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"... the how and why of when we snap out of our emotional unavailability is often completely out of our control ... And when it does happen, we very rarely end up spending our lives with the woman who loved us throughout our ... unavailability ... because men use a formula to assign value to ... women ... derived from how much we believe that woman values herself ... we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything ... we need to know that you’ll accept nothing less than everything. We need to believe ... we’ll still be compelled to be the best man we can possibly be by the simple act of you allowing us to continue to be in your presence."
I just read this article (full article here: http://web.archive.org/web/20161225173300/http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/08/29/so-dont-you-fall-in-love-a-thesis-for-emotionally-unavailable-men/) on emotionally unavailable men and 2 things stood out to me:
1. It aligns with what FDS says about women not gaining anything by having low standards and not asking for much.
2. The author is blaming women for how men treat and value women.
I am a recovering pickme and thanks to FDS I am realising that by asking for more and asserting my needs, I am going to attract and keep better people in my life. I've recently started expecting more, and to my surprise (and delight) it's working!
I'd love to hear other womens' opinions of this article or summary, and how things have changed for you when you started expecting more.
Infuriating. This is why I can't stand the "men want a challenge" mentality. Any man who needs a "challenge" in order to be and do better, it's NOT a high value man. It's an idiotic adrenalin junkie who needs to assign women all responsability for his action and choices and has no personality of his own.
A man who appreciates a woman only when she becomes unavailable is the epitome of low effort. Floating through life without knowing who he is and what he wants, just realizing what he has when it's gone. Only coming alive when a shot of dopamine kicks in. Who wants a man like that?! And I'm supposed to "be a challenge" so I can attract THIS guy?? BARF!
I want someone who can appreciate me for who I am, not someone I have to "keep motivated". I am a whole person not a provider of emotional regulation.
When you standards are higher, many people disappear. But those who stay are not automatically there for the right reasons. I evaluate motives just as ruthlessly, maybe more, than behavior. If I get a hint of man who assign responsibility to me for his good behavior, I'm out. Because later he will assign me responsability for his BAD behavior. And because that's the type who has no intrinsic motivation and wants "a challenge". And a man who has no intrinsic motivation is A CHILD.
The biggest shift I’ve noticed from expecting more (I could go in depth about all the shifts which have been positive but this one sticks out as a major one) is how comfortable I am with myself, to the point where I not only have no tolerance for people who don’t fit into my life/boundaries but I am also 100% ok on my own. To me now relationships and friendships are the cherry on top (and are still important to have and ok to want) but even if those people don’t appear I still have a sundae all my own to enjoy. Letting go of being liked and focusing on being authentic to myself first and foremost also helped with this immensely. People can and will sense this in you and move accordingly. I found after focusing on myself first a lot of pieces fell into place without my effort on my part.
" is often completely out of our control ...".
Ok.....
I lost braincells reading that dude’s article.