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Thanks for the positive feedback on my adulting post!
Same deal, this isn't my entire list, I tried to go for less obvious/common ones but nothing super specific. Emotional intelligence is so important to me that it is its own category in my standards list where I break down the ways I expect my partner to be emotionally intelligent.
capable of emotional intimacy
takes constructive criticism in a healthy way
isn't arrested by their need to satisfy their ego
understands and believes emotional abuse is abuse and no better than physical abuse
knows self sufficiency means more than just having a job
understands feelings ≠ facts
is aware/believes anger is an emotion
is not an "emotional gold digger" that uses women's emotional labor to become a better person
doesn't standard shame other women nor believes not sleeping with him is abuse/bullying
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Love that list, especially the part about emotional gold digging... so true. I don't have much to add. A few things that come to mind:
- knows the difference between processing / listening to his feelings and acting them out, good impulse control
- doesn't excuse bad behavior with "but I'm so traumatized/sad/stressed"
- knows what a real apology is (and follows it up with a change in behavior)
- has an overall calm and comforting presence and is a de-escalating influence. For example, I can get riled up quite quickly partly due to ADHD and my partner can always quickly bring me back down to earth, without invalidating my feelings at all. When others are upset or angry around him, ne never adds to the fray but rather helps calm it down.
- recognizes emotional unavailability and other unhealthy patterns on his own without being prompted
- encourages others to feel their feelings and open up (when appropriate)
- can anticipate how his partner will feel in various situations and acts accordingly
- is prepared for people being sad, angry or frustrated sometimes and doesn't except them to be "over it" immediately
- offers support without overriding your agency, helps you find out what's best for you instead of just telling you what he thinks you should do
Some things on my personal emotional intelligence list is:
Understands how his childhood/past has affected who he is and how he thinks today. Actively wants to know and understand the same about me.
Also, this should be basic, but can predict how his actions will impact me (vast majority of the time, or course everyone will have things they have specific reactions about that can be learned over time as they come up). But like, there’s no ”ohhh you didn’t *tell* me X thing would make you feel some kinda way”, he just doesn‘t do X thing because he understands it’s selfish/immature/whatever, and wants to be the opposite of that.
And I do want someone who has wisdom I can learn from. As in, we are different people with different lived experiences and I want someone who has reflected on their experiences so that I can learn from some of the wisdom they’ve picked up along the way that I haven’t (and vice versa).
* Understands that being 'sensitive' means being sensitive to other people's feelings as well as his own
* Isn't anti-therapy for himself
* Understands that his actions have repercussions on how I feel and doesn't say shit like 'your feelings are your responsibility'
* Can respond appropriately and maturely to his own and other people's negative emotions, including sadness, irritation and anger
* NEVER, under ANY circumstances tells me to 'Relax!', not even via text 😂
* Knows how and when to apologise
* Understands the importance of saying 'thank you'
One of my favorite traits of my boyfriend is that he is exceptionally attuned to my emotions and acts accordingly. He is able to intuit how every small action, comment, or decision from him will affect my mood and emotional state. And he acts accordingly to keep me as happy, calm, and satisfied as he can. So often, men either are not willing/able to understand a woman’s emotions, or they do understand and use that insight to manipulate her and drag her down.