How to Spot a Dangerous Man - The Abusive or Violent Man [Part 7/10]

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The abusive or violent man

❋ talks down to you, criticizes you, calls you names, or otherwise uses belittling language against you

❋ refers to his previous partners in negative, demeaning ways

❋ attempts to control or dominate your life choices, small or large

❋ tries to dictate your spiritual or religious beliefs

❋ is frequently irritable

❋ raises his voice, yells, or screams, even when carrying on a “normal conversation”

❋ yells and screams and seems “too worked up” when he gets into an argument with you or others

❋ has a history of assaults against other people

❋ has harmed animals or treated them cruelly

❋ has set destructive fires

❋ becomes violent or out of control when using drugs or alcohol

❋ punches walls or throws things when angry

❋ seems to experience anger as his most frequent emotion

❋ blames you or others for his anger or outbursts

❋ has trouble in other relationships because of his anger

❋ has previously been sent to anger-management training

❋ has previously been sent to substance-abuse treatment

❋ has been expelled or suspended from school or work for anger or fighting

❋ hangs around other people known to be violent

❋ has a short fuse or a hot temper

❋ gets angry when confronted, questioned, or corrected

❋ is preoccupied with violent movies, TV, or video games

❋ idealizes acts of violence and destruction

❋ uses words such as “killed,” “smashed,” and “kicked” in his everyday language

One thing that I thought was an important takeaway was that the author made sure to "emphasize that men who physically assault women aren’t the only kind of abusive men to qualify as dangerous," noting that other forms of abuse entail verbal, emotional, spritual, physical, financial, sexual, and system (in reference to the legal system) abuse.

As for the "Your Defense Strategy" section of this chapter, it is noted that "[w]omen end up in long-term violent relationships because they don’t leave early. They ignore the warning signs and red flags that pop up early in the relationship, when fleeing is a lot easier and safer, " and "[s]ince violence is progressive, it will increase. Whatever the level of abuse or violence is now, it will get worse. Women have the best chances of escape when they leave early in the relationship, following the first episode of violence or inappropriate behavior, and do not go back... An early exit can save your psychological well-being—and quite possibly your life." Additionally, another thing to watch out for is knowing that abusive men will claim to change their behavior, but fail to follow through on actual action. The author also states, "Staying out of the relationship—and that means not even going on dates with him—and requesting that he go to counseling for himself (not couple’s counseling) for six months is a sure way of finding out just how interested he is in having a relationship that is based on emotional maturity and health... I can count on one hand how many men have actually followed through on this." (Personally, however, I would be extremely hesitant to even give a man this much of an opportunity, and I mention this specific point to voice my dissent.)