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As HVW we aim to decenter men from our lives. To me, it also means : decentering their interest in us from our lives. This is something I have been struggling with lately and here are my thoughts.
The controversial sentence "he is not that into you" has been called out many times including on FDS and I want to keep on going further with this.
From my opinion, there are two reasons why a man treats us one way or another : His level of interest and his low value ways. I think that even when a man is "into a woman", he may treat her well at the beginning but his low value ways will creep back up to the surface one way or another. Is it a testament of his loss of interest ? Maybe yes, maybe not. Sometimes it is also because he had nothing to give to begin with, and he faked it until he made it. Low value is a combination and a result of low self esteem, social conditioning , education, lack of values, mysogyny... self hate.
LVM hate themselves so how could they love properly a woman ?
Anyways. Re-centering ourselves is all about putting ourselves at the heart of our lives. We don't control someone's interest in us, we don't control how it shows up in the way we are treated, what we control is how we respond to the way someone chooses to treat us. Who cares why they treat us the way they do. What matters is recognizing how they don't align with what we deserve. Let him go because he is not the one for you.
If you are a HVW, you have nurtured a life that you love with values that are embodied in each and every one of your choices. You deserve to find someone aligned with the same loving energy you give to the world.
So bored of that lazy response on here. Too much projection. Men treat even supermodels with impeccable personalities with extremely low effort. The reality is that most men are LVM and there is a serious trend of adopted laziness and negging through words and actions nowadays.
You'd think users would have read the below by now since it's on the main page
https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/he-s-just-not-that-into-you-is-a-phrase-that-only-applies-to-some-men-here-s-why
Very good observation. LVM can have feelings for you but it doesn't matter because they'll treat you badly anyways. Who cares what they want? “He's not that into you” always has an aftertaste of “you're not lovable enough to this man and this is why you're suffering right now”. But why should we burden ourselves with a man's feelings or lack thereof? If he can't give you what you want, he doesn't deserve any more thought.
I love your reframing and the way you shift the focus from us decentering men to recentering ourselves. Removing men from the whole equation is the goal. It's scary when you look around and realize that the world caters to men in every way, that so much revolves around what they like and what they want. None of us can fully escape it, but we can be intentional about where we put our focus. I do not want to put my worth in a man's hands.
My preferred alternative is “He’s not willing and able.” It places the blame on what he lacks. Some men are unwilling to make you happy, others are unable, others both. Obviously a HVW would never choose to date a man who is not willing and able to build a happy and comfortable life with her.
Yes we can. I wanted to write a post on this topic but you did a wonderful job. 📌ed
I often see this expression used to explain mixed signals or other confusing, disrespectful behavior. Bottom line: the actions of men have no reflection on our worth.
Great post. When I think about it, “he’s not that into you” seems like a catchphrase with a particular function, it aims to help women snap out of it. And somehow, it’s quite powerful at that. But I agree, that it needlessly centers the wants and interests of some flaky male 🙄 Personally, I’ve arrived at something similar as you. If he doesn’t court, he can’t be the right one. And then I like to imagine a female bird on a branch, and, let's say, the male bird never makes it up there, or shows up dirty and disheveled or something 😄 The female bird won’t even acknowledge him! I channel that energy.
I'm going to personally reframe it as "He sucks and he's missing out."
I think this is a great observation, and it's true that it places blame on the woman. But it's also been helpful to me at times when men have breadcrumbed me but the only advice I could find was "cOMmuNICate! He probably really likes you!" There was a time when I needed the tough love of "he's just not into you". Now that I've grown through FDS, though, it's much easier to spot a scrote and walk away.
I love this! Thank you for articulating this so well and sharing ❤️
I don't like the concept of "not the one for you", its feeding into the idea of some fairytaile ideal relationship with a Prince Charming that's been sold to women. There isn't the one, the one is who want to work on things with you and grow together.
I saw a tik tok where a girl kept asking the viewer if their partner did horrible or low-value things and then concluding with: "he hates you"
"You like something and he belittles it- he hates you."
I initally got mad but the more I thought about it the more I agreed. "He's not that into you" expresses disinterest that doesn't fully match men's behavior. I read an article that said that the new mysoginists don't doubt women are smart, worthy of love, etc- they just hate them for it. Everything women do that makes them great makes them hate them more. This resonates with my experiences. The men who played with my feelings, love bombed me, would go hot and cold, would express and demonstrate interest- they just didn't demonstrate that they cared about my feelings, respect me, or invest in me. They were happy to waste my time. They loved it. They enjoyed my attention, time, etc. But they hated me.
The reason we hate "he's not that into you" is because when we see even the most amazing, kind, gorgeous women get dumped or treated like trash by even their long-term loving partners- we wonder what else would a woman have to do to be treated well and be loved in return the way she loves? The idea that the men are not interested feels like gaslighting because we always think- what other woman is more beautiful or perfect than that one (Jolie, Aniston, Gomez, Swift, Beyonce, Shakira, Berry, Giselle, Karol G- like literally all of them!)? How could he not love her? The answer is, sadly- he might have loved and cared for her- but he also hated her. The greater she is and better she does things, the more they hate her. Not just because they are jealous or insecure- but because some men genuinely hate women.
I have a few more- feel free to add some. It always feels cathartic to me:
He doesn't want to take you to dinner but stil have sex? He hates you. He doesn't mind spending 10 years with you but doesn't marry you? He hates you.
He shows passion, love, and caring, but also disrespectes or mistreats you? He hates you.
The phrase "He's just not that into you" is just about casually interpreting mixed signals during the process of dating. Women tend to overthink and confused themselves into staying in a situationship hoping for more. That's why there's a whole book about this phrase that sold over 2 million copies marketed to women. The phrase isn't the end all, be all to dating.
Of course it's not going to be a super defense against a man playing the long game. If someone wants to be so deceptive as to keep up an appearance until he marries you, no matter how long that takes, that's going to be really hard to suss out with any method. And women fall prey to sunk cost fallacy, you put so much time and effort and money into a man who turns out to be LVM.
Ideally yes, we should all be high value women. However, we got to start somewhere. As much as I hate the Reddit "this man is doing horrible things to me so I just want to vent in the form of asking advice" type posts that make it on to Female dating strategy, it's welcoming to see newcomers at least trying to start on a good path (which we can tough love them).
This site is called "female dating strategy". It's not called "We are all enlightened women, looking down on lesser beings who need a cute little phrase to understand the actions of men"
This is a really great and positive post