.png)
Knowing that you never want kids and still dating a man with kids.
Spoiling his child/children, letting them get away with things.
Hateful stepkids
No partner support when facing unacceptable behavior from his kids
When your partner sees you as a free babysitter/nanny. You spend more time with the stepkids than him.
How much responsibility he takes vs the mom, grandmas, other people (women) in kids’ lives. If it’s significantly less, expect the same if you have your own together. Either he can't really be bothered to parent his own child and his female family members had to step in and fill the role, or grandma has been allowed to see herself as the child's actual parent for years, which means you could be in for a battle over control of that child.
In public forums we're not allowed to say "hey this is really difficult and it's a huge handful and it might not be worth it" pretty much every stepmother in pop culture is either Mary Poppins or the devil. Kids can vent about the difficulties of having a stepparent, but there is no tolerance for honest communication about the hardships of trying to parent step-kids.
Hiding you from his ex.
A never ending connection to another woman. His ex will always be in his life, because she is the mother of his children.
High Conflict Bio Mom(BM):
invade your privacy
try to steal your man
harass your man
copycat you
trample your clearly laid out boundaries
criticize your parenting
accuse you of overstepping
accuse you of not doing enough to help
harm your stepchild with her jealousy
turn your stepchild against you or your SO
drain your finances with legal battles
embarrass you in public
pretend to be friends to backstab you
try to one-up you
use your man as an on-call husband
keep a too-close close relationship with your in-laws
The phone going off every two seconds after the kids are returned to BM.
More than a couple emails a week between BPs that focus more on BM “feelings” and “thoughts” rather than the kids.
Threats to withhold the children.
BM limiting phone contact during her access week to irritate BD.
BM spreading rumours about BD or you.
BD sticking head in sand and refusing to acknowledge what is happening around him.
BM creating drama in general.
BM telling SKs lies about you that get filtered down to you through SKs.
A BD that just can’t organise himself in an adult way or deal with issues maturely.
Overly invested extended family who even after divorce side with BM.
Extended Family who feel the need to insert themselves into unnecessary drama.
BD unable to set realistic BM boundaries.
BD saying “you knew what you signed up for” (fuck you! Seriously this should never be used).
BD who just can’t move past divorce and focuses negatively on what BM did and didn’t do during court and financial settlement over a year ago.
BD who will not set a date night and make sure it is as important as time with his kids.
BD who seems to be able to organize his kids time and everything else in his life but can’t organize anything for you in your relationship.
BM calling 400 times a day when the kids are with BD.
Bio Mom trash talks your existence, especially if you haven't even met? She's not going to stop and it will get worse as your relationship continues. This Bio mom will go nuclear if you have a child with SO
How he interacts with the ex is another. If she’s a bitch, it’s all her fault, she’s a nasty person who won’t let him see his kids, fights with her nonstop and nothing whatsoever is ever his fault, you better take a long look at the picture. Because odds are good it wasn’t all her, or he is constantly provoking her. The men who legit have shrews for ex wives who ran them through hell are usually the ones who won’t say a bad word about her too loudly, or won’t push back on her out of fear of what comes next. I should have paid attention with my ex.
https://old.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/jqwpoo/red_flags/
Women are so quick to bash the ex but often it's the guy who's at fault, women don't generally leave the father of their kids unless he's got serious issues and it generally is the woman who does leave. I would want to know who filed for the divorce, especially if she left him to go into a womans shelter and if the police had been out, if she filed I'm outta there. Abusive men love triangulation, while you and his ex are going at it he could be building a case against you with the next sucker, or just out screwing around with you holding the fort at home.
I don't ever state aloud that I will not date men with children because I am 40 and people think I am being ridiculous and dooming myself to a single life. lol. But the same people will shame you and make you feel badly when you don't want to take on the financial and emotional responsibility of 2 other people's life decision.
Unless a man is wealthy, stepmoms are expected to use their resources to help his children. I love children and treoretically have no problem with this but so many men are gold diggers. And they will absolutely use a stepmom as a placeholder until the kids are old enough to leave the nest. Also, I know a man that stays in touch with his stepmom out of pity. It would be kinda devastating to cutivate relationships with children who ultimately don't really like you.
Being a stepmother is another way to get free labor and resources from childless/childfree women.
Honestly, my own stepmother was not ready to be a stepparent, and it showed.
I was 5 when we met, and she was 31. I was not the best child ever, but I also didn't antagonize her. I actually tried my best to get her to like me, because I liked playing with her nieces and nephews and didn't want her relationship with my dad to fail.
But she was not ready to be a mother figure in any way, which is valid and definitely her right, but can be a non-ideal situation when you have to actively deal with a child that sees you as one.
She tried her best to pretend that I did not exist, and that my time with my father wasn't important at all. I only saw him once or twice a week (my mother did the brunt of childrearing, because in all honesty my dad is not very high value, even though he tried to convey that he was an emotionally invested father), but she did not like having me around and saw me as a burden.
I have forgiven her behavior because I honestly don't think I could successfully date a man with children either, but I do judge her for putting herself in that position in the first place.
She clearly wanted a man without children, so I have no idea why she settled for my father.
We really need to be more open about how though it really is to be a stepparent, and what to expect from it.
It's a real burden that not everyone is ready to take on, and that's okay.
I feel like if she had had a resource like FDS back then, she would never have settled for someone with such an incompatible lifestyle.
Been here. I wish someone would have told me that the entire relationshit was not for me.
He told me that I would never have interaction with the kids so that's probably why I stayed, off of his lie.
When we met he was sleeping on her couch, they weren't together, she knew he had girlfriends. For some reason though, I was a bridge too far for her. Back in the 90s, cell phone bills would have every number that was called on them. Apparently, he and I talked a lot and she liked to open mail not addressed to her. Our first interaction, she blocked her number and called me 5 or 6 times. I didn't tell her anything but I did tell him, hey, shes blowing me up. She did try to befriend me. Yeah, right. Next month, same thing except I was actually paying my bill at the store and they changed my number while she was continuously calling. Lolol.
She comes to my house as I'm moving later that month. Yes she tailed him to find my house. She tries to fight me.
We get married and now the kids come in to play. Awful. Just disrespectful. "My mama is gonna whoop your ass", from the 4 yr old. Constant constant calls when the kids were there. Every drop off was a problem. I would take the kids shopping with my own money so they could have exactly what they wanted to eat, bc drop offs were completely last minute. If we/me wasnt available, she would withhold the kids until a payment was made. Speaking of. Dude was giving her X amount every week. Plenty. Her rent was $400 a month. She owned her car. She took him to court and ended up getting -- for 3 kids, now --- $33 a month.
She would show up at my work. She would harass my friends. She would follow me and one time tried to run me off the road with her kids in her car. She was obsessed. Funny thing is, we look alike but are 2 different ethnicities. Ppl would always call me by her name. It didn't really bother me.
I tried to get a restraining order on her, but bc WE weren't in a relationshit, they wouldn't grant it.
All the while, he stood by and did NOTHING.
He and I moved to a big city in another state but after a year, a year without her and the kids, I did leave him. It wasn't her, or the kids.. It was HIM I didnt like. Am I empathetic towards her? No. Hell no. She's bat shit crazy and I see why he cheated on her and left her. One time she swallowed a bunch of cocaine bc she didn't want him to go partying for the night. Yeah, thats what I chose to deal with in my 20s.