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Repost from the subreddit by user u/asoww
******Ladies, I have a few thoughts to share on how to use crushes to our Maximum Female Benefit.
Contrary to what some say here, I do not think crushes are useless, they happen for a reason and I believe that by discovering said reasons, not only can you overcome them, but you will gain several things :
More knowledge about yourself and what you still need to work on no matter where you are at on your level up journey.
A healthy amount of self control because you will learn not to act based on fantasy and attraction as well as calmly acknowledge what's happening inside of you without it ruling your emotions.
You can use crushes to help you heal your self-esteem without bruising your ego.
How are crushes formed ? From what I understood :
- They are formed from your projections. No matter what and who, the things you project onto another person are a part of you therefore, it will teach you things about yourself.
- A certain amount of idealization on a person based on little to no information about said individual OR based on nothing you know of the person
- A lot of romantic/sexual fantasies and day-dreaming.
There are two types of crushes :
A. An obvious LVM : He shows LVM behavior, you know it but you still idealize him.
B. A man who has not shown LVM behavior : Probably because you don't know him well enough or because you have not spent enough time with them. Or because they are withholding information so you can keep crushing on them and they can keep feed off your attention and anything else you are currently providing (sex, status of a "popular" male, etc).
1st lesson : IF you have a crush, regardless if it's A or B, there is only one thing for sure : you need to work on your self esteem. Ain't no HVW idealizing men regardless of their values. You should put no one on a pedestal because no one is perfect, period.
2nd lesson : If your current crush is A, I highly recommend you not to date. The good news is that, at least, you know where you are at when it comes to your self esteem. You are developing feelings on men who, not only aren't actively returning them/are rejecting them and/or are emotionally unavailable but also, who show you who they are and it does not look good. Please learn how to love yourself before dating because it reflects how little you think you deserve when it comes to partnership. In my opinion, you need to detach and uncenter your life from romance all together, and focus on leveling up your self esteem.
3rd lesson : If your current crush is B, I have a good news : I think you're getting close to align what you deserve and where your romantic interest should go toward. However, why is it still happening, you may ask ? Which brings me to my next and most important point.
4th lesson : Examine your crush. What attracted you to them? A particular phrase or attitude they had toward you and that you are looking for in a partnership? Is it in contrast to your exes or any masculine figure you grew up with ? Is it, say, a skill, an asset they possess? Because, when you idealize someone no matter who, there is something that they possess that you desire. But the thing is, for some reason, you don't believe enough that you either can obtain it by your own means or deserve it. If they behaved well towards you, helped you, were polite, basically did the bare minimum, something inside of you tells you that they're exceptional because the standard that you know of is a male who disregards you, disrespects you, doesn't listen to you etc. But you are a human being worthy of all the love, respect, care. And maybe, this crush is telling you that it is time to look for that love inside yourself instead of men who have barely proved they deserved any kind of attention from you. Or this crush is telling you that it is time to believe in yourself and acquire the quality that you never thought you could get.
Finally, a few points :
Women have been both conditioned and socialized to put men above ourselves, whether they are LV or not. Please stop blaming yourself, that is not your fault. You are a human being, and your feelings are shaped by the context you grew up in. However, what you can do, is to slowly but surely deconstruct it. So calmly acknowledge what is happening, examine and then use crushes to learn self control and train yourself to stop idealizing men. You will probably see a pattern of attraction, something that puts the idealization process "on". See it as an exercise, as a way to level up and be alright with yourself.
In order to detach yourself from a crush, there are various tips shared on FDS. For me, observing them after "deconstructing" all the reasons I idealized them, and then finding that one flaw OR LV attitude that I overlooked because of my attraction has been key. It automatically makes me stop crushing on them and it becomes easier with time (also, my self love level up journey makes it harder to crush on men because my standards are higher, so that is another great tip not to crush on men).
No matter what, all the fantasies that you have about your crush are a testament of what you, deep down, feel that you deserve. All of these things, the beautiful romance, someone ready to do X and be X for you, you deserve all of that. But if you are having a crush, you need to do two things : learn how to redirect that energy toward you. THEN eventually, after leveling up, after desacralizing male attention, after learning that choosing yourself first is the best decision one could ever make, you will be able to redirect that wish for external love toward the right person.
In my opinion, I think that using crushes that way and make an introspective work out of it is a healthier choice than learning how to "control" what you feel. Personally, I've gained a lot of calmness and I feel like I also learned how to listen closely to myself. Which is great when working on internal tools such as self control or intuition. Diary and therapy helped me greatly on my journey.
Keep up the good work ladies and tell me what you think :)******
I hope this helps new members or those who didn't get the chance to read it. Pls share your own views/opinions so we can all gain from each other's different perspectives and life experiences. Thanks
I'm more susceptible to be attracted to someone when I'm ovulating, and I sincerely doubt I'm the only one!
I rarely got crushes since I've become an adult, but I suspect that every single time it has started when I'm ovulating, and this simple realization has helped me tremendously.
Before knowing that about myself, it felt less logical and more "magical", I remember feeling myself "falling for someone" and romanticizing it because it felt like it was coming out of nowhere, so it must be some kind of sign or something. Nope! Just hormones.
If you just acknowledge where it's coming from and keep it in check, it usually disappears on its own. The mistake that I made a few times was to lean into that attraction and start fantasizing, daydreaming and whatnot, nurturing the attraction, making that conscious choice of leaning into it until you keep feeling it despite the hormonal phase being completely over.
Nowadays if it happens I instantly switch into "hypervetting mode" and make an exhaustive list of red vs green flags and seeing the giant pile of red often makes that "crush" disappear as suddenly as it showed up! It's actually an amazing vetting practice because it forces you to be objective and ruthless right when you'd be prone to ignore all the instinctive objections and gut feelings.
Sometimes daydreaming and fantasizing feels good though, and if I still want to experience that, I switch to a more distant and harmless fantasy, like a HVM from fiction or some hypothetical man that would check all the boxes. It's a better alternative than to project everything you dream of into some random real life LVM that would never come close to your expectations.
I love well-written and practical pieces like this! We need to have more of a quality vs quantity model at FDS. We have way too many negative, low effort pieces and not enough pieces like this.
If I have a crush, it's only because I finally met a mildly attractive (read: non ugly) man in ages, who has at least a bit of personality.
Thank you for posting this! It's so helpful to me in getting over a many years' old crush.
I kept thinking he was the one that got away, because we met first in person and it was like a magical spark of attraction for me (this has never happened to me before or since).
Now I see he was just a scrote. I was ignoring LV things I saw, because he ended the relationship instead of me, and I felt rejected.
I made a list of his LV actions.
Now I feel cleansed. ❤️
Thank you again for posting this!