Personal Red Flags?

Men who:

Don't see a problem with big age gaps in relationships

Never watch or read anything written by a woman

Romanticize their own mothers suffering (ex: "my mom never divorced my dad even when he used to beat her bc she didn't want my brother and I to live without a father. Such a great mother)

Are picky with food

Don't have any personal social media accounts

Love football or video games

As an older woman, if a man has kids. I’m type 2 diabetic and I take care of myself so if he doesn’t, then thank you next. Having a chronic condition doesn’t automatically disqualify someone since any man I date also would not be a spring chicken either. At 40+ I consider red flags to be renting and not owning a home, weirdness about money (stinginess or constantly being broke which means hidden addictions), and wanting a nurse and a purse.

That extension of love bombing that goes into defining who YOU are without really knowing you.

"You're like this (anything that might indicate he is projecting or wilfully misinterpreting your behavior so you feel compelled to define or defend yourself), aren't you?"

Those messages that attempt to take an aspect of your behavior and then surmise something from it that is out of left field are manipulative messages.

"OH, you're a sensitive princess, aren't you?"

"OH, you're tuning me up, aren't you?"

"OH, you're not one to give a guy a chance, are you?"

Any patter he makes that defines you in a box, whether it seems "off" or not. (In the beginning, it seems flattering...that changes over time as he starts to use this patter to put you on the defensive.)

Let people define themselves. Those who seek to get your agreement on their definition of you are up to no good.

- “kid at heart” while in his 40s - only finds 20 something year olds attractive - stares when he sees you and his eyes follow as you pass by - doesn’t text you a hi before starting the conversation. Just “wyd” or say a statement/question without a hi first. - says he wants kids, nothing about marriage - messy car - mention things about himself that he told you already. Feels like a script he has put into practice many times. - ask him what’s considered old to him as a women. If he says 30 then run. - share stories of his past ex’s during the getting to know stage - plays video games, watches anime - refers to women as “pussy”

Smoking cigarettes Dating sugar babies Guages Too many tattoos Below 6' Volunteer firefighter Uses Instagram like MySpace Bdsm

Emotional "memey" softboi type. He was someone who'd "diplomatically" ask you to send nudes while trying to seem cute about it. When confronted about his mistakes, his typical excuses are; Childhood Trauma, Being Bullied in Middle School, Prev Exes. He'll keep talking about his feelings, as if to justify his destructive lash outs so he can keep using you as his emotional punching bag/free therapist. He becomes nice when you're about to leave and love bombs you to keep you in.

-Any hint of stinginess or tightness with money (he will also be stingy with his affection and time; count on it)

-Any indication that he is still somehow enmeshed with an ex, especially if they have children together and he doesn't have healthy boundaries with her

-Any hint that he watches pornography or even thinks it's normal and okay to do so

-Renting rather than owning

-Any slobbish habits at all

-Poor maintenance of his belongings, i.e. not taking perfect care of his car and/or home

-Dressing poorly or with little care for his appearance or the occasion

-Unkempt hair, especially facial hair

-Doesn't believe in private gun ownership or loudly proclaims people shouldn't be allowed to own guns (What kind of man doesn't want women to be on equal footing with a would-be rapist? A rapist, that's what kind of man).

-Doesn't dote on his children appropriately, or overly dotes on his children or spoils them, especially his daughter(s)

-Picky eater, or dislikes changes in his routine, or doesn't easily adapt when things don't go according to plan (being with this kind of man will suck the life out of you)

-Would rather text than talk on the phone

-Would rather talk on the phone than plan actual dates

-No chivalry (doesn't hold doors, take your coat, pull out your chair, etc.)

-Secretive, doesn't introduce you to his friends/family after the appropriate time period, seems to keep you at arm's length (you're the side chick, sis).

-Doesn't pay for everything without question or hesitation; ever so much as glances at you expectantly when the check arrives, hints that you should pick up half the tab or actually pay to give him the pleasure of your companionship on a vacation, etc.

-Most importantly, your gut feelings about him. If he ever makes you feel confused, uncertain about your relationship status, or uncomfortable with his behavior: drop him.

Men who:

- don't go to the doctor when they're sick or to get a routine checkup. Same for dentists too (I live in a country with universal healthcare)

- smoke

- are into extreme sports

- and that leads me to this point: men who admire very "masculine" hobbies or reckless behaviors, using terms such as "this dude has massive balls of steel" (the kind of comments you read under extreme sports videos makes you wonder why they wouldn't go and f*ck a guy, since they like talking about their balls so much)

- are photographers, even talented ones, and I'm obviously not talking about landscape photography

- are expats in Asia or planning to live there: I lived in two different asian countries for a couple of years and 90% of them are POS with yellow fever and a superiority complex

- are workaholics (because I used to think it was a good thing being absorbed in a job...)

- eat too much meat or cannot imagine eating one meal without any meat. Or romanticize the meat industry in general

- not an immediate red flag, but men who grew up with brothers only. Did they get along or was there a weird competition between them?

- are a little bit too "open-minded": they don't see any problem with dating a friend's ex or an ex's friend (but maybe I'm stating the obvious here)

- very specific, due to my experience: men who choose the banquette seat at the restaurant and leave you the chair (or choose the better seat in general). I've never paid attention to that until I met my NVX who would fight with me to have the banquette seat, and it was simply ridiculous 💀

To be edited, because this is a non-exhaustive list.

Too much time spent on social media/ multiple accounts.

He had a low tolerance for discomfort and he would distract himself from this internal emotions by leaning into his work, video games, and self isolating.

He also thought therapy was only for people with severe childhood trauma 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Video games or anime, dnd, magic the gathering, or self-identifies as a “nerd”

drives a car in a way that makes me uncomfortable

if he lives in a different city, tries to make a date or plans with the assumption that I will be coming to his town

says things like “I’m not easily offended” "I can be opinionated" "I'm the life of the party"

was in debate club at school. Means he will be so good at arguing that it won’t matter if you are right in any argument. He will be better at arguing than you and will win because that’s what is important to him, not actually resolving anything

has strong ideas about how anyone should eat and manage their weight. Talks about how bad carbs are or how good fasting is for you. Keto diet. Man splains about diets or how to manage your health. Doesn’t put dressing on salads. Has any kind of really rigid eating patterns like must fast for 16 hours a day and judges people for not doing the same. Basically any restrictive eating disordered behavior. or Is obsessed with one type of cuisine like Asian food for example. or in general judges people by their bodies and health habits

In a relationship, things always go bad just before your birthday but not his. You’ll realize over time that he never gave you a gift but things always happened to be going well around his birthday so he always got a nice gift.

takes more than 10 minutes in bathroom to poop or takes more than 20 to shower.

talks to any ex still, provided they don’t have kids or something where they actually need to.

has dogs with an ex or any other uncomfortable ties such as them being their weed hookup or still in their friends group or a family friend or something, even if i only see it happening online

has more than a couple hundred followers/people they follow on social media. also If the list of who they follow is hidden from me

too obsessed with stoner culture to where they make smoking lots of weed their personality or is obsessed with either the number 420 or the number 69

mamas boy or still lives with mom

bad grammar

or talks in only big words

Men that are always in women's business.

Ease dropping. Adding in their two cents. Trying to find out the latest gossip.

I hate them the most.

I just shared one in another post: - Does an excellent Sméagol impression but doesn’t call you his precious - Believes there activities you do with your woman and activities you do with the guys. That means he’d watch a certain movie with his friends but not you because “he doesn’t want a girlfriend/wife for those sorts of activities”, or that he’d golf with his friends but not you. A guy like that will make you felt left out and pigeonholed into a “woman” role. He’ll also probably do things with the guys that he’d be too ashamed to tell you about because they’d be depraved and he may also be the sort to say strip clubs are okay because it’s a male bonding thing. - He only cleans horizontal surfaces when he cleans. He doesn’t do walls, or baseboards, the legs of tables and chairs, the front of the kitchen and bathroom cabinets. This is a bare minimum sort of guy who will shriek about your high standards of cleanliness, never take initiative to clean leaving you with all the intellectual/emotional labour, and who will use Windex to clean everything—most likely dollar store brand. He’ll have one sponge that he uses for every room. - He cares which way the toilet roll is hung. That’s an anal POS right there who is being nitpicky to control you. - Has a fictional manic pixie dream girl as his “ideal.” Men who like that ideal tend to gravitate to me because I like being silly and they think they’re in for a bit of no frills fun. Then they are shocked when they come to see my serious, responsible side and learn that I only have the time and room to be silly because I have my other crap taken care of. - He won’t walk with you to the bathroom in the middle of the night at a dark campsite. - He talks about your problems a lot so as to try to remind you you’re deficient. If you’re depressed, he’ll bring that up. If you have endometriosis he’ll find a way to work it into the conversation and make it a negative about you. If your dad cheated on your mom he’ll bring it up whenever the opportunity presents itself. Any bad experience you have or are having he will constantly mention. - He won’t go with you to the ER or an important doctor’s appointment. He doesn’t ask follow-up about your health problems or care about the treatment you’re receiving for it. - He’s constantly asking for validation. “How’s my hair?” “How’s my outfit?” And I don’t mean he asks once or twice, I mean he’s asking you over and over and over. “Are you sure my hair is okay?” to the point where you are exhausted. - He pretends to fuck your dog or cat from behind. - He criticizes how you behave as a hostess. For example, on one occasion my ex had a friend over, someone he’d known for years, who was going through a mental health crisis but didn’t impose himself on people. I made us a nice dinner, prepared our plates, served them, made conversation, etc. After he left my ex berated me for preparing the plates and told me you’re supposed to let people serve themselves buffet style and that I embarrassed him by serving him portions that were too large that he couldn’t finish. This was after I bought food, cooked it, and hosted his depressed friend at MY house. - He acts like you crying or being upset is the end of the world because he doesn’t like how it negatively affects him. - He ALWAYS picks the movie - He goes through your stuff - He doesn’t ask you questions about your hobbies, your career, your education or your friends - He interrupts you, talks over you - He asks you to change your appearance - He doesn’t want to attend your family events - He has no imagination. - He sidesteps questions

- guys who make excuses for misogynistic men who are famous and genuinely talented. Sure the movie this guy made is great but he also has multiple SA accusation....the latter beats the former and if you dont see it that way, goodbye <3

- guys who are mean to kids

- when they are really into sports, being athletic and just liking the community around sports and stuff is totally fine but there is this territory that is extremely questionable and without fail ALWAYS is a sign that the guy is horrible (aka thinking women cant do sports, sports = the most masculine thing in the world, saying women with muscles arent women lmao, basically liking sport for all the wrong reasons)

- when they think humanitarian studies are a waste of time and have no value. The amount of guys like this is shocking and it almost always means "I have no empathy and no desire to be a well educated person, all I care about is STEM", next.

- guys who would never listen to female artists, watch movies with female protagonists, make fun of chick flicks, read books written by women, etc.

"open to children/not sure about kids/might want kids" "figuring out dating goals/short-term dating"

my dude, you're past 30 and you're STILL figuring out these things? you obviously have zero desire to parent or put in effort into an actual relationship.

"simple" "easygoing"

aka no backbone to make decisions.

"travel"

yes everyone likes to travel, you're not special.

"i like to party hard and i've blacked out from drinking too much and not remembering anything."

again, you're past 30. where is your sense of self-responsibility?

Someone who hates pizza. Honest to god. How do you hate something so fxcking delicious??

A massive red flag for me I've just learned realized is when they butt into my conversation with another person to derail it.

Based on observations:

-History of leaving wife and kids

-Multiple divorces

-No relationship with his relatives

-Interest in political content from misogynists (politicians, influencers, “intellectuals”, podcast, manosphere, etc)

There will be sad stories, excuses, reasons, and rationale for why these things are okay in his special situation. Believe these stories at your own peril.

• I knew stuff like his favourite colour, favourite animal, what city he was born in, etc. and he never asked me that stuff.

• He would vent to me about his childhood trauma but never listen when I talked about mine even tho I listened to him and never invalidated him.

• Just overall would talk way too much about himself and never ask me anything about myself

His father had full child custody.

Plucked eyebrows

Jewelry

Pasty or picked at skin

Droopy undereye folds, sort of like multiple bags

Unibrow

Argues about established societal rules, like holidays or taxes

These are not red flags though, just