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Repost from the subreddit by u/masterofthebarkats originally titled as
Objective vs Subjective: Make sure he meets your needs, not just your standards.
*****Hello all, so good to have the subreddit back!
In the spirit of a re-focusing of the sub, I wanted to share this post that has been percolating in my brain for a while now.
Many of us frame some or all of our standards as objective points: a man over a certain height, earning more than X$, with a certain level of educational attainment, etc. There is nothing wrong with any of this, but you may still find yourself repeatedly encountering men who match these standards but who still make you miserable. If that's the case, it's important to interrogate what those objective standards represent, and why the men who meet them are nonetheless not meeting your needs.
Obviously, purely subjective standards are if anything more important: a person who is kind, thoughtful, funny, and emotionally mature will ultimately be the best partner. However, those traits often take a long time to vet for, and given that there are so many men out there, it is often easier to pre-screen potential partners using objective criteria.
To be clear: I am NOT, at ANY POINT IN THIS POST, suggesting that you lower your standards. The following is intended to help you think about your objective standards and your subjective needs, to make sure that your standards are serving you and to avoid seemingly HVM who are really LVM in disguise. This post is about learning your own needs fully so that you can vet confidently.
Objective Standard: Over 6 foot/Built/Good Hair
Maybe you are looking for a man over six feet, or a brunette, or someone with or without a beard, or someone who dresses a certain way.
Any standard relating to how a man looks, whether it is his height, build, hair or style, ultimately represents the need all sexual people have to be sexually attracted to our partners. This need is important - do not date a man you aren't attracted to. However, be aware that 'attractive' is a relatively low-hanging fruit, and that a man meeting your attractiveness standards has proven nothing else about himself. While I'm certainly not someone who thinks "all hot guys are jerks", it's important to remember that even the wisest of us can be blindsided by a pretty face or a guy who is very specifically "our type", especially if we haven't encountered a guy we're really into in a while, perhaps letting bad behaviour slide because we’re focused on how attracted we are to this man.
Beware the hot man who has nothing else to offer.
Ultimately, being attracted to your partner is like having wheels on your car. Sure, you can’t drive a car without wheels anymore than you can be in a sexual romantic relationship with someone you aren’t into. However, that doesn’t mean you should hop into the first car that drives by that happens to have four wheels – it takes a lot more than that to keep a car on the road, and a lot more than sex to make a relationship successful.
Objective Standard: Education Level
Perhaps you’re looking for someone with a bachelors, Masters, or other advanced degree (JD, MD, etc).
Subjective Need: Intelligence (and/or: Class)
Many of us use educational attainment as a shorthand either for intelligence or social class. The average cost of higher education in the US has increased 3000% (that’s not a typo – three thousand percent) since 1969, which means that higher education has become both a shorthand for class (it’s very hard to afford without at least an upper-middle-class lifestyle) and intelligence. It’s also no secret that women are attending college/university at record-high rates, and that they outnumber men by as much as two to one in public institutions. It’s also evident that most women prefer to date/marry men who are at least as educated as they are.
To keep this post brief (haha), let’s focus on intelligence. Intelligence in a partner is incredibly important, and many women who care about education want the same attitude from their partner. Academic success represents a number of things besides simply 'being smart’: hard work, focus, dedication, and a general knack for critical thinking or analysis. All of these are important qualities in a partner.
Beware the stupid, educated man.
You can read the horror stories here or anywhere: men with degrees, even professional degrees, who are brutish, ignorant, intellectually lazy, or simply incurious about the world and themselves. Education is important, but don’t presume that an educated man will be mentally stimulating, creative, or even all that intelligent. Identify what you really need – someone who will discuss current events? Someone who loves to read and discover new ideas? Someone who will debate you intelligently and respectfully? – and make sure your potential partner actually meets those needs.
Objective Standard: Earnings (or Career)
Many of us are looking for a man earning over a certain amount or who is in a profession/career.
Subjective Need: Financial Stability
Money is a shorthand for all kinds of needs, but the most important is security. A partner who earns a certain amount allows for a level of financial security that is not otherwise possible. It also implies an ability to plan, focus on your goals and work hard, since few people are financially successful without at least some hard work and dedication.
Beware the broke rich man.
Money is meaningless if you can’t control it. A man might earn great money but spend every dollar he makes (and more), leaving him with nothing at the end of the month and one financial emergency away from disaster. Watch how a man behaves with his money, and have plenty of conversations about his (and your) attitude towards it. Does he often try to borrow money from you, despite having a well-paying job? Does he put off necessary things (dental work, house repairs) to spend money frivolously (shoes, toys)? Does he know what a 401k is? Has he ever invested in anything besides lottery tickets?
Conclusion: Know what you need
Most of our objective standards will reflect a subjective need, which may be conscious or unconscious. The better we understand those needs, the better we can vet the men who meet the standards. Without this self-reflection, we may find ourselves confused by men who meet our standards – tall, rich, educated – but leave us unhappy and insecure in the partnership.*****