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I have a mutual attraction with a man, I'm fighting my inner pick-me and it's challenging.
The only reason I'm fighting my inner pick-me, though, is become I'm becoming impatient and frustrated that he hasn't specifically asked me out on a date yet. BUT even if he would, my answer would be "Ask me again in 11 months."
That's because we met in a support group for those struggling with alcoholism. He's been sober for years but I haven't--I've only been sober a month and I'm simply not ready.
In fact, I may have to find another group to attend because I find this man sooooo attractive that I find restraining myself to be challenging.
My Inner Pick-Me tells me to do the following incorrect things:
Number One. Ask him out for coffee...First, asking HIM out is a NO. Second, COFFEE is a No.
Number Two. Bringing some of my baking to the support group, which would be wrong because I'd only be doing it so I can give him some.
Number Three. Ignoring the red flags I've seen so far, which include having been addicted to alcohol, having a criminal past--I do too, but men and women become criminalized for different reasons--not being okay enough to go back to life without attending this support group, him coming from a poor background while I come from an upper middle class one--I've done that before and he just became bitter towards me for not being able to capitalize on the opportunities I had and how he had to work so hard, blah blah blah, MEETING HIM IN AN ADDICTION SUPPORT GROUP.
Other red flags include that I'm older than him but that that he looks older than me, I don't like his choice of fashion, he's short so I worry about him having a short man complex he isn't over, I have a post-secondary education while he doesn't and I've only worked as a professional.
Number Four. What he mostly knows about me is how I look and the fact I can't stop looking at him.
With all that you might wonder what I do like about him. He's facially beautiful, takes care of his body, has good hygiene, says the most insightful things and I've learned a lot from him.
I feel pathetic because I'm drawn to this guy, because my body wants him, he's soooo good looking.
A number of people from the support group were going to go out for coffee afterwards, he asked me to come along and I said yes but then the others--all men--suddenly started backing out and I thought "oh no, they can tell we like each other and they're backing out so we can be alone, and I'm not ready--or even sure--I want to be alone with him," so I backed out too.
Which gets to Number Four. I'm now worried he doesn't like me anymore and feel like I ought to do something to let him know that EVEN THOUGH, I don't want to date anyone right now AND he has red flags.
I swear to God, I need to apply the 12-step approach to my libido.
I keep telling myself "I don't have to act on every attraction AND even if I did, he has yet to ask me for real a date AND if he did he wouldn't be high-value because he knows dating in early sobriety is a bad idea."
Ideally, I don't want to end up with another alcoholic either. I've been with an another alcoholic, almost everyone in my family is an alcoholic or is an alcoholic in recovery (I'm English) and further drinking is so normalized that it took me moving to North America to realize the amount the English drink is not normal or healthy, and that many of my problems stemmed from my drinking, and the attitudes I developed,
Then I wonder if I'm a hypocrite. Do I deserve a man who has not struggled with substance abuse or man who just doesn't like alcohol?
Would I be okay with a man who drank socially? Do I need to limit myself to men who are in recovery ?
Also, am I a snob for seeing a man's working class background as being a red flag?
Both my parents were working class but my father is very intelligent and was given educational opportunities not afforded to most other people of his class due to that and attended a public school (what is called a private school in North America) and managed to capitalize on that. So is my snobbery warranted given I'm from the first generation of my family that didn't grow up in poverty?
At the same time, my father was treated like crap by everyone but his parents and sister for making it into the upper middle class, and I once tried having a relationship with someone from a poor background, he was so jealous and he financially abused me.
I also worry about being taken advantage again. My parents bought me a house--I didn't have to put down a dime for it--and I will inherit most of their assets when they die, which depending on how long they make it could be almost nothing if they live to a hundred, or millions of dollars plus their house.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my Pick-Me analysis of this situation. It helps to write it down.
Self sabotage. Change your support group. Your spiral and over analyzing will not help. The smartest thing to do right now is remove yourself from temptation and gain clarity. All the best.
He's a distraction you don't need as you focus on your sobriety. There is nothing good that will come from this. You've done the hard work of being sober a month (congrats!!!), don't jeopardize that for a guy. Too many red flags, too much right now. Swap support groups asap. Don't stay in contact with him.
Wishing you well in your recovery. You got this
I agree, get a new support group. If you’re not seeing a therapist, get one ASAP. Your post sounds like you’re using your fascination with him as a distraction from your own growth, which may be fantasy thinking or codependency. Talk it out with a professional.
You don't have alcohol anymore so he is your new drug of choice. Your body is craving feel good hormones. Don't listen and treat him as you would a bottle of wine.
I’m in recovery as well. I'll have 14 years in January. This is not a new concept that happens in the rooms, girl RUN!!! You are new and vulnerable and need to focus on your sobriety. Do you have a sponsor?
This is called 13 stepping and it’s frowned on by people who have good recovery. It’s essentially where men (and occasionally women, but, usually men) pray on newcomers because they’re new and vulnerable and they can use the allure of sobriety and program to try to impress you and win you over.
Please find another group (there are so many these days!!) or even better an all Women’s group. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat more but please get yourself out of this situation. He is not a good person.
Congrats on your 1 month sober!! Sobriety has been the biggest gift I've given to myself - I've found it's helped me get out of my head more and into my body. It feels like you're overthinking EVERYTHING - something I'm all too familiar with in my past. I'd suggest some sort of body focused practice to get you out of your head and into your body. This pickme stuff is an old habit of yours, just like alcohol. Just like it takes time to heal from your relationship with alcohol, it also takes time to heal from our old, crummy, pickme behaviors.
Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again, cupid shoots his shot in the wrong direction sometimes. You feel this draw for this person yet you know better than to do anything about it. I don't know what your spiritual practice is, but "coord cutting" has helped me in situations like this. Also slamming the door on his face and moving forward with your life by finding another group (in my case it has been blocking these people).
Again, congrats on your sobriety! I got sober and in 2019 and didn't start dating again in late 2021. It's a much better experience now than it was, the quality of men in my life is much higher!! I have a feeling you'll also start attracting healthier connections in your future since you're making such positive lifestyle change.
What if you took a deep breath ?🙂 I do this too and go way too far ahead of myself. Change your perspective and just start getting to know him in a friendship way. Then you will build a picture of this guy. You are both going to be weary coming through addiction. Look into techniques to avoid attachment.