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My mom was a Vietnamese refugee after the war, so she’s been through a lot. She also had her first kid at 20 years old and sacrificed much of her mental health to stay with my dad for 20+ years. Fortunately, she left him a few years ago and has been better since.
She told me a story though today about her friend that made me cringe extremely hard.
She said her friend hired two strippers for her husband’s birthday party…
I visibly cringed and said yikes… she said, “I know. I would never be okay with it too. But she seemed cool with it I guess.”
Cue me trying to articulate what “cool girl” from the gone girl monologue teaches about being a pick me.
My mom seemed to halfway understand, but not entirely…
She tried to excuse him accepting it because “it was a surprise” and “there were people there watching”. But I shook my head in disagreement because I don’t think a hvm should have accepted it when he saw what was planned. The fact that her friend planned this at all is a sign she knows or thinks her husband enjoys this kind of disrespect…
I tried to tell her a cool girl / pick me is someone who does whatever the guy likes - at the cost of our own mental health. And that real good men don’t want to treat their women that way.
She tried to belittle the problem a bit by saying the strippers were in cop outfits and it was only 10-15 minutes…she said she found it funny.
It just makes me sad that strip clubs and men ogling at women is so normalized that my mom is uncomfortable, but feels wrong to point it out.
She’s 54 and I’m 23 if that helps. She’s the world to me and lowkey, I don’t want her to have friends who are pick me women.
I also think she is fooling herself to believe her friend genuinely loves having a husband who likes strippers as a gift...
I needed some reassurance that I'm not crazy too since my mom didn't understand what a pick-me is. Is it wrong that I think of her friend that way ?
I might just be projecting but whenever I've had discussions with my mom about stuff like this and she's had the sort of response your mom has weeks later if the topic comes up she'll have magically adopted my view. People need time to mull mind blowing shit like FDS over and unless they're actively resisting it (e.g. getting offended over you being cruel to men, some shit about "equal partnerships" etc.) they're probably going to be convinced. The thought just needs to percolate privately with them for a bit.
I don't think is wrong. I think it's great that you two can have such a conversation, despite the cultural and generarional divide. Don't take this for granted!
I think your mom kicks ass as she left her husband and also said she wouldn't be ok with the stripper thing. So I don't think a pickmeish friend will have that much influence over her. She probably values this friendship for other reasons (it isn't easy to make friends as an adult), and is just trying not to judge her friend too much. But she seems the kind of woman who knows her values. In my experience, older generations tend to be more tolerant to the flaws of friends and family, which can be both a good and a bad thing.
Why don't you try to explain to her why not being a pickme is important to you and what does it mean to you? I'm sure if you take the focus off her friend, she will get it.
My mum is generally ok but she told me I was harsh when I made a comment while dating my boyfriend about him just being a boyfriend. She said you're either committed or you're not and you don't have to be married.
When my sister-in-law asked why we broke up, I gave a brief overview and she interrupted when I said I felt somewhat guilty to say, " but you weren't married. I never heard you make vows. Surely this was the stage when you were deciding whether to marry him? This was him on best behaviour?" My mum looked a little sheepish as my brother just nodded.
The thing is, I fully expect my mum to say similar things in the future. My SIL was just so clear in her words and her expression carried such convinction. I have to remember that I found FDS a bit much at first.
you are NOT CRAZY. people will call you many things in your life, including crazy. ignore them.
you are still figuring out who you are, but you know what? you have amazing instincts that haven't yet entirely been conditioned by society. trust your instincts. if something resonates with you, nourish it.
and if something makes you cringe, stay away from it...that is your gut protecting you from danger.
i wish i knew as much as you did when i was 23. 👑