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I see posts here along the lines of:
I'm seeing this potentially HVM and things were going great, but I think I've spotted a red flag... What do I do?
So this has prompted me to create this thread to help us put together some info about how spot fake HVM (also known as LVM). I'll start!
An easy way for a LVM to pretend to be HVM - especially if he knows about our strategies - is to pay for dinner in the first couple of dates. Since that particular standard is usually an easy way to weed out cheap LVM, it can be a deceiving trap.
It's important to keep in mind that you should be vetting for a set of behaviours, not just one or two. Avoiding 50/50 dates is just a small part of everything you must vet in a man. Let's say he pays for dinner, but he doesn't out effort in planing said dinner, or he rushes things and seems too eager to be with you. That is LV behaviour. Now what if he plans and pays for dinner, and he's not a lovebomber? Okay, that sounds promissing... However, during your first date, he trauma dumps and blames his crazy ex for the "trauma". He's bad news, sis...
So the key here is to pay attention to many different aspect of his behaviour.
Okay, now I want to know from y'all other ways you can spot a fake HVM. Are there other signs? Perhaps ones that are more subtle. I hope this can be useful!
Watch his boundaries with other people.
My friend was blindsided by her “HVM” because it turned out he had 0 boundaries with his friends and she had to dump him. He would pay for all dates, get flowers and thoughtful gifts weekly, do the most wholesome tearjerker speeches every birthday, treat her like such a princess, etc. But the moment his friends peer-pressured him to do something stupid, he’d cave. He was cowardly and couldn’t defend her when she was humiliated by his circle. Her breaking point was when an older female friend (+10 years) from the circle started getting overly handsy and sexual with him 24/7 (even over text). Apparently it was an ongoing “dare” or “joke” within the friendship group. He blatantly refused to speak up against these “dares” then blamed my friend for causing a scene! She dumped him after that and he was heartbroken 🙄.
If he asks a ton of questions about what you like and what you're looking for, and then he seems to conform to all your preferences. They'll try to dazzle you by pretending to share all you hobbies and interests, by seeming to have all the traits you want in a partner, and by claiming to want the same things out of life.
Theyre trying to trick you into thinking you're compatible under false pretenses.
The way around this is to be vague when answering these kinds of questions and to NEVER discuss what you're looking for in a man.
Bonus: if the topics of marriage and having kids come up, make HIM answer first before you give your vague answer. Find out straight from his mouth what he wants without giving him any clues as to what the "right" answer is for you (understanding that he still might be lying for any number of reasons).
Social media presence is the biggest red flag imo. The other thing is if he's talking at length about his perceived achievements, comes to a date with the work car and generally he's inflated like a pufferfish about himself, because he's either a workaholic or he made his job a pickup gift.
Dead, blank stare is sure sign of a pornsick or a sociopath (or both). If he has anything than a calm, moderate reaction to being said no it's also a red red flag.
Men who call themselves feminists are always fake HVM. They use that word strictly in the sense of 'women should be equal to men by paying 50/50 or more on dates'. It never extends to them doing 50/50 of anything useful for us (or if they actually do, they expect to be praised constantly for it). Never mind the fact that if they were truly allied with women, they would know that 'feminist' is a female-only term. In the same vein, men who desire an 'independent woman' or a 'woman who wants me but doesn't need me' may sound HV at first. But it always means 'Don't expect anything from me in this relationship, because I won't take care of you'.
If your gut is suspicious or anxious, he’s LV as he’s taking away from your life. So much of vetting is tuning into your own emotions around a man.
I have one possible indication. If it sounds like he's puffing up (over-sophistication) the description of his occupation/career or his college degree, perhaps. One of my extended relatives told people he had a Masters Degree in Economics when he never even went to college.
Usually people who go out of the way to tell everyone that they are HV are not that HV. The same goes for other traits such as wealth and social status.
Paying for the first few dinners is not a HV trait. The guy may be looking for casual sex and in his mind, luring girls to have sex with him by paying for a few dinners is cheaper than paying for prostitution.
If or when I divorce my husband one of the vetting ways would be for me to say, "I won't date a man who watches porn." If I never hear a word from him again Good.
If he says all men watch porn then bye.
What a true HVM will do is ASK you why. In a perfect world he will already know why of course. But what you're looking for here is a genuine interest and respect for your opinion. Anything else and he can't even be bothered with your opinion, it won't be relevant now or 10 years down the road either. In fact he probably doesn't give a shit about any woman's opinion, along with a woman's needs, interests, dreams, goals, etc.