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When I go on a date, I usually ask about the reason for their previous breakup. Here's my theory based on experience (I could be wrong) , and I would appreciate your input:
Red flags:
If they label their ex as "crazy," it often means their own actions made their ex go " crazy".
If they mention their ex "cheated" on them, it could indicate mistreatment or infidelity on their part.
If they excessively boast about how well they treated their ex (being generous, loyal), it may indicate he's extremely selfish and not loyal.
If they describe their ex as having a "hot and cold" or "avoidant attachment" style, it's likely they displayed those behaviors themselves.
If they claim to have been "abandoned" by their ex, it suggests they may have done something to cause the breakup.
If they speak poorly of their previous partner, it's likely they treated them poorly.
If they bring up their ex unprompted, it means they are not over them
Green flags:
A good man would never bad mouth their previous partner.
If they say the reason of the break up was incompatibility ( such as a partner moving away, finances, whether they want to have kids, where they want to live)
If they take responsibility for their own faults in the previous relationship ( Mentioning things they did wrong in the relationship).
1. What do you guys think?
2. Also, what are some reasons why a woman might break up with a good man? Is it possible for a woman to leave a good man, perhaps because she finds him boring or not exciting enough? Or is it generally believed that a woman would never leave a good man?
I wouldn’t leave a good man but that’s because I’ve never found one. I’d be thrilled if a non-cheating, handsome good guy came along.
This is great info. Thank you! To answer your second question, this would probably only apply to early in the relationship break-ups, but I think lack of sexual attraction would cause a woman to leave a good man. Maybe she hoped it would come after a few months of dating and it just didn’t. I am only attracted to laid-back, somewhat serious men and have never been able to see a more “bubbly” man (probably a better word for it that I’m not thinking of at the moment) as more than a friend.
I think it's naive to assume that all women are perfect, would never hurt a man let alone cheat, and if they do, it's because the man deserved it. BUT it's still important to listen to how a man talks about his breakups and whether he paints himself as the victim. Men who are still very hurt and disappointed shouldn't be dating, first of all. And men who are "over it" with their specific ex but still harbor bitterness towards women in general are to be avoided at all costs. This is fairly easy to spot in a man, I think, but many of us are still conditioned to rush in and soothe the man's feelings and prove to him that we're different and would never hurt him that way. As soon as you catch yourself feeling this way, it's a red flag.
I think you made good points here! I‘d never ask though, one of my friends asks this to guys on the first date usually and unsurprisingly all the men say they were cheated on! 😂
Obviously we know that these men were cheating, but she’d always believe these guys for whatever reason.
But I think if there’s a good guy and you ask him this, it will be very off putting. Most hvm won’t want to go into past relationships right away.
I was on a first date and a guy asked me this and I told him it wasn’t his business and to me, it was a red flag and I think a hvm would also see this as a red flag.
For the second part of your question, I think it’s possible for a woman to leave a good man. I don’t think it happens much though. they might not be compatible or they want different things in life Maybe, moving for a job or something like that.
It depends on 1) how big those things were, and 2) whether he knows how to do things differently.
My ex owned up to his part in his last relationship, but he was vague about it, and it was the kind of issue you don't solve by just becoming aware of it, it requires more inner work. If the last relationship was a toxic mess or he did something aweful and it was not that long ago, then I'd still be wary.
Just adding this because some guys know how to use psychobabble to sound very 'conscious'.
I'd pay attention for this information for sure, but I wouldn't ask on a first date.
Not every hvm is right for every woman. Even if he’s high-value, there are still a lot of reasons why he might have been incompatible with his ex. I would stay away from anyone who badmouths his ex (I don’t care if she was the worst person in the world, bringing it up on a date is is a sign of emotional immaturity), anyone who seems like he’s not over his ex (wants to talk about her beyond a “we just weren't compatible, and decided it would be best to break up”), or tries to get sympathy from you by talking about how sad he was when his ex left him (he’s a crybaby, and he‘s also probably the reason she left).
Accurate red flags however remember that the more self aware LVMs will know the top list are red flags a woman could notice and will take a reason from the green flag list instead. One of the most abusive, nasty men gave "finances" as his reason for the breakup with an ex and did not go into detail about it. Basically LVMs fit the red flags category and both LV and good men will fit under your green flag category.
The reason I got from my boyfriend was that he and his ex wife were too similar, like in the sense that they didn’t complement each other well—when they were good they were really good but the fact they had the same faults just played off itself and made things unsustainable. For example, they’re both kinda workaholics and push themselves a little too hard, so at home no one was being that chill “it’s gonna be okay” person for the other.
That seemed like a good reason to me, and doesn’t make anyone the bad guy, just incompatibility. He definitely still respects her as a human and as the mother of his kid, they get along well. And she does seem like a kick ass woman. As far as I can tell they’re both high value people, just would be better as business partners (don’t worry they aren’t lol) than married.
Some reasons a woman might break up with a good man: 1) She makes considerably more money than him and he is not very driven to succeed in traditional senses of the word, like he’s not a provider. 2) He is still in love with a woman who died in the 1980, 90s etc. This is very much a thing. 3) She originally married him just to have a nuclear family for having kids, but over time the attraction went away and now she wants to find a man who makes her shiver with delight while enjoying 50/50 custody of school age/older kids.
However I also strongly feel that mothers of very young children like ages <6 do not leave good men. This is a distinction to watch out for. If a mother left a man when any of their children were toddlers/infants then seriously RUN!
I don't consider the last two of your green flags green flags. Especially the third one LVMs like to use, I consider it a red flag. Once a scrote always a scrote. Character doesn't change.
It's possible to want different things in life there for making relationship obsolete. But you would need to spend a lot of time with someone to make your judgement, you can't just ask why did your relationship break and expect sufficient information in reply.
Not every hvm is right for every woman. Even if he’s high-value, there are still a lot of reasons why he might have been incompatible with his ex. I would stay away from anyone who badmouths his ex (I don’t care if she was the worst person in the world, bringing it up on a date is is a sign of emotional immaturity), anyone who seems like he’s not over his ex (wants to talk about her beyond a “we just weren't compatible, and decided it would be best to break up”), or tries to get sympathy from you by talking about how sad he was when his ex left him (he’s a crybaby, and he‘s also probably the reason she left).
They lie or answer vaguely "we went out separate ways".
They won't say the truth.
What if he said that she cheated and stole from him?