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I'm just starting to realize this since I've been on both sides of the coin. I have a family friend who was pursuing me seriously met right away and he already was talking engagement - from the same culture and everything and it felt so romantic and I felt like he liked me for me. Randomly one day at work, I was approached by a girl who is not from our culture who asked me if I knew him. Perfectly beautiful and smart and nice but she just wasn't from our culture which means that his family won't approve. She then proceeded to tell me how she is in a situation ship with this guy and he was distancing himself lately the minute he met me but still stringing her along in case it didn't work. One day she invited us both for lunch and I could see how familiar he was with her and idk why this just rubbed me the wrong way - like here I thought this guy was genuinely into me but no turns out he's just interested in me because he sees all girls as objects but im the one his object family would approve of so that's why he magically takes me more seriously than everyone else.
I also recently dated someone who wouldn't stop talking about how someone with my career would be helpful to join his familybusiness and I also kind of just had the feeling he wasn't really trying to get to know me - any girl would do - but I was a convinient option for marriage for him. Just rubbed me the wrong way he wasn't even trying to gauge compatibility.
It's so disheartening lol. I've been on the other side too where a guy strung me along and then ended up marrying someone from his culture. It just kills the romance entirely for me ugh. Like I also have standards too but the difference is I want someone I genuinely connect with and who fulfills me spiritually and emotionally in a way no one else can.
Yes. This is a very strong pattern of behavior I’ve observed as well. The love/romance ideal was a patriarchal scam proliferated to entice women into overlooking their best interests, while men are ruthlessly about self interest, not based on notions of love and romance. Men marry women that are closest to the fantasy life they want, not necessarily women they love.
I agree. I've seen this with men I've dated. There was one recently who had clearly "caught feelings" but shut it down, I believe, in part because I don't meet his checklist of what would impress his family, friends, and colleagues. It's a particularly bad feeling to know your feelings are reciprocated but you don't make the cut because you don't have certain superficial features (in my case, speaking multiple languages, being more broadly travelled, having an Ivy League degree, being in the right circles, being 5-10 years younger). It's approached like buying a car. People who do this end up miserable and divorced. Rejection is protection though: I'm fairly certain no one would be good enough for him or his family and would be subject to constant criticism.
Men are absolutely strategic about this, and here's the kicker- he doesn't pick women with his heart, but with social criteria and traditions, customs, and old childhood wounds in mind to select the perfect woman to be crowned as his wife. Whenever I would ask women for fun what they are looking for in an ideal husband, they always tell me some variation of, "Oh, he has to be tall and handsome of course, but I also need him to be my very best friend and confidant. I want someone I can get along with, someone I can trust to be there for me when the going gets rough, etc."
And sure, compatibility is important to these women, but in my experience within my own behaviors and the behaviors of other women, we seem to be able to fall in love with men who aren't ideal or are missing some traits inside our list of the perfect non-existent man. I mean, why do you think there's so many ugly moid + beautiful woman couples together?
When men think about the woman he would one day propose to, it is much less romantic and loving and extremely hard on the pragmatics. She needs to be exactly from his culture and religious practice. She has to be of a certain height, weight, body shape, and bra size to impress his friends and family. If he's a raging sexist and traditional, she must have her hymen intact upon meeting him. She must have the same exact school of thought that he does, because his friends and family would lose their shit if he comes home with a woman who loves him but has a mind of her own. Some men might vary with this list, some men marry women from other countries for example, but it's usually because he's a conservative misogynist and feels at home within countries that also practices raging misogyny.
Sad thing is, this is why there's so many unhappy hubbies out there and so many married men cheating on their otherwise perfect wives who was chosen based on her succeeding on his criteria. The punchline is that they almost always cheat on their wives with women who are the direct opposite of her, and with women he would have married had he not listened to society and his friends + family about who he should shack up with. (Affairs with old college girlfriends that his mother loathed being a classic example.)
“I’m the one object his family would approve of…” GAH that triangulation! All 3 of you at lunch? Damn. Stone cold disrespectful right there! Of course it rubbed you the wrong way. Glad you didn’t settle for that and are holding out for someone legitimately in love with and completely head over heels for you!
My ex always pushed me to succeed, and I thought that was kinda nice and supportive. But now when I think about it, he thought I was very loyal to him, only if I was a little bit more succesful... He admitted more than once that he would love to be a stay at home dad.
extreme amount of posts on Reddit about 28yo guys hooking up with barely legal college freshmen girls and calling them "annoying,immature, not gf material" yet keeping them around for sex comes to mind...
You're spot on with your title. And yeah it is disheartening. I've been mostly in the other category, men who are clearly attracted on multiple level but who shut whatever they feel down because I don't fit the criteria, since I've been dating outside my race most of my life. Of course it has not always been the case. You need a rock solid self esteem to face these experiences. But that is the harsh cold reality. Most of them are LV so ultimately, not a big loss and I pity their partner who actually believe they married them for love.
These kind of men see 'wife' and 'lover' as separate. They will pick a 'wife' according to their family and cultural standards, to bear children, look after the house etc. purely for practical functions. They don't have to love her or desire her. After marriage they will find a woman that they will keep as a 'lover', for romantic and sexual purposes. In some cultures this is a known and common practice.
If you're looking for love, get a dog or have a child. Because men are not capable of the Disney/Hollywood love we've been presented. They're cold, calculating, and will marry the girl who raises their status the most. That's why they hate female gold diggers; they're just as cold and as utilitarian as men are. My ex husband married me because he felt he was getting old, I was tall and he wasn't so his sons would be tall, and I was a moral woman who didn't cheat. But he didn't love me or anything that made me different and special. He stood in the way of my dreams like the All Army Volleyball Team and my opera singing. He hated to see me happy, because I was supposed to live my life for him. Well, you gotta act just like men do. Use them for their utility. Men only talk about love when you're all about their money. That's because most girls want love and come at men with loving intentions. The girl who doesn't do that is the challenge for him to win over. Be the challenge, or you're always be the doormat.