How to detect closeted bi and gay men?

A woman is never “toned enough” for them. They push for anal and BJs over PinV sex. They’re oftentimes very critical of homosexual males, OR they’re way too accepting and seem to admire them. They’re very male focused and care only what men think—not what you think. They get excited when another man flirts with them—like a waiter or bartender. They want to wear your clothes or shoes. They will have an opinion on what you wear, your makeup, hair, etc. as if they’re a better girl than you are. And the number 1 tell for me has been, they hate their mothers. Now they may pretend to love her, but there’s a love/hate seething rage thing going on usually with an absent or a weak father figure. All of these things were observed in my last boyfriend from 2014, who happened to be homosexual, and that’s how I came up with this list. I also do not believe men can be actually bisexual. They’re homosexual males who will have sex with , women out of necessity or her usefulness to him, but they always end up with a man. They always prefer men to women, and they will choose a man over their wife always. That’s at least what I’ve seen. Bisexual women—I think they’re more fair and can end up with either a man or a woman based upon how good the relationship is. I don’t think bisexual men can do this, because it’s more sexual for them instead of relational.

I am an unfortunate expert on this subject. I was manipulated by 3 different bfs into believing they were straight when they were secretly on the down/low. I have gathered a lot of signs from them. With men, they are either a top or a bottom. Most men are bottoms believe or not. They find it difficult to find true top, alpha men themselves. BF#1 was a bottom. With him I was absolutely naive to this phenomenon, But the signs with him were, that he would ask me to peg him. He wanted me to anally fuck him. I never did cause eeeeww gross. I asked him if he was interested in men, and he got immediately defensive and gaslighted me saying, "straight men can like anal too! That doesn't make me gay!!" So I felt bad that I thought he might be gay. LOL. He also asked me to do 3somes with another man as well. This is one way gay curious guys can get experience but pretend like he did it for you and "for your pleasure", when really his hidden agenda was to get experience with men himself while still pretending to be straight. Oh my word. My young innocent, naive 20s. Fast forward 2 years, and I catch him on his knees sucking our neighbors dick. Sigh. BF #2 was a top. He was harder to discover. With him there were not many signs. He did everything perfectly. He was very attentive to my needs. He loved to cook for me, give me massages, always worried about MY pleasure before his. Took me out on real dates. On the surface he was seemingly HVM. The way I found out was by reading his emails. He left his email open one day, and I snuck in and read them. Only to find dozens of emails on Craigslist for him looking (and finding) men to suck HIS dick. When I confronted him, he had the audacity to tell me he wasn't gay because he was a top. That only bottom men are actually gay. ROFL. So I had to explain it to him in this way, "If you are a man, and you are doing ANY activity with another man, that causes either one of you to bust a nut, YOU'RE GAY". Signs with him were a lot harder to find because he was a top, therefore more masculine. Bf #3 was just a hot mess. After that last 2 bfs, I was immediately looking my for any red flags of down low behavior with him. He turned out to be a bottom. Signs with him were easier to pick up. First things I noticed were the types of videos he would show me. Videos he thought were hilarious, not porn. But like regular YouTube videos. But they always involving some borderline gay shit. One video he thought was hilarious was this guy riding a stationary bike, but the bike seat had been taken off and replaced with a dildo. So when he would ride he had to sit in the fake cock. Yeah, "super funny"... NOT. Bottoms like being submissive to men, but not to women. So with me he would act all Dominant, but then I'd see him interact with men (in public, with his friends or with male strangers) and his demeanor would change to an effeminate one. This next sign is huge. And this sign is exclusive to bottom guys, If the guy is weirdly over emotional in a feminine kind of way. Like if he cries a lot, or gets hurt easily, or is super sensitive. I find this is a huge sign that he's secretly gay. I find real true straight males aren't sensitive bitches like these guys are. Bf #3 was so emotionally volatile. At first I thought his sensitive soul was endearing. But really it was his gay female side coming out..Bf #1 was also a sensitive bitch and he too was a bottom. Bf #2 that was a top, wasn't like that.

They're into anal, hanging out with their bros with 0 physical boundaries, make excuses for cheating among bisexual people, homophobic, wanting male validation so bad.

I'm bisexual and I used to not have problems with bi men but many of them are misogynistic, internally biphobic/homophobic and porn sick af. That's what I noticed among the bi men I've dated.

Dated a bi man back when I was an unaware idiot. My experience won’t apply to all bi men, but maybe a portion. He lovedbombed me hardcore to “possess” me but as soon as he “won” me he pulled this crap. He had A LOT of signs of pornsickness:

• still subscribed to dating apps even after we moved in together and tried to hide it and lie about it

• every time we went out he pointed out people he thought were attractive that he would like to f*ck (never seemed to understand women hate this)

• got up hours and hours too early for work (probably watching porn) and came home late from work every day

• couldn’t get an erection without pharmaceutical aid and had trouble ejaculating (both signs of porn use & excessive masturbation)

• wouldn’t stop talking about being molested as a child—like was obsessed and told me on our first date and brought it up after constantly. Brought it into any conversation he could with people—he genuinely tried to use it as a “poor me” story to get laid. No one wants to have sex after talking about child m*lesters —except for ped*philes who associate children with sex

• slowly revealed pedophilic tendencies like preferring much younger women and younger men, preferring his partners to have petite child-like frames, not liking body hair, liking small boobs and flat chest (but tried to pretend he liked an “athletic” body type)

• abused his ex girlfriend into losing weight and changing her appearance until she looked like a teen

• has big incel energy —obsessed with sex, kinks, and bdsm but simultaneously doesn’t seem very sexually experienced (was NOT into being pegged) —I genuinely think he just couldn’t pull his “type” (aka teens) so he either didn’t date at all or only dated whoever would fall for his bs (met a lot of gay men like this —they really want teen boys, but settle for whatever man is willing to have sex with them)

• said he was bisexual, but had never had a relationship with a man (means he thinks men are for sex only —he knows a man wouldn’t put up with the abuse & control he inflicts on his female partners)

• hated his mom, HATED, and projected his mom onto every woman in his proximity

The biggest red flag for me was realizing his actual type was teenagers (vomit). He was only happy in situations where he could physically overpower his partner —creepy af. I ran after that and boy was he mad. He was the most unstable and violent person I ever dated. Like, I had to change my phone number and move after the death threats and him breaking in. Dude needed therapy or a padded cell, not to date.

My ex wanted a skinny woman with no tits and married me a curvy woman with large tits. He triangulated me with every woman we came in contact with that was skinny. Later I found out he liked skinny men that cross dressed. He needed me to marry him and make him seem "normal" to his mother (whom he despised) he also, 1) peed while sitting down 2) would not go down on me 3) was very adverse to doing anal (later found out he was just keeping in the closet, didn't want me to wonder) 4) got giddy around other men who showed him attention 5) was 27 years old and only had 2 sexual partners. These are my red flags for a man who is closeted gay/bi. I do not, will not ever be with a man with these traits again (except for the not wanting to do anal) 5 years of my life I will never get back! Never settle ladies.

Mahn. Everything you said is so valid. Don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but your point about attraction to feminine men is a red flag that pings my spidey senses. I don’t ignore my instincts. Picture this, I’m in grad school in NY living my cosmopolitan dream and pretending to be Charlotte York. I go on Hinge (LOL) and I get a match from a blonde haired blue eyed tall guy. Let’s call him Adam. First date is a burlesque show, my suggestion (I know I know🙃, but it’s more cirque de soleil than and acrobatic tricks, than nudity). Anyhoo, there are some perfomers, “twinks” doing tricks in the air. It’s beautiful, they have makeup on. About four men with petite builds and pretty faces. And Adam commented “they’re so hot”. Twice. I friend zoned him immediately then and lost all interest in him as a romantic prospect. Selah.

A bisexual man I briefly dated showed these symptoms:

- porn sickness and sex obsessed. Was into kinks and bdsm and choked me without my consent

- said he preferred marrying a woman for children

- community dick

- loved to debate with me CONSTANTLY like every conversation. Loved starting drama and belittling me and other women over anything and everything

- had no problem letting women pay for him

- very feminine in frame and said he saw muscles as attractive

- over emphasizes attraction to women as if trying to prove to himself he’s straighter than he actually is

overall BARF BARF BARF

i’m bisexual and could never bring myself to use the opposite sex, use my sexuality as an excuse to cheat or cheat in general. I will NEVER date a bisexual man ever again for the sake of my wellbeing.

one guy I was with, I did notice on his dating profile he was open to trans. I didn’t think much of it but in retrospect seems like a sign.

I did not find out til after the relationship that he had been on Reddit hooking up with men the whole relationship.

i remember a post either here or reddit fds talking about how vetting is more important the more invested you are because it gets harder to leave. You can be with someone like 15 years and they can suddenly become bad for your life in any way, including coming out of the closet and or cheating, you just never know. So yea, it’s always a possibility no matter how well you think you know him. Gotta just date and commit with caution knowing you need to be happy with your life with or without a partner

I only have one real experience with a bi man. My story isn’t as crazy as the others here.

He was a nice guy, treated my quite well. He never mentioned that was he bisexual. When we’d make out he would always get aroused so I thought it was a good sign. This was before we were sleeping together. When I decided I was comfortable to do more that’s where things got weird.

His body was completely hairless , like no pubes at all! Just smooth. I thought it was kinda strange to see a man that did that. But basically once we got our clothes off he would lose his erection or he’d be done in literally 2 pumps. Not even kidding. 2 pumps 😬

so he could never get it going or he’d cum in a few seconds. He told me after the first time we had sex that he was bisexual but I didn’t have a problem with it. We only had sex a total of 3 times and then I ghosted because I didn’t see the point. after hearing all the horror stories I probably would not continue to see a bi man now.

I think cheating is what makes the issue moreso than sexual orientation because anyone has the ability to be loyal. That said, sex addicts cheat using apps and you can see that in their app download history. Also, a straight man showed me he had secret vault folders to store photos and communication with his mistress. The vault app was on his smartphone Home Screen, inside a folder of apps. The icon looks like a random app or a duplicate of an app. You can look up secret vault apps to learn to recognize them. Hopefully you can screen people for their values regarding monogamy rather than have to resort to detective work. A good sign is having strong belief system that promotes monogamy, and parents that are happily married, especially a father that is loyal. Nobody can help if their family members have bad behavior so ask how they feel about the situation if there is cheating in their family. Is he disgusted? Does he blame the woman? Ask him how he feels about some man that cheated and listen carefully to his answer.

Question for everybody and I really need to know the answer. Is everybody here agreeing that if a guy wants to do anal to a woman, that means he's gay? What if he usually wants vaginal intercourse and anal is only occasionally? I don't know these things, please. Thanks!

Remember when the news about monkey pox broke out? This guy had AIDS and hepatitis C, and still would go all around Europe having sex parties with anonymous men during pandemic. Just makes you think how really think about sex, safety and responsibility.

Always some kind of sob story how he was abused as a child. Gay or not, it is a red flag on its own, all aggressive men were abused as children.

Wears jewelry. I've never seen a regular straight guy wear a bracelet.

Strong perfume.

Over twenty, but still has bro dynamic with his friends.

I was lucky this guy is dumb enough to put his real name on his gay twitter account so I found out through a simple twitter search. So my tip is to always search the guy's name on search engines and social medias, just in case.

He followed a lot of random men on Instagram, not coworkers (I used to work with him so I know), not schoolmates, turns out they are dating apps matches.

He's extremely masculine and he praises me for doing some masculine things.

Oh, and the most obvious telling sign: into bodybuilding!

Just seeing this post. I think the man I just ended things with may have been bi. There was something really off about him and some of the comments here are confirming that 😄. Did not sleep with him, did not even kiss. But I think he was at least homosocial for the following reasons

• despite being 40 he wore these huge diamond earrings in both years. We don't live in Hollywood or NYC.. He's a business analyst. Those earrings made no sense and felt performative

• Kept raising an eyebrow when I spoke. Again, performative.

• I found this a bit odd for a Black/African man. But when we talked about religion and how he left Christianity his only reason was because of conversion therapy AND he said multiple times "no one taught me to like women as a child, I just did" so why should anyone need to teach gay people to be straight. Here's the thing, I absolutely agree with him! I just found it odd that the two different occasions we talked about religion he repeated this both times. There was no further insight, he didn't even say he'd known LGBTQ people and gotten to learn from them. He had no other reasons for disliking his childhood religion... It was the same thing and insisting that he'd always liked women and always been attracted to them. I even felt a bit icked out the way he said he'd known naturally that kissing women was good. Sorry but no one logics their way into social justice, especially if you're from the dominant group. I didn't naturally just come to believe in gay equality -- reading about it, meeting people from those communities, having a rooomate that eventually transitioned... all those things influenced my perspectives. He could not articulate why he'd come to believe what he does beyond "it makes sense to me" which, for a Blac man raised Christian, is sus.

• Homosocial. He seemed to be way into the advice of his bros, even telling me they'd adviced him to cut his hair recently and that's why he got a haircut. His hair on our 1st two dates was ATROCIOUS. It was so bad I brought it up to my friends and was like, I'm not sure I'm attracted to him. On our third date he shows up with a modern haircut and when I complimented him this man TOLD me his friends (who he'd just travelled to see) clowned his hair and made him cut it... Sir, you are 40. You have to meet with a bunch of heterosexual men in order for you to realize you're unattractive to women?

• Weird gaps in life and career milestones. He had 3 bachelors degrees from 3 different schools. Most recently, finished his 3rd BS at 35. He claimed to have just moved out from a roommate and was living (possibly rentfree) in his inlaws house while they're away. When I asked about the roommate I got minimal info. Oh and at one point he let slip that "all my friends in [our city] are in their 20s"

• Another odd thing that is culturally specific. We're both West African. He made this odd comment about how he gets along better with east Africans -- and by that I mean east Africans from really small, poor countries. For instance he said no west African has urged him to come visit htheir country but Zimbabwean and Tanzanian men he has met get really excited that hes from West Africa. I'm sorry but for a west African man I'm getting vibes of uncertainty around either masculinity or his culture. This is a subtle thing that I think only West Africans would pick up on.

It's possible he might not be bi, but something was way up and I sensed I was seeing a performance and that he was the kind of person who years later would reveal a major dealbreaker.

• Likes pegging (not all guys who like pegging are gay, some straight guys enjoy it, but all the guys I know who like pegging also like being fucked by men)

• Fetishizes pre-op trans women

• Uses Grindr

• Into crossdressing (not all crossdressers are gay, but my ex definitely posted a lot of his photos online for other crossdressers to admire... I wasn't okay with it but went along with it anyway because he insinuated I was the only person IRL he could share it with and we could explore things together and blahdeeblah) (typical sad guy with a sob story BS)

• Wears cock rings under his clothes when he goes to work (it's not just for your benefit, trust me...)

• Uses poppers

• Does meth or deals meth... typically meth dealers will use their product with customers, and meth is one of those drugs that usually makes you really horny. You know what demographic uses a lot of meth? Gay men. Think about it. Also this should be obvious but don't date meth addicts.

• Is really into Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Madonna, Ariana Grande, or other female musicians who are sort of worshipped by the gay community. Not always! But when there are enough of the other signs it's a thing to pay attention to.

• Is wildly homophobic when among his homophobic guy friends to impress them, but also has close friends who are gay men, and if he knows you're open-minded he will not be homophobic around you. My guy, who are you really?! What are your actual opinions? You'll never know because he changes them to fit with whoever he's talking to. He's wildly insecure.

• Doesn't bring you around his family because they have some past beef because one of the parents said or did something homophobic one time