How to Spot a Dangerous Man - General Red Flags [Part 9/10]

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Chapters 11 and 12 of How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved discuss some more general advice that isn't specific to one type of dangerous man.

❋ Threatening to kill anyone or anything

❋ Assault on a pregnant woman

❋ Assault in front of other people

❋ Forced sex in any capacity, even with a known partner

❋ Violation of court orders

❋ Stalking anyone for any reason

❋ Repeat offenses of any of the behaviors on this list

❋ doesn’t respect your need for time alone

❋ pushes to see you all the time

❋ discourages your outside interests, family, and friends

❋ asks you to do things you are uncomfortable doing (e.g., lying, lending him money, sex, etc.)

❋ uses drugs (any kind of drug use should be a red flag)

❋ uses alcohol too frequently and/or abundantly

❋ is frequently unemployed (except while in school)

❋ changes jobs frequently or is frequently fired or dismissed but always explains it away

❋ wants to control your hair, dress, behavior, friends, jobs, or how you express your spirituality

❋ wants you to quit or change jobs or friends for him

❋ has had multiple unsuccessful relationships

❋ has had any sexually transmitted disease, currently or in the past

❋ has a reputation for lying

❋ conceals important information about himself that you only discover later

❋ is physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually “rough” or “weird”

❋ is too charming, has all the right lines, comes across as excessively smooth

❋ has a history or previous diagnosis of mental illness, especially

- untreated depression

- anxiety (appears “keyed up”)

- bipolar disorder (manic depression), especially if untreated or sporadically treated

- conduct disorder or antisocial personality disorder

- schizophrenia or any other psychotic disorder

- narcissistic personality disorder

- substance abuse (unsuccessfully treated) or other addictions

- borderline personality disorder

- posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

❋ has a criminal record, especially:

- repeat speeding violations

- D.U.I.s

- assault on a female

- battery of any kind

- other assaults

- any sexual offense

- forgery/bad checks

❋ has “deadbeat dad” issues

❋ is inflexible—cannot change to meet a spontaneous request

❋ believes the rules are for everyone else except him

❋ feels or acts like he’s “special and unique.”

❋ You feel uncomfortable about something he has said or done, and the feeling remains.

❋ You feel mad or scared, or he reminds you of someone else you know with a serious problem.

❋ You wish he would go away, you want to cry, or you want to run.

❋ You dread his phone call.

❋ You are often bored with him.

❋ You think no one else in his life understands him.

❋ You think no one else in his life has ever really loved him or helped him.

❋ You think you are the only one who can help/love/understand him.

❋ You want to “love him into emotional wellness.”

❋ You think you can help him “change” or “fix” his life.

❋ You let him borrow money from you or your friends.

❋ You feel bad about yourself when you are around him.

❋ You feel he wants too much from you.

❋ You are emotionally tired from dealing with him and feel he “sucks the life out of you.”

❋ Your value system and his are very different; you frequently are not on the same page about your beliefs, and it is problematic.

❋ Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it.

❋ You tell friends you are “unsure about the relationship.”

❋ You feel isolated from other relationships with friends and family.

❋ You think he’s too charming or a little “too good to be true.”

❋ You feel in the wrong because he is always right and goes to great lengths to show you he is right.

❋ You are uncomfortable because he continually says he knows what is best for you.

❋ You notice he needs you too frequently, too much, or too intensely.

❋ You wonder if he really understands you or instead just claims to.

❋ You are uncomfortable because he has touched you inappropriately or too soon.

❋ You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or his emotional pain.

❋ You sense he is pushing too quickly for emotional connection.

❋ Although you don’t believe it, he claims to feel an immediate connection with you (a sign of false intimacy).

❋ You see him pushing too quickly to get sexually involved with you, and you find yourself willing to abandon your sexual boundaries with him.

❋ You see him as a chameleon; you notice he can change to please whoever is in his presence.

❋ You notice how soon he tells you about his earlier failed relationships and about his previous partners and their flaws.

❋ You notice he mostly talks about himself, his plans, and his future.

❋ You notice he spends a lot of time watching violent movies or TV or playing violent video games; he can be preoccupied with violence, death, or destruction.

❋ You have heard him confess to a current or previous drug addiction.

❋ You have information about major relationship problems that he handled poorly.

❋ He confesses he has been violent in the past or uses drugs or alcohol when stressed.

❋ You know he has multiple children by multiple partners, is inconsistent in paying child support, and rarely sees his children; you find yourself blaming the mother of his children for these behaviors.

❋ You find yourself accepting him “for now,” even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them.

❋ You make excuses about why you are dating him.

❋ You make excuses for his character and minimize his behavior.