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I came from an pickme abusive household, I don't know anything about how to secure a HVM or where to find them but I do know how to eliminate manipulators and narcs without over thinking things or wonder if it's a red flag or not.
You need to understand that there is one thing that is more important than being loved or being liked by another person. And that is respect.
As soon as disrespect is served do not ever give second chances, Do not forgive but stay angry instead, even if you are no longer furious pretend that you are because everything they said to you before the disrespect is a lie. The mask has slipped and don't give them the opportunity to glue it tighter to their face and just let them stand on the bridge they burned. When you tolerate disrespect once you are treating them like children, and when you treat a man like a child he's going to act like one, He will continue to disrespect with the secure feeling you aren't going anywhere.
Everyone has their version of love that serves them best but the true definition of love is absence of all negativity and control. If a person "loves" you then there is no negative side of the relationship with him, He's unable to hurt/disappoint you because Love eliminates all negativity. Love never existed in a relationship if there is a negative side.
If a man is still able to cheat on you, call you names when he's angry, deny you things because he knows what's good for you or his "love" is transactional then you are not loved, you are just being liked.
When a person likes you, he treats you how he wants to treat you, give what he thinks you should have, He will prioritize what he can take, He wants you to be his and only do what he approves of. He wants to have a form of ownership and control over you. Because being liked creates no obligation for the person to treat you with the upmost respect.
When a person loves you he'll set you free, he wants you to be free and be happy with or without him, and there is an obligation to treat you the way you want to be treated and always prioritize what he can do for you.
If you want to be married to him, or have your dream career he would not hesitate to pave a way for you. But if he likes you he'll find an excuse to get between that.
Being liked is a way to see If they can open a window of abuse and neglect and have you sucked in. The women who preach about struggle love or tainted love do you really think those women are loved? I'm 100% sure they are liked because a person who likes you doesn't mind being a burden, have you make sacrifices or mooch off you.
But a person who loves you would rather let you go than be a burden and a leech because they know you deserve the best version of a partner.
I've seen the difference myself with people when I'm being liked, When I'm being liked I'm getting taunted, and treated like a moron. Have my ability to make my own decisions undermined, overprotected like I can't spot danger.
But when I'm respected I feel like a capable human being, My wishes get respected, I don't get screwed over, and I feel like I'm thriving when my individual rights are honored.
I know my husband loves me because he prioritises what I want and my best interests even if they go against his.
You are right that respect is the true foundation of love. Anyone can claim to ‘love’ but love is useless without positive action to back it up.
I don’t agree that a real loving relationship is ever completely free of negativity. There are always minor annoyances but these disagreements tend to be resolved easily and our discussions never cross the line into disrespect or contempt.
In an ideal world every woman would know this kind of love. In its absence it is far better to go without than suffer a lifetime of misery.
Transactional thinking is a huge red flag. It speaks to the fact that SO many men are willing to keep a woman around because she's useful to them and it boosts their ego to have a partner, but they don't even like her. Yes, I think men don't even have to like you to be with you for the benefits. We can't fool ourselves into thinking that they have any genuine feelings of tenderness towards us, all they see is the utility. They confuse that with love/affection but it's nothing of the sort. And even if there are some feelings, like one might really like their favorite coffee mug, those feelings are meaningless because they don't carry over to consistently selfless behaviors. Men who are in love are ready to sacrifice and be of use to the woman, not the other way around. Their purpose becomes making her happy. Anything else is not love. He may desire you and what you provide, but that's not the same thing. Desire is wanting to possess, consume and use, love is wanting to help, cherish and share. Love is what you want to give, not what you want to receive.
I have faced narcissistic-level abuse from my mother. So I'm speaking from solid experience. Another way to detect narc tendencies is to carefully observe how they react to you talking about your day, your life, or your problems. Narcs have this unmissable urge to circle those conversations back to themselves and make it wholly about them. They can't tolerate not being the center of everything for more than a short period of time. If he behaves too much like he's the main character, it's his world and you are just living in it- you may have a man in your hands whose self-absorption potentially reaches dangerous levels. Drop him in a new york minute and never look back.
This is best entry! I hope I can read it again to refresh my mindset. I think it is very important to remind ourself that respect is important. Media brainwash is everywhere that focus on love.