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Question.
I am wondering whether it is just a run-of-the-mill LVM behaviour/characteristic, OR if it is something more sinister (eg covert/overt narc trait/similar). What I am referring to is when a man behaves poorly (lazy at best, abusive at worst), and then blames the person (woman) he is talking to/treating for his behaviour, and effectively places responsibility for his actions on to her.
Obviously this is insane.
I am just wondering if it is benign, or pathological.
General question.
Men are taught since childhood that they are entitled to anything and if they cannot have it is a woman's fault. They pick up and internalize how society blames women for everything and all the double standards (starting with blaming mothers for everything and letting horrible and absent father off the hooks), and this becomes the default for them and it shapes their idea of justice.
Case study: "I want to fuck 3 women at the same time"> women won't let me get away with it because they claim it hurt their feelings > women are restricting my freedom and abusing me> women bad.
They have no ingrained sense that their actions have consequences, and are used to people making excuses for them and letting them get away woth stuff, so when they are met with those consequences they take it out on who points out that their actions have consequences (mostly, women, because other men enable them).
Many men have monumental issues with taking personal responsibility for things. I don't think it's always malicious, I think they truly believe deep down they should be doing whatever they feel like and women having boundaries is an unfair obstacle to that.
A man's ability to take responsibility is possibly the most important character trait to vet. You do this by setting boundaries, observing and listening to his reasoning about what happens to him, and about his motives for doing things.
A VERY common mistake that women make when a man is very much into them, pursuing them, making them feel important (besides assuming he is a hvm just for that), is feeling flattered when the man explain his behavior like this: "YOU are the reason why I am so considerate". "YOU make me want to behave like this". "YOU make me want to take care of you", etc. This is not a compliment. It's an admission that the man has no sense of personal responsibility, and he perceives the woman as the motive of his behavior, whether that's good or bad. Such a man, when is disappointed in you, and mistreats you, will truly believe YOU made him do it, because you made him be good first in his mind.
Of course, many men, especially in these redpill era, will resort to this maliciously, using that kind of flattery as love bombing, understanding fully intermittent reinforcement, etc.
But in my opinion most men will do and say these things with no awareness, operating from an unconscious script that their actions do not have consequences and the "right" woman will make them behave good and the "wrong" woman will make them behave bad.
This is one of the reason why they cling so much to the narrative of "The One" (which we shouldn't get along with). Of course they believe they will be great partners with "The One". They are not responsabile for what they do, The One is. And also why you should never envy "The One" or believe that she really has a magic vagina who can turn someone who's always been a scrote into a high value man.
I was sitting in my parked car today, replying to some texts. A couple men sat on the front of my car, with me inside. I didn't say anything, I knocked on the glass to let them know I was there and they should GTFO. They apologized for 1 second, after which they proceeded to insult me because they were "doing nothing wrong" to deserve me knocking on the glass. In their warped male minds, I was the one taking away their right to sit on MY car. This is in a nutshell how most men think of women.
It is absolutely not benign and is a pathological response from the patriarchy. Any man who blames the woman he is with for his behavior (OF ANY SORT) is a man baby who can’t take a hard look at themselves and take accountability.
I’m not saying women can’t also be awful and act in ways that create a toxic dynamic. But then them stooping down to the same behavior they are complaining about is a weird response to me and I would be asking questions internally about why they think that would be ok vs getting help or leaving.
They all do this. This is both run of the mill and pathological. Sinister too.
Sometimes instead of tit for tat, they will add a third level of lies by 1-being shitty, 2-waiting for the woman to state that his behavior is shitty, and 3-then pouting and acting like the victim because she stated it is shitty. Tit-tat-tit. Classic DARVO manipulator move. They all do it in big and little ways.
I encourage reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?
Goes into detail about this very subject.
LVM men across the spectrum do it. My classic lazy LVM male family members always blamed their wives for their own actions. ALWAYS. It was never their fault. I never met a LVM with the capacity to self reflect or admit blame. When they did things that hurt their family emotionally or financially they brought up something insignificant that their wives had done in the past and used it to blame their wives for what they did.
Abusers ramp up the blame through projection and emotional terrorism. Here's one example from my own experience. I dated a narc who randomly out of the blue accused me of the most obscene & horrific things. It was truly completely random. We'd be hanging out watching a movie (no fights involved). I'd be happily eating snacks thinking everything was ok when suddenly he'd go on an unhinged rant that something about the movie made him realize that I am a pathetic liberal sympathizer, yada yada, then he would derail these insults and go deeper into an unhinged fit of rage shouting that I probably preferred rich white men with a full head of hair, six pack and good communication skills. I was confused because I had never ever in my life claimed, thought or said this. I don't even have a racial preference. I never ever stated personality or looks preferences to him ever because I just had personality preferences like wholesome, kind etc. As I got to know him I finally learned the meaning of projection. Turns out he was incredibly insecure of his own dark skin and had a fetish/preference for white women who looked like models despite being an ugly balding disgusting scrote. He admitted it later on in one of his fits of rage where he told me he preferred white girls to me (I'm half desi). He blamed me, projected his self hatred and racism onto me, and emotionally terrorized me for his own prejudices and insecurities. Him hitting me turned into "my fault." He was very skilled at blaming me and gaslighting me into feeling guilty for every horrific thing he did to me.
This definitely happens if they are broke Peter pans who are definitely covert narcissists stuck in teenagedom or younger. They're looking for their Wendy's
I knew a man like this. He did not change.
Actually I know a lot of men like this. There are the straight up ones that act bad thrn blame you, then there are others who do things for you, don't voice their opinions, then blame you for their resentment.
In the end, not many men take responsibility for their actions I've noticed.