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We've arrived at the end of this 6-part post series!
Again, I left out some of the basic FDS standards here. And no I won't be taking criticism:
He has proven himself worthy
I am not having sex to keep him interested, get attention, out of pity or guilt, or to be polite
He is capable of intimacy and makes my satisfaction a priority
He has given me a recent clean std test
He has age-appropriate attraction
Knowledgeable about and believes in the joint responsibility of contraception
Not every encounter is focused on PIV sex
Understands "witholding sex" isn't a thing because men aren't inherently entitled to sex from women and they have to earn each time's desire/consent
Well-endowed in color, straightness, size, etc. I find his junk to be attractive. Tidy downstairs.
I'm probably going to make my next post series on the categories of people I absolutely won't date, so stay tuned!
Previous posts in series:
Buckle up ladies because I have many opinions developed from personal experience on this topic, both positive and negative.
To start with, here's the distillation of my main themes: He is respectful, loving, patient, vanilla, loyal, generous, trustworthy, and can perform.
Here are the many specific points that I thought of:
- He is extremely patient and caring with foreplay, and loves making me feel relaxed and ready before we have PIV sex
- He initiates going down on me because he loves giving me pleasure, and gets aroused from it - he doesn't avoid it, and he doesn't make it a tit-for-tat situation where he acts like I owe him oral in return
- He is content with me never giving him a blowjob (but enjoys gentle kisses or touches when I feel like giving him them)
- His bedroom talk is about adoring me and connecting with me, rather than degrading or dominating me
- He gets aroused by me talking about loving topics such as my love for him, how good he makes me feel, and our future together (rather than explicit/pornographic dirty talk)
- He only initiates sex when I have expressed signals that I am in the mood
- At any point that I express wanting to stop having sex, he immediately stops and is still loving and attentive - no sulking about him not finishing, or worse, coercing me into continuing
- He listens to any and all requests or instructions that I share during sex
- He finds my natural expressions of pleasure extremely arousing - the way I move, my smile, sounds I make, how my body responds to him
- He is a creative and attentive lover who understands what I already like, yet also occasionally has new ideas for pleasuring me (such as giving special attention to different parts of my body, different pressure or patterns, positioning our bodies in different ways, using a different pace or depth - truly sensual and generous ideas, NOT anything kinky like wanting to try anal, bondage, watching porn together)
- He has a high libido but doesn't experience any sexual frustration or put expectations on me - for instance, he is happy having sex with me every day for a week, and then not at all the next week - whatever frequency that I happen to feel like
- He climaxes within a reasonable amount of time, and has enough control over his climax that he is able to come earlier or later depending on if I want him to finish or last longer
- He doesn't need anything weird or off-putting in order to finish
- He enjoys and is responsive to gentle touch and never expects me to use very hard pressure, squeezing, intense stimulation, etc (ie he is not pornsick or a masturbation addict)
- He does not harbor any shame around sex, and he feels comfortable with his body and his sexual identity
- It is natural to masturbate, but he does not use a death grip, ask me for nudes, or watch porn (of course)
- As far as I know, his fantasies are about pleasuring me, enjoying my body, and connecting with me, not about degrading me, or being with anyone else
- He loves vanilla sex and has no interest in anything kinky, deviant, gross, or painful
- He is monogamous and fully satisfied by me, with no interest in a threesome, open relationship, polyamory, or any sexual or romantic contact with anyone else
- He is heterosexual and shows no desire for men, but isn't homophobic, and is secure in his sexuality
- He is discreet about our sex life and does not share intimate details about us with anyone else
- He gets hard easily from kissing me or light teasing
- He has no trouble staying hard for multiple rounds and has excellent stamina if I desire to continue
- He compliments and is deeply attracted to my body, gives me affirmations and shows affection to each part of me
- He naturally expresses love for me in many ways during sex - he is motivated by his heart much more than his pp
- He prefers to face me during sex so that he can see my facial expressions and kiss me (however, when I feel like other positions, he also enjoys them)
I didn't even know that all of these things could be possible until I met my so-far HVM boyfriend. It's extremely rare, but men like this exist.
Ooooo sex is one of my biggest make-or-break factors. I'm easily turned off (as are plenty of other women) so he has to be very careful to get and keep me in the mood. Luckily my partner really delivers in that department.
- does not initiate sexual contact unless I send signals that I'm open to it
- no porn tropes whatsoever, no references to porn
- good at eating me out (absolute must, it's my main & fave thing), gets turned on by it himself (love it when my bf is so into it that he easily stays hard throughout it)
- actually attracted to real and normal women, aka not bothered by body hair, stretch marks etc.
- easily aroused but not focused on his boner -- I've never had my bf insinuate that I need to "do something" about it, and if I'm not in the mood / tired I can just let him be and he'll be fine. I'm utterly DONE with men who whine and sulk every time you miss an opportunity for sex.
- treats my whole body with adoration and gentleness, not just squeezing my boobs
- speaking of boobs -- knows how to touch a woman's sensitive zones in a way that's pleasurable for her
- lots of cuddling and kissing always -- before, during and after
- can hold loving eye contact (too many men have utterly dead eyes)
- compliments me, tells me how much he's enjoying it, appropriate level of moaning (not silent, but not performative)
- pretty dick that's not weirdly shaped / colored, strong erections
- can orgasm in a timely fashion (if he can't, pornsickness is to be expected)
- turned on by loving affection and not at random and inappropriate times (for example, my ex used to always rub up to me in the kitchen while I was busy, ugh)
- not into domination and control
- sees sex as a mutual expression of love but not the only / most important one
- has a similar libido to me (1-3 times a week), men who want sex every day are not for me
Reliable erections. Get hard and stay hard or I’m not interested.
My most recent ex had two instances where he’d had a bit too much to drink, apologised and went down on me. My ex-husband never failed.
It’s literally the bare minimum otherwise what’s the point of having sex with a man?
My most important- I don’t let my boyfriend inside me until he gets me off first
A personal addition to all the great comments so far I completely agree with:
- He is aware and accommodates that my libido changes a lot during my cycle and is pretty strong during the first half but nonexistent for the other half of it (between ovulation and my period and during my period). That means no sex in any form for roughly two weeks of every month, forever. I like other forms of intimacy during that time (cuddling, massages etc.) but nothing sexual and I have yet to meet a man who truly accepts that and doesn't see cuddling as an invitation for more, pouts or tries to convince me or get me in the mood. I want someone who is aware that the whole thing is completely off the table and doesn't bring it up again until after my period. I think a lot of the "a woman's arousal is reactive so you need to work to get her in the mood" talk is misunderstood by men as "if you try hard enough you can get a woman in the mood at any time even if she isn't interested at first". Nope. Not going to happen. You can't "woo" and charm me out of my hormones saying "nope".
PIV sex must be earned.
He has to prove that he's worthy of accessing my sacred portal and he does that by prioritizing my pleasure and by making me cum with his mouth and fingers first before a PIV.
I agre with most of what has already been said. A couple more of my personal needs:
Must be able to discuss sex with me in a mature, healthy way
Must NEVER do the boob grab/ass smack when the situation is 0% sexual (like, I'm just doing dishes or whatever)
Must be decently physically fit
Must be willing to be on top. I think it's so hot/masculine when the man is on top & it's such a turn off when he doesn't have enough stamina to stay on top.
Must have some admiration for my body. One of my ex's basically worshipped my body & a few years later, I dated a man who viewed women's bodies (and sex) as very utilitarian/mechanical which made ne feel so lonely and undesirable. Basically...there has to be some magic in it for both of us.
he needs to ask for my consent - pretty basic thing no one ever does. i've learned that the hard way.
about your standards, i think they are perfectly reasonable, but considering male behaviour, you're asking for the impossible. i think it's easier to get to the moon and back holding my breath than to find a man as decent as your list. and that's why i've completely given up on men.
-I need to be exclusively dating him long enough that I feel safe and comfortable. His place needs to be clean and romantic.
- it can't feel forced, rushed, or pressured.
- I dont like planning sex. I want to be ready and comfortable and if it happens, I want it to happen. Men that start asking/whining about if we are gonna do it are a no. Men that stop me as I'm in the middle of making out /going further are also a huge turnoff and kills the mood for me.
-we need to have condoms. Doesn't matter if he had a recent std test. I take the pill. It doesn't matter, he still needs to wrap it. None of that let me hit it raw just a little bs.
-forplay is a must. He needs to be attentive, if I have to teach him, explain, or beg then it's a turn off. If he's just ramming me with his fingers, it turns me off.
-the sex needs to not be boring. I don't always want just plain old PIV missionary position. Let me get on top, or let's do doggy or try other positions.
-no I don't want to sit on your face. It feels awkward and doesn't pleasure me at all.
-I like to dress up or wear lingerie.
-I like a man that has a good sized dick, he needs to be clean, and groomed/shaved down there. I prefer circumcised men. Sorry but seeing a head coveted or peeping from that foreskin doesn't attract me, plus it's more unsanitary.
-I'm not a fan of giving head, so foreplay needs to be not only that but other things.
-I hate men that rush to finish line or make it a game of how many rounds can they go. Shut up. Let's just enjoy it. It's not a video game or stats class.
-I hate men that make comments like "oh you're so warm / tight" because it's often msyogynisyic.
-comments about me being "wet" when I'm not even turned on yet: women's bodies are naturally warm and the vaginally area naturally has a moisture. It doesn't mean I'm turned on. Ignorance and lack of knowledge of female anatomy/pleasure is an immediate no.
-I don't always like getting completely naked. Let me sleep with you in my lingerie. Sometimes I like being felt up while I'm still in my underwear.
-also if hes undressing and he's wearing grandpa style underwear or anything is greasy/stained/worn out looking it's a turn off. Make the effort- I'm a visual creature!