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I've been reflecting on past relationships and this came up for me. I realized I have a pattern in past relationships where it may have started with me being pursued and treated well but then slowly switched to me either being taken advantage of/taken for granted in large and small ways, me leading the relationship way more than I ever should have or wanted to, being the only one putting in effort all the way to becoming an abused bangmaid. Usually this change happened only after I was "locked in" (and preFDS) which made it not only difficult to spot early on but also to subsequently leave. I was also very agreeable, naive, inexperienced and easygoing at the time which I think made me an easy target for these types of men.
I've since learned a lot from those relationships and have worked on defining my boundaries and what I want and expect in relationships to avoid these types in the future, but wanted to see what you ladies may have to share about your experiences that are like this and what has worked for you then and going forward. Are there any major red flags you have seen to spot this type of behavior early on? If it's more minor (ie he won't buy flowers for you randomly) is it worth communicating to see if he will listen, like a HVM test, or not worth the effort at all (ie don't communicate with men, block and delete)?
It’s a hard and often subtle lesson to learn and practice in early dating: Leave When His Energy First Changes. This is really all we can do once we spot his energy towards us begin to shift.
Examples of when women should've left in early dating: 1) Any form of him ghosting, like a whole day/night where he is suddenly not in touch like usual. 2) Any triangulation with or "mention-itis" about his woman best friend/ex/coworker/etc. 3) Catching him in any lie or paltering (lying using true facts/omissions). Lying is a gigantic red flag for future abuse.
If we hold the standard that the man we're involved with needs to be head over heels for us, we'll get to a point where we will remove ourselves the moment he shows that he isn't into us.
He should have his own place and he should be able to maintain it on his own without the help of a woman, be it you, his mom, his sister, etc.
Failure indicates that he's expecting the woman in his life to do the heavy lifting.
How he reacts when you say no - it could be anything. No, I don't want to go to that movie, No, I'd rather not do xyz....if does anything other than accepting it like a mature adult--"Ok no problem/we can do this instead/etc."---i.e. f he gets whiny, starts to gaslight you for being a problem for saying no/setting a boundary, gives you the silent treatment....he's TRASH.
I mean, go ahead and communicate and see where that gets you.
You: Honey, you did this minor thing such as not getting me flowers and now I am sad, sweetie.
Him: You're being mean because you're calling me on my bullshit and directly addressing it.
You: Yes. Society told me to do this.
Him: I am now the victim and will go pout like a 2 year old and give you the silent treatment because you hurt my feelings by pointing out that I did a thing that hurt your feelings. Beg me to speaketh to you again, peasant maid.
Seriously, try it, just to make sure you've covered all your bases. You'll get 2 weeks of silent treatment and or/lashing out followed by a shitty half-assed apology and zero change in behavior, and the apology is just a poorly veiled attempt to sleep with you.
I agree that men who will turn lazy later on are hard to spot. I feel the best indicator is sustained effort in something outside of his treatment of you. Find out what his other ongoing endeavors in his life are like. My partner, for example, had been in a decade-long relationship (which included marriage) that required all sorts of sacrifices. Mind you, it's important how he talks about this, if he majorly plays up his own contributions, that's a red flag. My bf was very humble about it (not humble bragging), so it registered as a green flag. Also, take note of how he talks about effort in general, does he lament how much work XY is, does he have a transactional mindset where he expects a reward or applause for every little thing? I feel men who are preparing to slack off later on mostly can't put in the initial effort without complaining. They'll do it, but begrudgingly. They'll think it makes them exceptionally good men and they'll be just way too impressed with themselves.
When you feel a little ridiculed, mocked or talked down to like you're dumb, or talk to you like you're a child who doesn't know any better, even if it's a slight feeling stay away, Men test the waters to see how far they can go. Don't sweep it under the rug or assume you're just being whiny. When disrespect is served no matter how small then get up and leave. Not every man is trash but every man will blame you when the person you are with treats you like trash.
Name calling or talk about sexual topics in a joking way is their attempt to see if you have a backbone.
I feel like I could have written this. I've left every single previous relationship because eventually I became the bangmaid.
I'm currently in a relationship where it was brilliant at the start, all green flags but now he's getting lazy and a huge red flag in the bedroom has me wanting to leave. We just started a fresh 12month lease and I have no where to go. I know he'll want to keep the rental and I'd allow that because I don't want to commit to something I may not be able to afford.
I could move back with my parents, but my father is a massive scrote too.
If there's one big lesson I learned from FDS, it's that early on, a man is on his best behaviour, putting on his best show. Always, always, remember this.
After all, most people try to start off putting their best foot forward.
If his behaviour is already bad, you know what to do. When it's good - proceed with caution.
Have fun and enjoy the good behaviour as long as it lasts, by all means, but don't pin your future hopes and dreams on it.
Realize, okay, there's a chance this could the real him, so no need to despair like "everything's fake, what is real?", but there is also a chance it could be temporary, so don't go all starry-eyed like "oh, what a wonderful man, he could be it for me", either.
It's a difficult balance, dealing with schrodinger's scrote.
But this is what it takes not to get "locked in".
How long do you give it before you "relax" and consider a guy out of the "too early to tell" phase? That's a whole other big question. There's been much discussion about this in another thread. I don't think there's some exact "this many months" answer, there are too many variables. It sure would be nice to have an exact time and "ding! You're done!" Unfortunately it's not that easy 😁