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I was consuming content by Christian YouTube couples on why they decided to wait until marriage. I'm an Atheist, but I wanted to understand their perspective and the benefits they saw in the practice. I listed a few of their viewpoints below.
Your partner will be faithful in the marriage since they went years without getting sex.
In the case of pregnancy, long term illness, or travel, you can be confident that your relationship has substance even without sex.
You can be confident your man loves you if he's willing to wait for marriage.
You can focus on building a bond without centering the relationship around sex.
Sex can be something special to a marriage context. It makes the transition into marriage clear.
The first few years of marriage is often the most challenging, so a sexual honeymoon period can soothe difficulties.
The principles of self control, discipline, and sacrificing near-term rewards for long-term gain can be strong values to bring to the relationship in general
Considering these benefits, waiting seems like a great option. However I wouldn't wait until marriage for sex because I believe there are some major drawbacks. The biggest of which is sexual compatibility. This doesn't effect men as much as it effects women. Men will enjoy sex either way. However I don't want to marry a guy and turns out he has small peen bunny stroke energy in bed. Or he doesn't enjoy giving oral/erectile dysfunction/premature ejaculation. There are too many variables for me to leave this up to chance and 'faith' that it will all turn out okay. Sure sex gets better over time but a micropenis/pencil dick will not grow over time! 😂
So you meet a man, there are no red flags, you get into a committed relationship, 3 months pass and you start becoming sexually active.
Now what?
I believe the strategy I'm proposing can get you most of the benefits of waiting without the drawbacks.
The Strategy
After ~3 months of commitment, start becoming sexually active. Keep having sex with him until the sex reaches a point where it's good enough that you would be satisfied with it, even if it didn't improve further, for the rest of your life. If after 3 months it's not to that level, either break up or stay with him if you see consistent improvement and give it a little longer.
This would bring you to the ~6 month mark. Now, stop having sex with him for ~2 years until marriage. Easy!
Just kidding... but only a little. You should stop having sex with him for a minimum of 10 weeks (2.5 months). I got to this number considering that many women find sex uncomfortable during their 9th month of pregnancy and doctors say not to have sex at least 6 weeks after birth. Even if you're childfree, you can still get sick, have to travel somewhere for a few months, menopause, hormonal changes, etc.
Waiting 2.5 months minimum puts an artificial stressor on the relationship after sex has been established. Of course, if some kind of real stressor comes into the relationship that stops sex for a few months, that would be fill this requirement naturally. However, spending 2 years in a lustful, sex filled, blissful haze prior to engagement does not properly open your eyes to the quality of your relationship when there are major life changes and stressors down the line. You have 2-3 years to vet with an easy escape. Don't spend that time indulgently only to suffer down the line.
Seeing your man's reaction to this decision to withhold sex is paramount. Do not tell him the duration of the break. Just say that it's for a short time and give some of the reasons I explained above. At this point if he leaves you or cheats, GOOD RIDDANCE. It's better he does this now so you can leave him rather than experiencing a nasty divorce a few years down the line. An LVM will start negotiating, arguing, whining, etc. An HVM will understand your reasoning and work on deepening the bond in other ways.
Ideally you would stop having sex with him until marriage because at this point, sex has no use in the relationship beyond carnal pleasure. You being sexually available to your man without a ring and the lifetime commitment of marriage does not MAXIMIZE female benefit, even if the sex is good.
However I would personally not wait more than 6 months because I don't want to spend a significant portion of the time I'm young, fit, healthy, horny, and in a high quality relationship not having great sex. But that's just my calculus on this. I think waiting 2.5 months is the bare minimum and it's really a blink of an eye in the scheme of a 50 year commitment
Another way to approach this with an HVM is you two can negotiate a range of time to stop having sex with ultimately the duration of no sex in that range being up to a mutual friend/third party (and not communicated to either of you until a week before/day ). Ex: you both decide that you will stop having sex for 3 to 9 months. The exact amount of time is known only to a third party. This simulates the situation after say a traumatic birth experience with multiple tears where you don't want to or can't have sex for an unknown amount of time.
If after 3 months of sex you decide to wait until marriage, it might be worth it to have a discussion with your partner. This might make sense if you're in your thirties vs twenties.
Would love to hear thoughts!
I kind of see the reasoning. I had major surgery fairly early on and my boyfriend was absolutely fine with sex being off the cards and was loving and affectionate until I was ready then took things very slowly to make sure I was ok. It proved that he was in this for more than sex and dry periods wouldn’t break us. But. If you’re in love and the sex is good, I can’t imagine being able to do it through choice. Once I was off the drugs and physio was going well, seeing him cook my dog scrambled eggs for her meds (she got anxiety over my being ill) made me want to jump him!
the thing is men view sex differently than women. i get what you are saying but if someone is that sex-deprived, i would suggest for them to get used to using toys and turn to self-help instead of expecting a man to get it right for them. more than half the time they get it wrong on purpose if it doesn't suit their needs.
"So you meet a man, --->there are no red flags<---, you get into a committed relationship, 3 months pass and you start becoming sexually active."
well, that, my dear... is ~impossible.
the part about leaving a LVM before marriage and kids being better makes sense. but it's not realistic to expect a woman can easily walk away from a LT reltionship due to being cheated on or something, that wouldn't be easy to do. there is emotional commiment of our part too and it all sounds like too much work only to get hurt anyway because HVM are very rare.
that being said, if it sounds like a good strategy to you or any other woman, that's okay and i hope it works. hell, i might even try it if and only if i've gathered enough evidence that it actually works.
Doesn’t matter to me. Waiting doesn’t matter IME.
I’ve slept with men “right away” and landed real commitment from them.
I’ve waited many weeks/months with others… only to be “ghosted” after the 1st time.