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Hi Queens, I’ve ask you all a couple of questions about this guy/relationship before. But now I’m having second thoughts about some things I perhaps would've paid more attention to if I had of vetted him more strictly.
We met online. He came up to my state to visit me a couple times on my terms. He treated me very well in the standard manner that a HVM or at least a medium value man would, lol who I want does (gets doors, takes you to very nice places, sends lot of thoughtful gifts and so on).
In our second or third conversation via video, before he came to visit, he told me he lived with a housemate for eight years. He also said the housemate was a woman. He said that they had never had any type of dating or sexual relationship. That they have been strictly friends the entire time.
I told him that I would have to think about it and get back to him. He said he totally understood, and for some women it had been a dealbreaker, but he hopes I "would be different". A couple of days later I decided that I was OK with it.
He asked if I wanted to talk to her on the phone. She and I talked for a few minutes. She seemed nice and said she was happy that he had found someone.
I hadn’t thought much about it since, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts and feel maybe I should have vetted him out of the picture.
Why does he even have a housemate at all at his age (I’m 54, he's 66). He says it’s because they both decided it would be cheaper to live together and save their money until they can each get a nice house of their own. Yes, but that takes eight years?
There was a study that came out a few years ago that asked men who were in a always platonic relationship with a woman, if she wanted it to turn romantic and/or sexual, would he be interested? A staggering amount of them said yes, they wanted to have sex with or be in a romantic relationship with their female friend. Something like 98% said this.
We send each other a lot of little funny videos. Recently he sent me a video of a man complaining about “Virgo women” He came across like a guy playfully complaining about his girlfriend or wife. My zodiac sign is not Virgo. Guess who is? His housemate. To me this is a red flag.
When I met him and her together at their house recently (but he got us a VRBO). I didn’t feel like he was into her--but I didn’t feel like he was not into her either. Also she is a PhD, she’s fit, very fit (former amateur competitive bodybuilder). She’s 62 but looks my age. She insisted, insisted on cooking dinner, and she’s a good cook, so what’s not for him to like or want? Maybe these are my own insecurities talking but, no woman wants to feel like her man’s platonic, female friend is only platonic because she does not want him or rejected him. Stilll, according to social science that’s sort of the case with *most men* in platonic friendships with women.
The questions:
He’s handsome, funny, and charismatic as far as you can tell on video chat, but when he first told you he had a housemate, and you know he's well and far over 30 years old. Would that have been a dealbreaker for you?
What about a platonic female housemate? Would that have made it worse or the same?
What are your thoughts on men and their "platonic" female friends? Is that OK with you,not OK with you? Is it better or worse if he has one female friend or six female friends? Since we know men want sex with *anything*, even human corpses, and barnyard animals is it even a matter to be concerned with, whether they want to sleep with women that they are friends with? Yet isn't it a matter if they may be in love with that woman?
Unfortunately, I was raised to be a pick me and found FDS only recently, still, I’m 54 not 24, so doesn’t that mean I should have more relaxed standards in men anyway, TBH?
The housemate would be a dealbreaker for me for multiple reasons. One is that a man at that age should be able to afford his own, decent place to live. If he wants or needs a housemate to share costs he is either extremely stingy or broke and looking for a mealticket. Another is that in my experience women living with men always do more than their share of domestic labor... her cooking dinner for his guest (and even being present while he is hosting you) is a glaring red flag. That applies to roommates as well as family members or partners. That guy is used to having a woman around to do chores for him and now he's looking for a replacement with the added benefit of regular sex: you. Prepare to be used for chores, money, sex and access to your living space. Prepare to be triangulated with his "perfect roommate who never complained about anything he did - unlike you - and always wanted the best for him".
The sexist video he sent you is just gravy. That man is not an adult. He's a 66 year old baby looking for a new woman to mother him because his roommate won't fuck him. You'll be his nurse, purse, housekeeper and free prostitute before long.
Yeah, it’s more the financial aspect of this that gets me. Having a roommate at that age is a red flag for significant financial troubles. Run, girl.
I’m pickier now I’m older. In my late twenties I had the biological clock ticking that made me blind to many of my ex-husbands faults then I tolerated too much because I wanted to keep my family together. When my ex-boyfriend started being a twat I was very quickly done. Men have to add enormous value to my life. Why would I settle now I’ve worked so hard on my education and career? The wall (for women) is a myth and I’m a catch.
You already lost me at long distance relationship before I got to the roomate part. The chances of a long distance guy being married, having secret kids, having multiple girlfriends, and being a lying hobosexual are very high. In this case he is 100% lying to you.
Yeah no you know this dude is shady. You've had multiple doubts about him already, and rightfully so.
If age is the reason you're considering relaxing your boundaries- then that just means you need to keep em sky high.
If you lower your boundaries for him from this mindset, it's the beginning of a pattern of self deprecating behavior to accommodate this man- don't bother, there'll be another (who's closer in age to you too, that's still a big age gap for that time of life, he's looking for a caregiver)
Besides all the other red flags everyone already mentioned, I just wanted to add that you’re 54 and he’s 66. You’re soon gonna have to start playing hospice if you continue with him
Dealbreaker for his age tbh. I'd get it if he was fresh out of uni/college and still finding himself, but it would raise a ton of flags to me. Especially since he's been sharing with her for 8 years. There is definitely something he isn't telling you. And yes, I would say to keep your standards the way they are because you are always worth the world, irrespective of your age <3
I remember your original post. All in all, agree with the advices given but wanna add one thing : you are a queen, once you are finally convinced of this internal truth you will move differently.
You will see that this guy does not deserve any more second of your attention, truthfully. Wake up that inner queen energy to live your best life, only HVM deserve to be in your life.
Seems like you think this is your only chance to find someone in life since you are bringing up your age again and again? When you use time on this lying scrote, you’ll not be ready for an actually HVM. He is blocking you. The perfect fit could be right in front of you, but you are going to miss it as long as this man is in your life. He takes up space.
There’s no reason age should mean lower standards. Lower standards would lead to a decrease in your quality of life in several ways. At any age it’s better to be alone than in mediocre relationships. About the roommate situation, I think your suspicions are likely correct.
The older you are, the pickier you have to be, because you don't have as much time to recover. If a man takes you for sex and money at 24, you have time to recover. At 54, you don't. This guy has money to take you out because he lives off another woman. She's also doing the housework, cooking, and paying at least half of the rent. What kind of deal is this for you? You get him to what? Move you into their place? He's moves out and lives off you? I think it's okay to date him, but I'd never take him seriously. Are you independently wealthy? If so, you'd better put your assets into a trust before ever considering marrying any man.
We already told you to run when you shared your other posts. I get you giving us an update, I just don't see the point of making another post asking about these pointers yet again.