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I’ve written before about some of the troubles I’ve observed in my SIL’s relationship with my brother.
In one of our first conversations, she explained in some detail the physical abuse she’d endured during her previous marriage. “But your brother’s pretty amazing,” she said. I got the sense that was the sole criterion for finding him suitable as a partner ("does not beat the sh!t out of me"). Not long after extolling his praises, she mentioned that she was mildly frustrated that she was basically funding his lifestyle. “I thought his (illegal) weed business was doing well?” I said. “No”, she said. “He doesn’t want me to tell people, but he basically breaks even. We’re getting by on my income”.
Years went by. They had a baby and got married. Though weed was legalized in our state, cops started cracking down big-time on illegal grow operations. My SIL worried that they risked having their child taken away, so my brother vowed to sell off his extra crops and only stick to the amount that he is legally allowed to grow. SIL started taking their daughter to work with her while he tied up loose ends.
Instead…
My brother decided to keep his business growing. And not only that, he convinced my SIL that since things were working out so well with her taking her daughter along to work, she could continue to do so.
No, he didn’t make good money from his crops. He gave many away because he likes to feel like he’s “the man”.
On top of this, he decided to let his friend move in- you know, to help with the crops. Well, the friend did help get rid of the crops- by smoking them. He also moved his wife and son in.
So this is my SIL’s life now. Working 5 10-12 hour shifts each week (while watching her 3 year-old-daughter) to feed five hungry mouths… doing the majority of the housework… coming home to find my brother made expensive purchases without her consent (“We NEED an RV! Why can’t you see the big picture!”)
And all because she settled for “Doesn’t beat me”.
Imagine that.
Now before you say, “You need to talk to her!”
This woman is DEEP in pickme hell. My brother hates my living guts because I am the only one who calls him out on his BS. So she hates me, too. I do call him out in front of her from time to time, but having a one-to-one chat is something I can’t imagine ever happening. But if it does, I am here for it.
F#ck, my brother is truly the worst.
Queens, no matter how bad your ex was- KNOW YOUR WORTH. Don't settle for "better than abusive". Don't settle at all.
A partner should lessen your load- not increase it. If he is not carrying his weight, it's time to give him the old heave-ho.
I was going to mention giving her a Lundy Bancroft book but that won't fly with your brother latched to her teet and hip. If you get the chance, lets say she complains to you about the bums in her house, mention financial abuse. So many women have not even the slightest clue that financial abuse is a thing. My 70yr old pickme friend was blown away when I told her her ex husband was financially abusing her from the very beginning. That he was always going to end up hitting her, that's the formula, it was always planned.
She has no idea how much money she gets from social security, or how much her monthly bills are, because he will not let her see ANY of her mail. And he throws it in her face with "you haven't opened a bill in 20yrs." (He won't fucking LET her, but okay) They have enough money for all of their bills, but she lets him smoke up all their utility money. Charity programs wont pay her utilities because they make too much money. She hasn't connected the dots that she gets twice the amount that she thinks she gets in SS money. I had to cut her off because she kept asking me for money, and she was overly comfortable begging people to subsidize her parasite, for 20 yrs. I got tired of "Women bad! Women evil! Will you pay my water bill, woman?" From her. It has always been women helping her.
"If a man watches you struggle, he hates you." This needs to be burned into women's brains.
My two older brothers are typical Hispanic misogynistic males. And as the only female, and the youngest one. You can imagine how horrible they treat me. I have cut them both out of my life. Good riddance. But it's ironic when I tell people I have two older brothers and people always say, "WOW they must be super protective over you!" And I just roll my eyes. No, they're both my number one abusers.