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We were in undergrad together and she was my neighbor. When you think of the types of HVW you want in your life, it was absolutely her you are picturing.
I remember she used to send guys out of her apartment (who thought they were about to get laid) if they couldn't present her with recent STD papers. I still remember their faces when they realized she was serious. 😂
I remember she cooked beautiful homemade soups and would walk them over to share with me at my place. Her teeny tiny apartment was full of books she was reading and paintings that she was working on. She did trail running and yoga and took extra great care of herself. I remember she took me on a trail run one morning at 7 am and I almost died doing it. We literally ran directly up a mountain.
When I kept pursuing feminism and when I made hard choices in my life, I always had her in the back of my mind. Her endless stream of hobbies and interests and insisting on moving to her own beat always inspired me and stuck with me.
Tonight we met up for the first time in 17 years. It was so fun to see her. It felt like nothing has changed and I love her to death, but something she told me and something I saw previously to her saying it.... was that she gave up all of her hobbies once she got married. I really can't believe that. It's kind of heart wrenching because she was one of the biggest reasons why I always made sure to maintain a robust array of hobbies and not let a 9-5 rule my life. Her husband went to school for art and is constantly creating and working... so she said she just stopped painting because of that. They work in the same field and although they job hop a lot, they often end up working in the same place. I almost can't tell one from the other. Both intelligent, both love art and music, both doing the same job, except the husband is the only one who kept pursuing his creativity and interests.
She still trail runs but she does it with her husband. No biggie there, but even a girl at work today yapped on about trail running with her husband. My friend is doing her first marathon because her husband has done lots of them. I understand love and sharing experiences, but why do women think we need to be attached at the hip with a man in everything we or they do? I never want my relationship to look like that. I want us to have hobbies outside of each other. Different social groups. So many women I know, including just at work, revolve their lives around their husband. But it's like okay, sis, but who are you outside of this man??? It is my biggest fear to be erased like this when involved in a relationship... to mold more to who the man is and to lose the things that make me ME.
Her man seems fine and she seems happy and healthy, but I'm just saddened to see that she gave up the best parts of herself.
She moved to a small town after college and she said the religious undertone of the town made her feel pressured to marry the guy she was dating, her now husband. I just find it weird she let randoms and their random religion pressure her like this. On one hand she is so amazing, but on the other it's like what? You let strangers pressure you to do what?
It's just odd that I kept her in the back of my mind all of these years to push myself to be HV and make HV choices, keep pursuing my interests, and she just kind of... succumbed to the world and became a side note to the man she married.
All idols must fall, I guess.
In the end, it's ourselves we need to idolize and it is ourselves who make the smart decisions along the way.
Tonight my friend is in a city 15 hours away from her home that she and her husband drove to in order to see a band. She's eating psychedelics at 43 years old. These were the things we did at 21 and 22 years old. It's a stage I've outgrown and I'm just surprised that she is still doing it if even only just this week on her vacation.
I can't help but wonder what her full potential would have looked like...
And I guess it's just another push for me to not get lazy and to keep growing with leveling up. I'm 39 and I feel like I am just getting started... and no matter who I date, we will have separate hobbies, separate friends, and my discussions at work won't always begin with, "My husband and I...." If I have a husband, it will take people a long time to even notice or figure it out.
Even if in a relationship, even if I'm married, I want to live and die as an autonomous being.
I want to live and die as a full person, instead of as a sidenote to a man.
Women sacrifice their identity, soul and life in marriage. It’s a slavery contract for life really. Men look at their wives as a retirement plan, because they need someone to take care of them in old age.
What a story. Thank you for sharing.
Peer pressure ( and societal - for women) is real.