15 years ago or something then you NEED therapy.
Another red flag I ignored with someone else is that in the second month I found out that his ex was still texting him. Sending him pics of him from her camera roll. He never replied but what the fuck? He didn’t want to block her for the longest time because he wants the pics of himself. I still dated him. 🤡
I met him just before my birthday and he bought me an expensive gift on first date just after dinner. Sounds lovely but in retrospect it was over the top and love bombing. Over time became more and more of a mooch and abusive, total opposite of how he started with me.
Lied about being employed. I didn't find out for a couple months that he pretty much had quit the sometimes-gig he had when he met me that he said was a full-on job. By then I don't know why I wasn't completely turned off by that but he had me hooked.
His driving scared me. The first time I got in the car with him I noticed it right away. Very aggressive driving. And he was super nonchalant about it. I asked him why does he drive right on the next cars ass all the time and he said "what? This isn't that close, you must have a bad depth perception" and we had been getting along so well otherwise that I was afraid to bring it up again. It became a huge issue though later in our relationship. He would get so frustrated at my driving telling me that I don't know how to drive just because I'm a defensive and sane cautious driver.
He told me in a month or two in that having me as a new girlfriend and announcing it on Facebook had made lots of women he knew come out of the woodworks and hit on him. He told me an ex of his kept trying to contact him and asked what he should do. I said well if she's your ex than I'd tell her to leave you alone or ignore her, no reason to talk anymore. Found out later that he talked to her behind my back for the whole relationship without me knowing. And told her what I had said and they both talked about how I was so jealous and a psycho. I now understand what he was doing as triangulation.
So many more but those were the first ones that I didn't know any better and really should have realized they were very serious issues and signs that much worse was to come.
Never would I have guessed that this man would be physically and emotionally abusive a few years later. It crept up on me. I was sleeping with a weapon on the couch, terrified of him the last couple months before I was able to get him out and get out of my lease.
He plays video games. Gamers are by far the worst. He bought expensive games while he took my money for a medical bill he tried to hide it after he accidentally slipped up.
Fck gamers, they are big children with lack of true responsible behavior, he thinks pulling out avoids pregancies when he was hinting he wanted to fuck. lol no I won't come near men who believe that.
hatfish
It's pretty normal for men in my area to always be wearing a hat. And he was certainly young enough to still have a head full of hair.
It wasn't until getting intimate and he took off his hat, that I saw he was bald...not balding but bald.
It seems like a little thing but from the very beginning he was trying to conceal who he really was.
Did just half-ass offer to pay. Pick-me me back then went 50:50 with him - resulted in me always paying after a short amount of time.
Found hairs of different colors (not mine) on his towel, his shirt etc. I had a really bad gut feeling - of course he was a cheater
Compulsive liar. A lot of things he told me didn't add up after some time. It starts with real small, everyday lies. Watch out for this. It always starts like this.
When he spent money, it wasn't his own. His dad's, his inheritance from dead relatives etc. This isn't providing. It's like stealing or using other people's money to satisfy your needs.
Didn't tell his friends, especially women friends about me. Found out later, he was cheating with his ex, too. BUT he told me about a lot of women. Classic triangulation while he also kept his options open with other woman.
Limp dick. Pornsick.
Alcoholic. They are really good at hiding this shit.
ALWAYS had an explanation for EVERYTHING. This is textbook narcisstic behavior. At first I thought "great, this guy is trustworthy!". They are not. They are just really good at hiding things from you, making up stories and explanations and maybe also be good with words.
Took his phone with him to the toilet.
Passive aggressive behavior.
Poor hygiene, weight gain after a short time into thr rlsp.
Scrote friends who straight up disrespected me.
A history of mental health problems.
-Angrily biting his lip when I said something he remotely doesn't agree with -Arguing with me in public -Getting mad that I wouldn't have sex before marriage, even though he was catholic -Easily bored (it's okay to be bored. sometimes life is boring)
-No clear pause between him dating me and breaking up with his ex (this is actually important)
-Impatient with kids
-Lied about small things (they just lie about bigger things when the time comes)
Loved the guy to pieces, but even the masculine ones become too much. He was a provider, but hated providing even though it gave him clout. He was great to build with, and when we worked together we got some shit done. A lot of these, even just getting antsy when bored, show underlying anger issues.
Where do I start
-I’ll start with the biggest one… lying about seeing other woman after he got someone else pregnant while we were married
-hiding his phone and putting on passcodes
-saying they are “just a friend”
-making an onlyfans and paying girls for pictures on my birthday
-hitting me
-ghosting me and coming back saying he actually loved me and ghosted me again
-stealing
Moving too fast and unloading all his traumas on me as if I'm his therapist. This has happened so often that it's now my #1 red flag. I've also noticed that the Venn diagram of predators + men with sob stories is a perfect circle.
Now when a man I don't even know starts telling me how he had to become the man of the house at 8-years old because his daddy walked out, I know he's either a loser or a predator (or both) and bail.
A man I went on to date for 1.5 years and even live with for 6 months turned up 30min late to our first date. He wasn’t apologetic. Turned out he was pathologically unorganised, chaotic and messy, and blissfully unaware of how this affected people around him.
Okay but that second one was truly insane 😳. Like the result was completely out of left field. Please don't blame yourself for any of this❤️
This is such a great post! Here are a few red flags I've seen. Insane they out themselves like this:
Sexual conversations, kink reveal, or any sexual come-on to you, on or before the first date: porn sick, just wants an easy lay, sexual freak or into fetishes; manipulative and probably has multiple STIs
Talks about other women: "friends" are actually fuck-buddies (or he's pursuing them); "ex" means he's still not over her; "beautiful women" he's met/seen means he's porn sick & you'll never be enough; is triangulating you
Doesn't confidently plan and lock in the first date, including choosing the place with your feedback: means he's either cheap, helpless, not into you, or a coward - or all of these
He's the victim in his life: complains about past jobs, current job, past relationships, health problems, money, anything. This means he's either manipulative, abusive, narcissistic, and/or wants something for nothing; often entitled and has anger issues, definitely wants YOU to be his wife appliance. If you don't, he'll either beat or cheat
Self-employed/Consultant: means he's unemployed. Unless he has a website, employees, and an actual company listed on LinkedIn, he is unemployed. Even then, be cautious and ask around, check Glassdoor, etc. Very few men have their own businesses, and the ones who do are usually risk-taking losers who run it into the ground (I sell companies for a living and see these types all the time)
Any reference to money problems, only pays with cash because he can't get a credit card, crappy car, lives with parents/roommates, seems wowwed by your successful life/car/profession/travels: run away fast, he's a hobosexual
Lies about anything, and when you call him on it, tells you you "misunderstood": you didn't. He's a liar & gaslighter. Liars are like murderers of the truth, and they always get worse
Doesn't ask questions about YOU, talks on and on: selfish, immature, and/or angry narcissist
Any inconsistency on his part: change in plans, lack of communication before the first date, wishy-washy anything: means he is playing the field and you're mid on the list, or he's an indecisive loser with psychological problems. You don't want either one. "If he wanted to, he would."
Your own inner voice: even if you can't quite put your finger on it, ANY odd feeling means there is something wrong. As women, we have the gift of intuition. Too often society tells us to ignore our gut (always to our own detriment). Listen to your inner voice, and act accordingly. His problems are ALWAYS worse than your darkest dreams. Trust me on this. 😣
Never stick around to see how bad it'll get. It'll always spiral into dark places, and you will get hurt. Protect yourself, let go of curiosity and second-chances. Little acorns can only grown into huge oak trees. Run away.
My ex boyfriend. On the second or third video date (this was during covid) he revealed that with his last girlfriend he wouldn't let her listen to the music she liked. They would go on road trips and he said she had a bad singing voice, so he would purposely only choose music to play that had no lyrics instead of putting on songs that she knew or recognized. He thought it was funny, and tbh at the time I didn't think much of it because I was so focused on his other "good" qualities.
Well, guess who felt constrained throughout that relationship? Guess who had to fight to listen to the music and watch the movies and tv shows I liked? He was the arbiter of what was quality art, and consistently manipulated me into "compromise" where I'd end up listening to or watching what he liked most of the time. Thankfully I lasted 10 months as his girlfriend before waking the fuck up. Someone in my life met him and told me "I think this man has the ability to be very manipulative". That was my wake up call.
Whoop, hope it's okay that I'm replying to an old post. I have a lot to say.
One guy wanted to experiment in the butt. We were later hanging out with friends and he made some sort of joke about me "needing therapy after that". None of my friends called him out for it, I guess because I acted so normal about the whole thing, but in retrospect it was messed-up of him to brag about what we did sexually, and I should have said something.
Also, the butt guy had the hots for one of my college friends. I left him at her house while I was in class, and I can't prove anything happened, but she definitely pursued him years after the fact and he definitely claimed they had some unspoken connection when they first met but because of "capitalism" they couldn't explore their true feelings. Yikes.
One guy showed me nudes of his very pregnant ex, as proof that she was still obsessed with him. Anyone who shows you someone else's nudes is not a trustworthy partner. They could easily do the same to you. No matter how mentally unstable the ex-girlfriend is, it's not an excuse.
Another guy tried to impress me by showing me photos of his pot plants. I guess thinking someone is unintelligent enough to be impressed by dumb things to the extent that they would sleep with you for those things is a red flag. I can't articulate it exactly.
One guy asked about my taste in music and when it wasn't "punk rock" enough, he called me a groupie. He asked me to be his roommate though. I turned him down because I don't believe in cohabitation, even between "friends", so he hooked up with me and then ghosted.
One got drunk and messaged me about weird sex stuff. Later on he ghosted me. Five years later he showed up on my doorstep, drunk and wanting to talk. Turned out he was an alcoholic. Go figure.
There was one guy I went to his apartment and the bathroom didn't have a door on it. The landlord was supposed to repair it, or something, but never got around to it. He got a curtain for it after I complained. When someone's living space is in such a state of disarray, it implies they are not thinking of the comfort of a potential girlfriend and are still living in gamer mancave land. Walk away.
One made a comment about "flied lice" when we went on a date to a Chinese restaurant. I should have walked out, but I was an idiot. That was also the date where he told me about the married woman he'd slept with years prior. He spent a lot of our relationship triangulating me with his past conquests, it was gross. I don't know if he ever really thought about me romantically or sexually, or if I was just a warm body to use while he fantasized about all his exes.