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Straight from the horses mouth. If you've read Lundy Bancrofts "Why Does He Do That?" You already know these things. For the fdsers who haven't, this article is short and sweet.
Like babies fake crying to get mommys attention. They never grew out of it. This article helped to remind me that I have never, and will never, regret rejecting a man. I have my reasons. (Safety and sanity)
The last guy I rejected, I rejected for "small" reasons. - is a techy nerdy guy. - took psychology. - has depression. (Was also balding/hatfished me. Was also seemingly disappointed that I'm older than he thought)
The guy before him? Was unreasonably pissy (towards me, of course) that our work schedules didnt align and it was hard to meet me. He also had a child that he didn't mention. I had the opportunity to meet him, but he had already been passive aggressive towards me, so I just blocked him and enjoyed my day off work.
And the man before that was the hoarder who told me "I have no idea why my ex broke up with me" as I sat there, horrified by his nest. This man was thirty years old at the time and still had clothing from highschool. (Ah so thats why his shirts and pants were a bit too short and silly looking. Lol) He also stated his ex must have cheated on him. (She couldn't have possibly dumped him for the hoarding, alcoholism, dead tooth and awful foreplay. Nay nay.)
I have my reasons and those reasons could kill me.
My only advice right now to women is that if you think he is negging you - yes. He is negging you.
If you think he is triangulating you with other women - yes, he is indeed triangulating you. And its incredibly, disappointingly common from men of all ages.
Theres a running joke about an old pervy man at my work, who triangulates like crazy. "Dont hang out with mike or else he will tell everyone how he rejected you!"
What was your last "small" reason for rejecting a potential date?
I am always telling women they should be angrier about what is happening to them but since they put their hope and humanity on a piece of garbage, they usually distance from me instead. Men KNOW what they are doing! They KNOW you are hurting! They KNOW you wont walk away! And if you do they have Pickme Tinder for all his situationship needs.
My response isn't to your question but to the article you posted. It's interesting that the therapist realized all the tools he was teaching the men in his abuse group were getting twisted into new & better ways to abuse their partners. The short time that I took my husband to therapy went exactly like this. He learned from the therapist and just used that to try to manipulate me better. But he was not very smart because I saw what he was doing. When the therapist asked me if we thought it was working if anything had changed we had opposite answers. He said yes he thought it was working. He was delighted to get a new set of tools. I said no it was not only not working but he was using the therapy to manipulate me even more. He blew up and expressed a lot of anger at that. He ranted for the rest of the session. He really thought he had this in the bag. He blew up so bad it scared the therapist, who was a male. That same week, I filed for divorce absolutely certain it was the right thing to do.
In the years since then, I have rejected men for very small things. I usually forget it quickly. One might complain about their ex being crazy or lying. Even if it's true I don't want to go there and find out why. Crazy ex stories are 90% the man lying, 10% the man telling the truth, and his ex is so crazy you don't want to go near him. Other reasons: Bad dental hygiene, ugly old t-shirt, too favorable to a political media outlet, too obsessed with an entertainment medium that is a cloak for porn addiction, too nerdy, abruptly talks about sex, to recently divorced or broke up, moving away soon, inconsistent jobs, makes a potentially racists or sexist comment, eats a lot of junk food, obsessed with guns, seems dumb...
I had a brief foray into online dating but had some absurd experiences.
1. The guy who before I had time to reject his coffee date clarified, “you have to earn a meal.”
2. The guy who seemed perfectly normal as we set up a date but then sought to clarify that I wasn’t “scared of intimacy” because he’d previously travelled to see a woman and she’d not slept with him.
3. The guy that boasted he was so big that he could “self suck.”
They were the experiences that saw me run away screaming. All were within a few days.
What?!!! I’m a successful woman in her forties. What was all that about? To a woman in her twenties it’d be unforgivably rude but to a woman my age it was just bizarre.
I say no to walks. I find empty handed dates one of the worst disrespect.
Had a pleasant enough first date with a seemingly HVM from OLD this week, but he failed to ask for my phone number afterward (even after messaging me again on the app to ask me out again) which gave me the idea he's just not interested enough. I was also surprised to find out he was shorter than me on our date (rare because I'm only 5'5", so not super tall) so I wasn't really attracted to him. Turned him down for a second date for those reasons. Had he been taller than me, maybe I'd give it one more date (and maybe he'd get my number after I accepted a second date?) to see if he showed more interest.
One of FDS podcasts explicitly states that it is largely beneficial for men to abuse women, not listen to them or use them
Girl these are not small reasons. You have rejected these men for MASSIVELY MASSIVELY problematic reasons on their part. Small reasons would be like if he was late more than once for a date. The irony and audacity of these fucking men. He was disappointed by your age yet he was a balding hatfisher with depression??? I love the word hatfisher by the way. It has me in fits of giggles 😂
This article made my stomach churn into knots. Many of the benefits these males listed, I've been through.