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TL;DR version: Friend has been complaining for over 10 years about her lazy, lying, unfaithful MRA husband but won't leave him and puts more blame on his former affair partner/baby mama than him.
My friend and I have known each other since grade school. We had turbulent teen years together. We both matured in our 20s and grew closer and our relationship is healthier than ever. I've been there for the birth of her kids (including them getting custody of his bioo daughter/her stepdaughter) and am like their aunt more than some of their actual aunts are. I'm not a fan of her husband at all, but I could get along with him.i should note also that I moved to another country 2 years ago but we text often, tag each other on social media all the time, and do calls sometimes.
One consistency in her marriage is how awful her husband is. They dated in high school and married some years later when she became pregnant, and they've been married for over a decade now. Even when they were dating in high school, she would complain about his annoying habits or things he says. She complains to me about his MRA/right wing beliefs. Worst of all, throughout their marriage and even before, he was always unfaithful. Either flirting with other women or sleeping with them- usually his bio daughter's baby mama he insists he doesn't like. I feel bad for her and try to support and validate her to let her know she deserves better. I will never forget how she called him and "emotional terrorist" because his lying and gaslighting was driving her crazy. She's made it clear she's not afraid of him or anything and there's no abuse that she's told me of.
We've talked about divorce before. She made it sound like she was thinking about it after she gets her degree (which she's getting close to getting!! I'm very proud of her! 😄) but now she never talks about it and seems to have forgotten it entirely or given that idea up. She regularly posts cute pics showing what a happy family they are but then vents to me about his frustrating her family is. It's confusing. I've never known her to be dishonest, but at the same time I don't think she's intentionally being so; it seems like she gets over their bad behavior just as quickly as she gets frustrated with it.
I'll give her credit though, lately she's been complaining about him less and his baby mama and her stepdaughter's behavioral issues more. I tried to suggest that none of this would be her problem if not for her husband dragging this woman into her life by having affairs with her and generally enabling her disrespectful behavior towards my friend (she's often tried to pick fights or turn the stepdaughter against her), but I don't think she wanted to hear that. I understand it's easier for some women to blame the stepkid's bio parent- especially when infidelity is involved like this- but I don't know how she can get mad at him for every other issue EXCEPT this one that's at least partly his fault.
I just don't know how to respond to hearing the same issues over and over again. The common denominator is THIS MAN! He doesn't help with chores as much as he could (and I get he has a physically tiring job... but when my friend worked in a factory, SHE managed to cook and clean for them). His politics aggravate her. He seems to be done cheating but who knows if that's for real. He complains that fathers get the raw end of the deal in court but won't even deal with her bio daughter's behavior or what a bully her mother is, even though as custodial parent HE holds all the cards and has his wife's full support. (In fact, she was the one who did the work of helping him get custody.)
If you read all that, thank you lol. I don't want to be a bad friend to be tired of this but this has gone on for over 10 years. I don't know how to support situations that people won't change. If something is bothering me, I'll try to change it. If I can't, I just try to find meaningful ways to cope.
Assuming that you want to continue your friendship and be there for her the best that you can. It would be helpful to draw some clear boundaries. Basically a "Look, I love you...but you already know what I think you should do about (insert scrote name here) and it's absolutely your prerogative not to take my advice. If you're resigned to just dealing with him till you die though, can we just talk about something else?" It may sound a little harsh but real friends set you straight when you're not acting right 🤷♀️
what do you do in that situation? you let her complain and then change the subject so you don't have to endure it. let life teach her.
10 years? I would detach from the friendship. It's very hard and emotionally taxing to watch your friends continue to make awful choices like this.
I would honestly make room for better friends. It sounds like you were "past a point" a long time ago. Why not honour that in yourself instead of fighting the natural process of outgrowing all of this and make the space for better things in your life?
Redpill advice that will lose the friend: tell her you aren't a dumping ground so that she can trauma dump on you to protect her male supremacist marriage.
Neutral approach that keeps friendship: mention casually that your life is free of those problems and that you're single, but then laugh it off so she gets the idea without getting mad.
Friendly approach that sacrifices your energy, but keeps the friendship the way it is going and makes her emotionally dependent on you instead of her SO: keep absorbing the negative energy from her marriage that HE should be dealing with.