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I recently started seeing somebody after not dating at all for almost a year. He has a lot of great qualities however there are a couple of things that got me thinking and since I'm pretty rusty when it comes to dating, I wonder what you ladies think about it. For some context, I'm 24 and from a pretty conservative eastern european country. He is 33, from western europe but recently moved here. The orange? flags I'm slightly concerned about: Age gap. In general I don't really mind but when we briefly talked about it, I found out that his ex is around my age as well. According to him, it was his first age gap relationship and it made him more open to the general idea of age gaps but I don't think he has been in many relationships in the last decade anyway. He did mention going on a date with a woman in her 40s before we matched, but I have no idea if that's true.
No social media. I actually would prefer a man who isn't on social media in a lot of ways but I just find it pretty unusual, especially for somebody who has travelled a lot. I think the fact that I can't really do a 'background check' is giving me some anxiety, there's basically zero info about him online. He didn't give me a fake name for what it's worth
Digital nomad lifestyle. I do love travelling myself but he's spent like 10 years moving from place to place, which is a bit extreme in my book. He said that he wants to slow down now and have a permanent residence again but technically he could leave the country at any given moment and get back on the road. He's also been to a lot of 'passport bro' destinations, but maybe that's not fair since he also lived all over europe and visited more than 40 countries.
He's very into combat sports. I find that sports like boxing and MMA tend to attract a lot of misogynists and generally LVM. He's training at a combat gym and watches fights somewhat religously it seems. This doesn't really align with his (portrayed) personality at all, so it's a bit of a headscratcher for me. Also slightly concerned about him socializing with that type of crowd even if he doesn't fit the stereotype himself.
What do you ladies think about this? Do you have any specific vetting tips besides what's in the handbook? I want to add that there are a lot of things I really like about him, otherwise I wouldn't bother. He's generous, well-spoken, smart and educated, communicative, funny, attractive, plans great dates, interested in my work and hobbies, complimenting things about my personality rather than just my looks, not pushing for sex at all etc. and it's extremely hard to find that here in my experience. Spending time together and talking to him feels so different to what I'm used to from local men. He also deleted his dating profile after our first date which I found really cute, especially since I'm not into dating multiple people myself.
Sorry, but alarm bells are ringing. Why is he even dating if he doesn’t have permanent residency? It seems like he’s not thinking long term, about anything.
I guess you could keep it light for now, if you’re enjoying his company and he’s not pressuring you for sex. But I’d caution against taking this seriously until he’s shown commitment to living permanently in your country.
Also, the age gap. You mention his ex was your age too. Why is he pursuing women ten years younger than him? This isn’t an orange flag; it’s a red flag. There are many single women in their early and mid 30s looking for boyfriends - women in their early twenties shouldn’t even be on his radar.
I see red flags and not orange flags. This is a huge age gap and your gut is telling you something so listen to it. I wouldn’t proceed. He sounds like he doesn’t have a stable life and he is hiding something.
The age gap is certainly a huge red flag, especially since his ex was your age. These type of guys has fixation toward young women under 25 because they are easier to groom, manipulate and not to mention these guys are usually losers too. You need to stop dating older guys and start looking for men around your own age. A lot of the BS that you are dealing with will go way once you stop dating creeps.
My thoughts:
-Don't let them deleting their profile give you a false sense of intimacy. If he did that to me I would see it as needy and/or manipulative. He can remake a profile in minutes and could have other profiles out there. He could have also put it on hold or unmatched which is even less effort.
-If things go against his personality, you must work those possibilities into the real him. Guys who like violence are guys who like violence, period. Don't gaslight yourself.
-Repeating age gap relations, like your age is a flavor of ice cream he found out he likes. Weird.
-You might overlook your next partner for someone that's here for a good time, not a long time.
-It's a bright red flag that he moves around. Think hoes in different area codes and maximum impact ghosting.
Why bother with digital nomads
He's a hobo with violent impulses who seems to be on the run, is what it certainy looks like.
Are you sure he deleted the app instead of just potential unmatch? Make sure he actually doesn't have social media some people might conceal it because they're emotionally unavailable or sus on it. Check to see if he's emotionally unavailable it'll explain the constant moving around and reliance on apps
Fellow Eastern European here. I really want to like these Western dudes that come here, but I can’t 😄 Sooner or later their sense of superiority and colonizer mentality start shining though, and it really annoys me. Just my two cents. Keep us posted, I’m interested in how this unfolds.
Orange flags don't exist. Trust your gut.
Also, "digital nomad for 10 years" means he's homeless and proud about it. This isn't a man who's looking to put down roots. Why would you waste your time?
You're young. Date for money and stability only. What kind of stability does thisguy have? He sounds like a knock off version of Roosh V. In fact, Roosh V has a story on his website where he tried to settle with a much younger, Eastern European girl, and he screwed her over, too. Men who are digital nomads are simply manwhores. And you can bet he has social media, or had social media, and doesn't want any new girls to see what he was up to or how he's treated other women across the world.
There's no such things as orange flags. It's either green or red flags.
You writing a post about him is more than enough to show you he's not the one. Just because he deleted his dating profile after your first date, does not mean anything. He could easily have made another one and tell you otherwise. You also mention he's generous, well-spoken, smart, etc...but you don't truly know this man.
There is something very off about him and it's best that you end things ASAP. But this is your decision to make.
Thanks for all the answers, I really appreciate it. To clarify some things: According to him he is planning on staying here permanently, he is learning the language atm and has had enough of the permanent travelling. It should be easy for him to get a residency permit as a fellow EU citizen if that's indeed his plan. Whether or not that's true is obviously impossible to tell at this moment, so yeah. I'm pretty confident he gave me his real name because of google searches, it's just that there is almost no information on him online, only something linked to his work. No hits on reverse image searches either. I don't think he travelled around to fuck around though, he's done a lot of interesting stuff all over the world and showed me lots of pictures since i was curious about it (including volunteer work that is similar to what I'm involved in myself).
The age gap is a bit concerning but I don't think that I'm easily manipulated/molded or give of that vibe. He's also the only guy I've dated who didn't try to push my boundaries or diminish me or my accomplishments in any way, no negging or sexual jokes/comments etc. I hear you ladies on this one but to be honest, dating local men my age is a nightmare at best. I'm from a pretty conservative country with traditional/christian values being extremely common and it's full of scrotes and pickmes. There's a reason I haven't dated in almost a year, because it's simply been a waste of time. This is not a pattern for me btw.
I'm planning to keep seeing him for now and am mostly looking for good ways to vet given the specific situation. Like what kind of questions to ask, what to watch out for and so on. Stuff that specifically relates to his lifestyle, combat sports and age gaps. I will of course proceed with caution and not rush into anything, but breaking it off at this point is not something I want to do to be honest. Normally I'm done with guys after less than 3-4 dates, I'm not really the type to be hopeful about potential relationships and excuse red flags etc.
I'd say you're right to call them orange flags, because they're not obviously bad, but also not obviously good. You probably should proceed with caution.
The age gap is not extreme, but still cause for concern. My guess is that most women his age want to settle down and his lifestyle isn't conducive to that, so he's looking for younger aka more adventurous women. This might be fine for you now, but think about what you'll likely want when you're going on 30 yourself.
The digital nomad thing could mean he's hiding something or running away from problems / a shady past back home. It could also mean he will forever prioritize his "freedom" over your relationship, and he'd maybe make you move to another country with him or just get up and leave out of the blue.
No social media at all again makes it look like he has something to hide, and it's doubly weird given he travels so much.
Combat sports could be cool or could be toxic. It's really a hit or miss. My boyfriend's brother is very into MMA and is also a coach, and while he is a little bro-y around it, he is a kind person who has found a good physical outlet and likes the idea of being able to protect himself and others. On the other hand, some athletic men are just too aggressive and way too obsessed with body image.
I think you'll have to decide whether you think it's worth it to wait around for the flags to show their actual colors. You might be disappointed. Only proceed if you're prepared for that.
He sounds like Andrew Tate 🤯😂
Proceed with the normal level of caution but online stalk the living shit out of him. Do a Google image search. Find his LinkedIn and then Google his name + those employers. Are there interpol criminal records you could check? Search local online news outlets in the places he's previously lived for his name. Do all of this with spelling variations of his name, or his name in additional languages.
My opinion is that that's not much of an age gap. It's not something I would be worried about. Young enough to not be creepy at all but old enough to be more established in his career.
No social media/real name: Orange flag for me. Girl, stalk. Are you 100% sure you know his real name? What about multiple spellings of it in different languages? Get ID and verify the ID. I also dislike social media but it's highly unusual for someone to just not have it. He might have it under an alias. It just feels like a lie.
Digital nomad: Yeah, light orange flag. My concern would be whether he has a visa or permission to actually stay in your location and date you long term, or whether he will have to leave due to visa requirements. Has he been specific and transparent with telling you this information? Otherwise I think that lifestyle is mostly ok. But again, stalk! Does he have a criminal record in other countries? Can you find that out?
I am neutral on the combat sports but leaning towards thinking it's cool.
Overall, normal caution/yellow flags/perhaps one or two light orange flags. Proceed with normal vetting.
Though your post offers only a snapshot of real life, and I hate the way that all discourse in 2023 is now reduced to ONE SNAPSHOT AND BRIEF SOUNDBITE OF REALITY, it sounds to me like you have a healthy and measured sense of caution, self-protection, and gut-trusting.