Signs that you're confusing love with a trauma bond

This applies to all of us who've had people we trust repeatedly build us up and break us down over and over again. It's usually through a primary caregiver making us earn their love and putting us down because they "care". I've been there, and I've been attracted to trauma bond relationships because of it. Today, I finally have the language and observation skills to see when it's not love, even though it feels really damn powerful. Here are some signs for you to watch out for:

• You start to think that your relationship is more mature and valuable because you’re making it work against all odds.

• You make grand romantic gestures/speeches or rush intimacy after a fight because you want everything to be “okay” again, even if you’re not emotionally there yet.

• You desperately need them to validate you and prove their love verbally because you feel so unsure about where you stand.

• You push them away and threaten to break up (or actually do) even though you want to stay together, but you don’t see any other way to regain a hold on the situation — you want them to give you a “reason to stay”.

• You want them to give you space, but are also terrified of being abandoned by them — “go away, don’t leave me”.

• You fear that if you let go and stop trying so hard for even one second, the relationship will be over.

• Your partner is your biggest fan and harshest critic at the same time, they’re your tormentor but also the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you. You feel like you deserve the abuse and the love equally, or that you have to endure the first to deserve the latter.

• You feel like the fighting is a sign that “you care” and it’s making you feel a closeness you’ve never had before — this closeness is due to a lack of boundaries. It’s TOO close!

• You feel like you literally can’t live without them.

• You are proud of yourself for the work you put into the relationship but also wonder why it has to be so hard.

• You feel that if you communicated better, or could just learn to get along, there wouldn’t be a problem. You fail to realize that the “bad phase” is part of the whole dynamic and just as essential as the “good phase”. There isn’t one without the other.

• You’re being uncharacteristically anxious and overemotional. You think this is normal when you love somebody (but a truly good relationship wouldn’t push you to your limits like that!).

• You feel unrest that you confuse with excitement.

• You feel like they're way too good for you. It's a wonder they're even putting up with you. (Hint: a safe partner makes you like yourself more around them, and you won't feel inferior!)

• You can’t catch your breath because the next big fight is always right around the corner.

• There are lots of very intense negative emotions at play like extreme jealousy, resentfulness, disdain and even hatred. You don’t understand why they always seem to push your buttons or why you push theirs, it just happens.

We confuse all of these things with “love”. These feelings are so intense that we think they must be because we just love them so much. The truth is that we’re trying to fill a gap in ourselves, a gap that this relationship simultaneously creates and then fills. Over and over again. The hurt and comfort / push and pull cycle is a hallmark of toxic relationships.

Just realize that there would be nothing to obsess over and “love” if they didn’t create a deep and profound need to prove yourself to them. Not every person does this consciously, this is just part of their own trauma and that’s how they’ve learned to cope — creating hoops for others to jump through is how they ease their own abandonment fears, as in "if you really love me, you'll do this for me". Even if it makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes especially when it makes you uncomfortable, because it’s all about control. Healthy partners don't want to put you through misery so they can feel loved!

No matter the cause, you need to set yourself free from this prison. Some affirmations for you:

• When their hold on you weakens, you’ll feel so much lighter. You’ll finally be able to breathe again.

• Rest assured that it’s really, really, really not “true love” or “meant to be”. I promise. This is not your only chance. You are lovable.

• You’ve tried to make it work without success, you deserve to try something else now. You didn’t fail because you “gave up”. This is not a challenge for you to prove yourself. You won’t earn a badge of honor for sticking it out.

• You deserve someone who makes you feel loved in a way you don't have to earn and that won't be taken away from you in an instant if you "misbehave".

• It’s not shameful to have fallen for this. You didn’t know better. You reacted in the way you knew how. You were trying to protect yourself and feel okay in the only way you have learned. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. You can learn a new way.

• You’re smart and capable and you can choose your own sanity and safety.

• This is a chance to prove to yourself that you can survive being single. Wouldn’t you want to feel secure in yourself and comfortable in your own company again? It’s possible for you. Then you are free to approach your next relationship from a place of self-respect instead of the desperate need to have someone.

• Loneliness from being single is nothing compared to the gut-wrenching feeling of being in a relationship where you’re not heard or appreciated. It's fine and understandable that you chose the familiar pain over the unfamiliar. But the unfamiliar will not kill you.

• If you’ve come this far, it means your intuition has successfully alerted you to the wrongness of it all. Good job!

I hope someone needed to read this today. Best wishes to you all.