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I don't believe most rapists fit the "violent and forceful" stereotypes.
Most rapists nowadays are aware that theres consequences for rape. Being an overt sexual predator isn't something a man wants to be labeled.
Rapists are a lot more sneaky and smart. Instead of force they'll use much more passive aggressive tactics.
Examples:
Guilt tripping/whining/sulking (Usually directed at women with high levels of empathy and weak boundaries) Example in media: https://youtu.be/nQYSDOrO5c0
Woman consents to x but then the rapist does something else without warning
Reciprocity bias: doing something nice for a woman then attempting to lead a woman down a sexual path
Weaponized incompetence: Pretends he can't hear a woman's no's or read a woman's body language, even if tears are coming out of her eyes
The malicious gaslighty fake therapist: Uses psychology language to make a woman feel like something is mentally wrong with her if she doesn't do what he wants or acts like sex is "exposure therapy" This is commonly used against women that opened up about their previous trauma/mental illnesses.
Threatening to break up with a woman if she doesn't have sex, even if she doesn't want to. (Commonly used on financially dependent woman)
Men trying to frame their abusive behaviors as "flattering" saying stuff like "I'm sorry you're just so attractive I can't keep my hands off you." (Commonly used on insecure women or women with body dysmorphia)
Pretending to be socially inept or exaggerating their disability. Ignoring social cues/signs of discomfort
Hoping for a freeze fear response so his rape "doesn't count" because the woman didn't fight back or say no
Gradual desensitization/grooming seeing what he can get away with before the woman's fights back. Starts at a shoulder touch/sexual jokes then gradually escalates. Hoping for a people pleasing woman who fears confrontation Example 2: https://youtu.be/m7VMY8aZHVk
Gaslights a woman into thinking she wants it/projecting
Threatening suicide or acts like he's literally dying because he's not getting sex. "Blue balls"
Violent towards objects in front of the women to intimidate her
Using isolation (like being on a boat, a broken elevator, being stranded on the side of the road, vacations, no transportation, no phone ect.) and "asking" for sex. Example 3: https://youtu.be/-yUafzOXHPE
Using Alcohol/weed/other substances to lower a woman's ability to judge a situation or assert herself
Negging, jabs at self esteem, making the women feel like she'll never find love unless she does xyz
"Oh I get it, I guess you're just like everyone else. I thought you were different."
Cold shoulder. Withholding non sexual affection until the woman does what he wants
Future faking/withholding informed consent "I know you want to wait until your wedding night but we're gonna get married anyway so why not have sex now?"
Begging for extremely long periods of time until the woman becomes emotionally exhausted or scared Example 4: https://youtu.be/MVnBZban9iI
Asking for/taking naked pictures then using that blackmail against her to make her feel like shes walking on eggshells or cant say no example 5: https://youtu.be/CEivufW2IWs
Uses their position of power to intimidate a woman. (Being their boss, parent, doctor or a celebrity ect) Also age gaps.
Seeks woman that look up to him or put him on a pedestal.
Asks why the woman is saying no. Acting like the word no means "convince me" and tries to "debate" the woman on why her reasoning is "illogical" and claims hes acting like this to "communicate" or "compromise" because "ThAtS HoW hEaLtHy LoNg LaStInG 🎩ReLatIOnShIpS WoRk" 🤡 m'lady
Toddler like tantrums
Stealthing (removing the condom in the middle of sex)
Seeking women that are less likely to be believed and women that are less likely to report. (Women with criminal histories, prostitutes,, Women with an unreliable social circle, homeless women, mentally ill women, disabled women, financially struggling women that can't afford a lawyer, women that are addicted to drugs ect.)
How rapists act after the assult happened
Blames the woman. "Well you should have been more clear"
Acts apologetic and comforts the woman in an attempt to create a trauma bond/induce Stockholm syndrome
Acts like nothing happened/downplays the situation and continues the day as if it was normal in an attempt to make the woman feel crazy for being upset.
Tries to elicit sympathy/trauma dumps
Compliments the woman if she has a low self esteem to flatter her. "Ugh that was the best sex I ever had in my life I love you so much"
Offers bribes "Hey you want to go shopping? I'll buy you whatever you want" (basically shut up money to weaponize against the woman later) Commonly used on financially struggling women.
"I'm sorry I was just trying to be spontaneous. It's romantic."
(Most common if you call him out and don't buy the manipulation tactics) "What?!! You actually think that about me?! I thought you loved me!!! Why would you make such false accusations?! Are you trying to ruin my life? Are you freaking crazy? Wow you think you know a person.... fine I'll leave you alone I guess?" (Similar reaction Lundy bancroft got from abusers when confronted)
"Well that's what "communication" is for."
"Sorry I didnt hear you say no. Speak louder next time"
"If you say anything I'll tell everyone you're a slut and they'll believe me over you because I have your pictures"
"You need to stop being so dramatic it's not that big of a deal. It's not like I was violent or actually physically forced you to do anything"
"It was your idea wasn't it? Maybe you shouldn't give mixed signals"
"If you report me I'll commit suicide and blame it on you"
Threatens or implies violence in casual conversation
"Rewards" the woman with the non sexual affection that she was actually hoping for. "Let's watch the movie you wanted to show me and cuddle on the couch like we planned teehee got a little carried away there now didn't we?" 🤮
Questions why the woman looks so sad/angry but hopes the woman will make a different cover up excuse out of fear
Begs the woman to not ruin his life over a "misunderstanding"
"Allows" the woman to shower/brush her teeth afterwards basically washing away most of or all of the evidence.
This is just what I noticed. Most rapists are so manipulative, cowardly, pathetic and passive aggressive. It frustrates me so much.
This is why so many victims of rape blame themselves and feel confused afterwards.
Rapists are very crafty and smart. They know exactly what they're doing. Rapists are aware they can control a woman significantly more with mind games than they could with physical force. Especially if the woman is naive, inexperienced, self critical and has no support network.
I mean how many women with "high body counts" are actually just women who were repeatedly raped but were brainwashed into thinking they weren't? I feel like a lot.
I feel like if we actually took these abusive tactics into account we could confirm that the number of rapists is way higher than society thinks.
All men do these. I have never dated a man who did not do at least one of these. They do something nasty on purpose then pretend they didn't know, when everyone knows they're pretending and using plausible deniability, and they know everyone knows. It is such a little bitch move. When I encounter men doing this at work, at school, at a business, or anywhere, I know he's a rapist. All men do this.
Of course the number of rapists is way higher (and the majority of men commited rape one way or another) than the statistics show because the kinds of rape you describe are pretty much impossible to prove even if a woman decides to report them, so the cases never get prosecuted and the rapists never get sentenced. There is simply no evidence that you can use in court. These situations are classic "he said she said"s. No physically evidence of violence being used, no video evidence if consent to that specific act was actually freely given. Nothing.
It's the result of millennia of men telling each other that they are entitled to sex and it is their god-given right and women -especially their wives- refusing to give it to them is actually violence against poor, poor men being deprived of their human right. In Germany - a supposedly modern, western country where women are considered equals - it was not a felony to rape your wife until 1997. You read that right. Rape was illegal unless it was you own wife you were raping. Then it was fine.
This is a great post. At the same time, it hurts my heart to think of how much garbage you had to go through in order to know all these things. Thank you for spinning this straw into gold for us.
This post is handbook material. Thank you! And yes, I do think nowadays most rapists are taking the passive aggressive route.
The smarter and more civilized abusers will definitely use emotional and verbal violence much more than physical violence. You've listed it all out very well (and describes my ex to a T. He did nearly all of this). It's a myth that all rapists are luring in a dark alley waiting to overwhelm you on your way home, most of them are men you've known for a while who are good at manipulation and cultivating a "harmless" image.
From what I've seen "wearing someone down" is considered ordinary interaction by a lot of people (yeah even women, because sometimes we just dont know better when majority of people said the opposite). It's always deemed as "she agreed anyway", "she should take responsibility". It's heartbreaking and concerning
This list is incredibly thorough, and exactly right. It’s why most women are raped by a man she already knows - these manipulation and coercion tactics are more effective when used by an acquaintance, “friend”, or boyfriend.
Yes. Most rapes and SA occurs by/from a man who was already known to the victim. It may even be someone she considers a 'friend', someone in her friend group, family, a colleague, or a love interest. It's not the 'stranger danger' archetype, and yes, often involves covert manipulation.
And re your last line, yes, this is rape culture. But apprently it 'doesn't exist'.
IME, you are correct.
Have any of you noticed, the tactics that don't work on you all get tried until they think they found one that sticks? Early dating is mostly just lvm/nvm learning your buttons to how best manipulate you--not just for sex, though that is up there in most egregious--but also: free labor, free chores, how much will you buy them, how many of their lies will you believe (negging, future-faking, etc), whether we have low self-esteem or are more self-assured (do they insult you with over-flattery or attempt to appeal to your 'wisdom,' etc), how strong are our boundaries, will we outright negotiate, and on and on and on.
It gets really ugly when it devolves into outright, unmasked bartering for sex. This is what happens when your boundaries are intact, and they become aghast that none of their tricks will work after several years of trying (acquaintances that I cannot always avoid in group situations NOT dates or relationships. In case anyone was worried).
They do this for everything. Once you start to see it, you cannot unsee it. Dating becomes the ick.
oh
my
god
this is all so accurate, so depressing and more than one thing in those lists have definitely happend to me more than once. i feel like crying right now. we are so vunerable to these sadists. i fucken haaate men. i haaaaaate them. i want them to be as far from me as possible. they are the personification of all the evil in the whole world.
the guy i lost my virginity to used projection, 'blue balls' and took advantage of my naivite, my freeze response... the last guy i gave a chance to used the 'misunderstanding' thing after i consented to x and he did y... there's so much we go through at the hands of these males that it just proves to me they are all predators and we are the prey. it's frightening and revolting. i want to burn everything!
THIS WHOLE POST NEEDS TO BE IN THE HANDBOOK. @MODS YOU NEED TO ADD THIS VITAL INFORMATION. YOU ARE DOING LIFESAVING WORK OP. 🩷
They absolutely know what they’re doing. When I was 17 I was in a very awful relationship with a man (he was 24) who guilted me into sex, and would whine until I would tell him to get it over with. He had 128 tiles on his ceiling.
When I got pregnant, he said to me, “I hope it wasn’t one of THOSE times.”
They know.
I was just listening to a podcast with Gavin de Becker - the gift of fear guy- and he said that there are two types of predatory men 1. Persuasion predators and 2. Force predators. In his experience, most are persuasion predators and will not resort to force unless they are sure of both privacy and control. It’s too risky. I think this would fit your description perfectly.
https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-jordan-harbinger-show/id1344999619?i=1000469324043
Men these days complain that you can't have se x anymore with women because you 'never know how they'll react'.
Maybe stop raping them and then you'll have nothing to worry about. It's very simple.
I wish I had this list at 16 😕