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Last night I was out with a group of friends and coworkers, all of us women. We were sitting at a group table and the event we watched just finished, so we were just kinda chatting casually and saying some goodbyes since a friend and I had to leave. Suddenly a man came up to our table, introduced himself, said he was here on vacation and just got a beer and asked if he could sit with us. The other women welcomed him and I wasn't really sure if they were just being nice because they were afraid to tell him to go or if they genuinely wanted to get to know him, but when he sat down the conversation shifted to him, his vacation, if he was going to any other states (he was from another country), etc. With at least 2 of the women at the table now focused on him.
I immediately hated it. I had felt like he specifically chose our table because we were a group table full of women - there was another group table full of men next to us. Maybe he asked them and they said no, IDK, and he just moved on to the next group he saw.
Honestly, it also reminded me of another experience I had a couple months ago. I was at a concert which ended and when I hopped in the merch line, a dude got behind me, noticed the two girls in front me, tried twice to get to their attention, and once he did just but into their conversation and made it about himself and it felt like just some obvious showboating in an attempt to grab one of their numbers.
Anyways, on the ride home my friend was like, I could tell you didn't like that guy because you immediately had a noticeable reaction. I told her of course I didn't, look what happened - we were having a nice group convo and he totally derailed it and made our outing now all about him. She said she didn't think about it that way and initially just thought he was another friendly person just trying to get out there and make some friends, but she did notice the dynamic change before we left and now viewed that in a different light.
I wondered if I was being a little too judgmental but was just wondering if anyone had similar experiences with men in public and how they felt about it. I do think that when you're having a night out sometimes it's fun to to just chat up a stranger and she and I have met friends that way but typically it's women and I have found that when unknown men attempt to talk to me in public, most of the time they have ulterior motives, especially when the setting is a bar (which is where we were).
I hate this too. I had christmas drinks with my (ex) friends and we were doing a little cheers, opening presents, reading cards, etc but then this drunk guy walked over. He silently HOVERED over us for a good 10 minutes before I angrily asked him what his problem was. He welcomed himself to the table and tried to pick up (while slurring over his words). Ugh it absolutely RUINED the mood.
He eventually retreated to his friends but my pickme friend scolded me saying I was being “mean” for accusing him of interrupting our celebrations. So she chased after him to introduce him to our single friend. My pickme friend kept coercing her to say “give him a chance, he seems nice just shy, I feel bad for him🥺”. No! He’s slimy and disrespectful! We're not a "sanctuary" for socially inept and lonely men. That’s one of the MANY reasons they’re my “ex” friends.
I hate when this happens. It doesn't even have to be a night out. When a man joins a group of women, somehow it becomes all about him. He sits there while the women ask him questions. He becomes the centre of attention; women fawn over him and he laps it up. I don't think men (or women) understand even subconsciously what they're doing because it's so normalised - men are the centre of the world, for both women and men. Shits me to tears.
It is rare that one male will approach a group of women. That, in and it itself, is very telling. Normally, males do not have the balls to approach a group of women, so they wait till one woman is alone to approach. If a male has the confidence to approach a group of women, that would have my hackles up immediately.
Men are parasites. They suck all the air out of the room
Oh, I absolutely hate this. I think they do it partly to get attention (to the male mind, getting attention from a group of women is much better than getting attention from just one woman), and partly because there is less risk of rejection from a group (because there's almost always one woman in the group who will think it's "mean" to tell him to buzz off, and the rest of the group often defers to this just to avoid conflict or embarrassment).
I ALSO think it's because they are man-toddlers who just can't stand to be left out, or to see someone enjoying something that he can't have. I hate it, and at my age, I've decided to just go ahead and be the woman who says "go away," even if the other women in the group think I'm being "mean."
There is a pretty good scene from Designing Women where the older sister (Julia Sugarbaker?) tells off a man for doing this exact thing. It's on Youtube somewhere.
I hate when men do stuff like this too. I imagine that they do it for attention. They know that most women are socialised not to say "No" to men and to heap attention and praise on them and they're taking advantage. If the man actually knew one or more of the women in a group then that's fine. That can be defended as being sociable. But a man approaching a group of women he doesn't know at all is real low value behaviour IMO.
You’re right to feel the way you did and I would’ve shown my displeasure too if I was in your shoes.
EVERY time a man talks to a woman it’s because he wants something from her. They always have ulterior motives. As we’ve discussed on here many many many times, the majority of men are LV so you can bet that a man talking to a woman is because he wants something from her and has no intention of treating her right. The number one thing men are looking for is: sex (as we all know).
Back when I used to think men and women were very similar, I would’ve thought that a guy that did what this one did, was being friendly but I’ve learnt my lesson. Men aren’t just talking to us to be friendly; they talk to us because they want something from us.
You were perceptive in picking up on how the dynamic changed and everything became about him. I would’ve been so put-off too. A man and his narcissism strikes again 😤
Oh yeah I have a memorable one 😂. I was camping with my friend which made it extra creepy, but it was not off grid so there were other families around, thank god. NEVER go camping alone ladies, or without a weapon.
We noticed him before because he had been playing loud obnoxious country music out of his truck and we had laughed about it. We had just gotten settled in when he came and introduced himself as 'Shelby' lolol. He butted into the conversation, pitying himself for being lonely, randomly threw a huge cardboard box into our campfire (??!) which we probably inhaled the ink and glue from, generally followed us around for hours mansplaining stuff and eventually insinuated we were boring HIM before FINALLY leaving. No dude, you're the one boring us to death & making us uncomfortable af. Not to mention what a waste of a shroom trip that was 😂!
I don't have a problem with men approaching women and starting a conversation if he's not a weirdo or asshole about it.
In this situation he was wrong. It's a faux pas, for sure, to butt in on a group of friends who are clearly there to enjoy each other's company, and not to mingle. He should have been set straight with a "we're not looking to make new friends tonight" or something.
But don't women looking for dates and relationships want men to approach them?