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My ex and I were in a relationship for 5 years, living together for 4 years. A year into our relationship when we moved in together, the sex declined significantly. I was doing all the initiating and often I was rejected, and when I wasn't, he reluctantly acquiesced. For years we were trying to work on the supossed underlying issues affecting the sex in our relationship. But now that it is over, and with some outside perspective I have realized that not only did he shut me out physically, but more so, he shut me out emotionally. It was really damaging and I am working on moving on.
I just bought my own condo (go me!) and I'm really excited to move in. The big hangup I'm having is that I found out through mutual friends that less than two months after we broke up he started seeing someone new. We were still in our lease together so my stuff was still in the apartment (I had been staying with friends). And I still had a key to the apartment. I went a bit off the rails and went and read all his text messages when he wasn't home because 1) good old-fashioned hurt and jealousy 2) my need to know if this had been going on while we were together. Luckily it wasn't, but I still found out that he had sex with this new girl ON MY BED. THE BED THAT I AM MOVING INTO MY NEW PLACE.
Clearly I still have a lot of anger around this situation and in order to sleep in my bed and not feel angry and dirty with obsessive thoughts of the two of them in my head, I had a friend suggest a sage burning ritual. I am definitely not woo-woo like this but for some reason it made me feel better. Does anyone have any less woo-woo suggestions or another set of rituals that don't set off the smoke alarm the first day I move in?
A new mattress
CONGRATS on your condo!! My ritual anytime I move somewhere new is to clean everything in your new space before you move your things in. Like everything. Wipe down baseboards, molding, doorframes. Wipe down every shelf in every cabinet in the kitchen. If you can, or if you have help, move the fridge and stove to clean out any dust or dirt behind there. Windex the windows and any mirrors. Wipe down light switches, socket plates, and door knobs. Sweep/vacuum, and mop. Listen to good music and enjoy the process! For the woo-woo-inclined, it’s about cleaning out the old energy of the previous tenants and infusing the space with your personal, positive energy. For the less-woo-woo-inclined, you might be horrified by how dirty your place was even if it looked clean.
New mattress and bed frame might be too expensive but god at least new mattress protector, one of those squishy mattress toppers, and new sheets and blankets. Saving up for a completely new bed would be top of my list lol but I do love to throw things away.
Idk how nice your mattress and bed set are though if you spent thousands on them I totally get it.
Team New Mattress! Block and delete, burn his pics, get on that Black Friday sale. It’s not a high price to pay to never think of him again.
My ex husband was like this. No sex for 4 years. None. At the counselor’s office he said, “It makes me feel like less of a man when she initiated sex, so I punish her by withholding.” That’s all I needed to hear to file for divorce. The games he was running on me whilst pretending to love me. What a d1ck. That said, make your ex pay you for the mattress he defiled. Tell him what you paid for it, and send him a bill. Leave him the mattress. No way I’d be sleeping on a mattress that he purposely defiled just to get back at you. Because that’s what that was—another attempt to hurt and haunt you.
Congrats on your condo, Queen! If you can’t get scrote-y to pay up for a new mattress (ideal) then I would treat yourself to some new lovely linen, some delicious smelling candles to put in your new bedroom and maybe something symbolic like a new headboard to make it crystal clear in your mind that your bed = your sanctuary. I’ve never burned sage but I do think a similar ritual would be very cleansing (and cheaper) for you, too. Fwiw I just had a proper knobhead move out of my condo (he was a vetted lodger, not a partner) and his behaviour was so annoying that I immediately thought I would burn sage in that room just to rid myself of his aura - even if it’s a bit woo I suspect it will make me feel better 😆
New matress, shoot I'd get a whole new bed. One that's beautiful with tufted material, maybe a platform bed with lighting and USB chargers. You do you and ignore him for life. I promise he'll try to come back when he realizes you don't want shit from him! Block, delete, move on.
Hey, just wanted to say you were not alone in the sex issue. The first guy I was head-over-heels for and moved in with has stop wanting sex with me after about 6 months and i couldn't figure it out why.
I built so much resentment that I ended up cheating on him, and after going through therapy realized he was emotionally unavailable and made me feel lonely and unworthy in a relationship because even when we had sex he just finished and went to bed. I still don't understand why he wanted me to move in tho.
In the Buddhist tradition we chant a thing over some water and then sprinkle it around with a willow branch. This is a popular thing to chant for that: Nilakantha Dharani
If you want to, you can chant along with that video as best as you can. It doesn't really matter that much if you don't get all the sounds exactly right. What matters is your intent to protect and purify.
This might be considered a bit woo, but it feels nice. If you have a willow tree anywhere near you that you're allowed to grab a small branch off of, then it would cost you nothing.
If it isn't a wooden bed I suggest getting one of those UV-Light matrtress hand vacuum cleaners. They are the bomb and get so much invisible dirt out.