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Hello ladies, I can proudly say that after a few years of FDS and one helpful podcast, I’m finally out of my pick-me mode for good. I have been in a good relationship for almost a year now after taking a several year break from dating, and, very atypically for me, I was first attracted to my HVM because I noticed kindness in his face as soon as he walked into the room. Not swagger, not cOoLnEsS, defiance or some other shit, but this true quality of inspiration. There are many other wonderful things about him as a partner and as a human being that I won’t go into in this post, but he ticks every single HVM box. In the past I would have found this type of man not exciting enough (i.e., not inducing enough anxiety in me), so I was very happy to discover that I finally managed to train myself to truly be attracted to what’s good for me and what inspires me to be a better person myself.
We all know the FDS handbook, so I wanted to share a podcast (Deeper Dating by Ken Page) that has also helped me immensely on my journey. It is run by a lovely older gay man. He is so gentle and wise, you want him to be your dad. I’d generally recommend to listen to the podcast from the beginning for it to make sense, but a recent episode ( Why Do We Fall For People Who Are Bad For Us? [EP149]) could equally be used as an intro with some useful concepts.
The idea of that episode was to do an exercise, where you write down all the traits/behaviours of your exes that you disliked, that frustrated you and that were generally distressing for you.
Then you write a bit of a forensic profile for the type of man you are (in my case - were) attracted to.
Then you write another list of your qualities and traits that these partners trampled over with their shitty behaviours. These are your core gifts that you were casting to swine. Do not dim your light and do not tone these qualities down. These make you the wonderful person that you are. Learn to build better boundaries around them and vet better so that when you meet someone, you’ll know they’re genuinely attracted to your gifts and they have their own to offer in exchange.
The next step is to write a pledge that from this point onwards you’ll honour your core gifts by never throwing them to trash that doesn’t deserve them.
The link to the episode here:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4MldMavNenwnsVHSipDwV2?si=JqG3UnD1Rl-q-V7XGLsbMA
My list of awful traits of my exes:
False superiority
Sneering
Wordiness
Nonconformist
Anti mainstream
Stupid attention seeking dress style
Refusal of basic adult responsibilities
Entitlement
Disdain for women
Poorly educated
Underachieving
Weirdo friends/ inability to fit in
Emotionally withholding
Bitter
Stunted
Financially irresponsible
Angry
Substance issues
Cheating
Resentful
Aloof
Forensic profile:
I used to like men who had the superiority and the mocking smile of my mother on a good day, her resentfulness on an off day and sheer hatred and anger of my father on a bad day. I chased those that showed aloofness mixed with some intermittent attention mixed with fake vulnerability. I liked those that appeared like they needed my nurturing just so they can hate me for that and take me to the cleaners while at it. I loved those that made me feel unworthy of the money I earned with my hard effort, and that I should hand it over to them in one shape or another. I loved those that made me continuously question my worth and ultimately despise myself.
My core gifts they trampled all over:
Generosity (emotional and tangible), unconditional love, trust, empathy, forgiveness, ability to take on others’ perspectives, seeking to better myself, seeking to understand/see and to better others.
My pledge:
From this point onwards I pledge to only offer my core gifts to those that have proven themselves over time with their consistent behaviours and treatment of me and others that they deserve those gifts. I will keep vetting even in a long term relationship and won’t allow myself to slip back into my old patterns where I allow myself to be mistreated, taken for granted or abused in any way.
Oh yeah, it's so important to find someone who amplifies your light instead of dulling it, and who won't use your strengths against you or take advantage of them. I can say I did find someone who appreciates and cherishes my gifts and feels lucky to witness them, and it's such a stark contrast to the constant feeling of inadequacy I've had in previous relationships. It's crazy how we have so many things to bring to the table but the wrong person will make us doubt them and not feel lovable at all. The moment I realized I am proud to be who I am and chose to focus on my strengths over my weaknesses was also when I was finally able to cut of my LV ex. Haters say we're entitled, no, were finally discovering ourselves and what we have to offer and start to build up true self-esteem.
This is excellent! I already have a list of the desirable traits I want in a HVM, but I never thought of comparing them with my own gifts. I'll try it out.
I checked out your podcast and it's fantastic! I also love how it basically articulates why you shouldn't try to be a "chill" girl (and can rest easy in the knowledge that men who make you feel like you should will statistically be unlikely to have successful relationships themselves).
This whole post is just poetry. Art. They way you love yourself is just beaming through you, like sunshine pouring through a crack in the window. I'll be saving this post for later. I haven't dated anyone, but I got a feeling this exercise works on other interpersonal relationships too.
I love this post!
Can you please share the name of the podcast? The link isn't working and I am keen to hear it. We need to remember the truly good things about us and not stay down because someone abused us. Thanks for sharing about this.
this is beautiful.