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Well, ladies. I broke the FDS rules and found out why we have them. Met a guy through a group I'm part of. We exchanged numbers and after a few weeks of on and off again texting, he asked me out for a coffee and walk 'date'. I thought this was pretty pathetic and considered refusing but I had this curiosity to find out if FDS was right. It is. Walk dates are for dogs.
But that's not why I'm asking for advice. I'm asking because, since the date, I have had this strong feeling that he's unsafe and I need to get away from him. There were some red flags on the 'date' - repeatedly testing my stated refusal to have sex, forced teaming through oversharing, BDSM references, the 'coffee' was actually alcohol - but I felt fine during [edit: I wonder now if this is because he was so intense that his feelings drowned out my ability to hear my own thoughts]. Yet now my gut is screaming at me to get away from him. And I listen to that feeling. It's the gift of fear.
If this was OLD I would block and delete, but I can't because he has my real number/knows my name/is connected to me through IRL friends.
So my question is: Do you have for putting an end to things (through text) in a way that isn't likely to bruise his ego/cause conflict/give him a reason to decide to target me?
Before anyone tells me I should woman up and tell him where to go, I'm not asking this because I want to be nice. I'm asking this because I think the safest and most efficient thing to do is end things now in a non-confrontational way. I don't care if I have to flatter his ego or say things I don't mean. I just want to extricate myself from this asap before I find out why my instincts are telling me what they are. Thanks.
Since he took you out on a very casual hangout date, I recommend downplaying the nature of the relationship. Don’t act like you’re rejecting a romantic prospect; act like you’re not available to “hang out” again. Be brief, do not send him paragraphs validating the “relationship” or giving him hope or anger!
First of all, don’t say anything unless he suggests meeting one-on-one again. If/when he does, I would give a boring gray-rock excuse like “I’m focused on work/school, but I’ll see you around sometime in our friend group.” This indicates you’re not interested, while not making a big thing about rejecting him, so there’s less chance he’ll be outraged and take it out on you.
Good luck and stay safe!
You just say no. Or you can ghost. It's your decision. If you feel like the "closure" of a text would make him less dangerous, text something like, "Hey, I'm going to be too busy to hang out with you in the near future."
If he still doesn't get it, be more firm, not that it matters because nothing you say or do can prevent a man from getting violent. 'Hey, I'm not interest in hanging out anymore, but it's been nice. Take care."
If your friends think you're a bitch for these totally innocuous and polite things, fuck them all.
The only way to reject a dangerous man that seems to really slow them down is by telling them your old boyfriend is moving back and you’re getting back together. Men don’t respect women but they respect other men. That’s always worked smoothly for me.
And this is why I repeatedly say on this forum to NEVER give out your real number!!! Not victim blaming you OP. I just need to remind everyone to please get a Google voice number or download the apps textfree or textnow and get a free number to use while vetting men, because blocking doesn't always work in every situation.
In the future, try giving out a burner number like ones on Google Voice - it works just like a real number and I never have to worry about the wrong people having my real number.
I would just ghost. Stop talking to him. If he tries to ask you out again, just say “no thanks”. If he confronts you about it, say something “It’s not going to work out between us.” or “I’m just not interested.” Don’t specify, even if he asks (he knows why). Just “it just isn’t” or “I’m just not.”
I block men without explanation. Because I've dealt with physical violence and stalking so I'm terrified of confronting men. So I ghost at the first sign of a red flag. Does he know where you live ? People can find your address from where you live. See what info you can find about yourself through your phone number. I use the Text Now app when dealing with men or people I'm unsure of. It's an app that you can call and text through. The other person will never know. It looks like you're just calling or texting from a regular phone number. You can choose your own area code and everything. I use an Android phone so I don't usually have read receipts. If the question me I tell them I use an Android phone or have turn off my read receipts. If you get the free version, you can change your phone number every 15 days.
If you want to block him and he has your real number, maybe block incoming calls from his number in your phone. Not the solution you're looking for but you don't have to accept that he has your phone number and that's it.
I would personally do the slow fade. If he messages, respond, but take longer and longer each time. I also particularly like what another commenter said about refusing to hang out 1-1, but alluding to seeing him in a group setting.