An important way scrotes trap you and how to overcome it. [Concept of fusioned vs. differentiated people]

Old repost from r/FemaleDatingStrategy by u/vee_aye_aye_aye

*****I want to bring up a topic that I haven't seen discussed here before. directly though I have seen other women talk about things related to it indirectly. 

That of emotional fusion and differentiation.

The concept of emotional fusion can be defined as a way of relating to others that submerges the self, creating a sense of oneness within a group while denying the identity and autonomy of the individuals in the group. 

It often starts with the family. 

Fusion is a way of relating between people who do not have a strong sense of self. Largely unconscious, it avoids the anxiety of feeling separate. Fusion exists in families, both extended and nuclear, in groups, and in pairs (especially intensely in marital pairs or parent-child pairs.) 

When optimal relational development has occurred, separation anxiety has been mostly resolved allowing flexible connection with moments of intense closeness and moments of secure separateness. This opposite of fusion has the name differentiation.

What effects does it have?

Participants believe, and often are openly told by the others, that they are there to meet the needs of the others. While healthy human groups and families do care for individual members in need generally, turning it into a rule produces a distortion in which neediness becomes power.In a fused relationship, each participant believes they are compelled by the feelings (especially 'negative ones') and vulnerabilities of the other. This results first, in a great deal of compliant caretaking behavior that can't be sustained, second in a great deal of repression of anger and resentment, and third, when the first two strategies become unbearable, the feelings of the others are disputed and invalidated. It doesn't occur to participants that they can listen, acknowledge, but not 'obey.'

It is considered a real 'crime' to do or say anything that upsets another member. The most anxious or constricted family member dictates the ceiling of freedom of action or freedom of expression

(I combined the above to make it easier for me due to being on mobile). 

One thing not mentioned in this article is how often the mental load falls on women. So quite often women will be in the caretaking role in a fused family and since fusion is self perpetuating, they often move from family to a LVM. 

The kind of LVM that benefits from fusion is fundamentally insecure. The anxious one that needs to check your phone. Needs constant reassurance he hasnt done something wrong.

As in the description above your feelings become up for debate. They are disputed and debated because you have committed the transgression of daring to upset the LVM. The problem is that you dare have needs, though of course they don't see it that way.

There is a way out of this though: 

There is a de facto line between insiders and outsiders. Members do not relate to outsiders the same way as insiders. Being a romantic interest however immediately makes one an insider. However, very differentiated people will not seem attractive to fusion-prone people.

Fusion is tribal and in being tribal perpetuates isolation of the fused members in the group. He has no friends. He doesn't allow you to have any friends. Your family is suspicious of outsiders. You are suspicious of outsiders. 

But take note of the last line. That differentiated people are NOT attractive to fusion prone people. Independent people with a good sense of self are differentiated. 

There can't be true closeness with emotional fusion, but true and healthy emotional intimacy happens only between those who are differentiated. 

Why then, do many scrotes try to induce emotional fusion? 

Because many people have grown up in fused families they come to expect fused relationships. Scrotes rarely change and are rarely willing to do the work to develop a good sense of self. The mommy/bangmaid who never complains and quietly keeps their resentments to themselves is perfect for them. 

In this situation scrotes often weaponize their emotional volatility. They're anxious! They're angry! 

The weaponization of emotional volatility is unfortunately what many people believe is "passion". 

False. 

Its simply a tool to punish you for daring to assert your sense of self. 

There is a 'war' against true autonomy. If any member acts truly differently, he or she is deemed crazy or bad, and strong united pressure is borne on him or her to change back.

This is in the context of a family, but  fusion perpetuates from families into adulthood, so women come to expect these behaviours and may even not find differentiated men attractive, vice versa goes for scrotes except due to female socialization to be the caretaker and the patriarchy the person who obviously benefits the most from this... is the scrote. 

So how does one overcome emotional fusion?

By making an effort to differentiate the self from the other. Many of FDS's tactics cultivate differentiation (like Block and Delete, awareness of dread game, "If he wanted to he would"). 

But what is it really?

Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of defining self, revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation. 

LVM hate women with self awareness and a strong sense of self because through a strong sense of self, then your boundaries will matter to you.

My sources used (please read to familiarize yourself with the other signs of emotional fusion

(Note, this stuff doesn't really apply to narcissists, Samsel has another article on that):

https://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Couples/fusion.html

https://counselling-marriage.com/differentiation/

Essential reading:

https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/is-it-love-or-emotional-fusion/

https://www.clinical-psychology-associates.com/the-process-of-creating-a-self/?amp=1

*****