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(Really long. Sorry but I wanted to let it all out)
Let me set the scene before I tell you the details. And please let me know if this happens to anyone else my age
I’m 23 and almost every man or woman over 30 that I meet is surprised by that, they all think I look much younger, around 18-19.
I have a baby face and the only compliment I ever get is that I’m ‘cute’ But I am not a push over! I do stand up for myself but in the instances Im giving you I guess I feel I can’t be outrightly rude. Also I work in a male dominated field (media of sorts) and this has all happened there mostly with very old men 50-70s
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NOW WHY THE HELL do all these old men around me try to touch me in some way (not sexually but still a breech of personal space)
Examples:
* told an old guy he was wrong about something (Age range 60s) we laughed it off and he went to touch my shoulder as a sorry i guess? then probably realised he shouldn’t so just awkwardly hung it in the air and then kinda leant it forward to try again but didn’t (like he couldn’t stop himself? Weird)
* Incel guy Age 24 used to walk up to me and poke me (found out he liked me, dude grow up! who pokes someone at our age?) I’ve since reported him so he has stopped
* I was sitting on a couch at work and a man in his 50s who I have talked to before about books and thought was normal, squeezed himself right between me and the arm rest of the couch. We were touching thighs so I moved straight away and he said “you don’t have to move if you don't want too” and laughed, I just laughed it off but was like why did he do that??
*same man above has come up behind me before the couch incident and used his pointer fingers to tickle my waist and said “tickles” I kind just went quiet as he walked off because I was honestly stunned to silence. We did just talk about his daughter who is my age so I thought oh he sees me as a kid but then the couch incident happened and I'm keeping my distance
*went out for drinks with all the work people, one woman’s husband (50s) was talking to the group (we were in a little circle) put his hand on my shoulder and leant over me for a good minute saying good bye to everyone and then turned to me and shook my hand asking if we had met before while still gripping my shoulder. Made me really uncomfortable (they also have a daughter my age)
* husband of my mums cousin (70s), who I haven’t seen since I was a child and have no relationship with had to get past me in their kitchen and went behind me and grabbed my shoulders with both his hands as he squeezed past. NO NEED! Just ask me to move don’t fucking touch me.
* delivery guy (50s) got the wrong address we were laughing because we both couldn't really understand what each other was saying and when he was saying sorry held my shoulder and was kinda patting it. It happened really fast and Then he left but I still felt weird that he would do that to a stranger?
Let me make it clear NO OLDER WOMEN has EVER touched me at work EVERRR and none of my mums friends or random women do either it’s just these entitled fucks
I’ve noticed this is all happened this year as I feel older women and family members have started to say my Face is maturing and im getting prettier but It just seems that these scrotes can’t stop fucking touching me and it makes me angry. How dare they think they have the right to do that!!! I must look so innocent to them?? It pisses me off, especially since I don’t have the full confidence in that department to get them to stop. :(
Do any other women here ever experience this? How do I stop them? What would you do? I hate feeling like prey, even though I’m not scared of them at all I just get the vibe that they feel they can do anything they want to me. I wish I could punch them honestly 😪
1.I would look them directly in the eye and say ew 2. Pull on sanitizing spray or Lysol 3. Disinfect area that they touch while make a disgusting face. 4. Walk away
To answer your question, yes, most women have had this touchy stuff come up; even though it's not sexual, per se, it's an ownership thing with guys. You appear young, not "owned" i.e. married, obvious bf. So these creeps are asserting their dominance/ownership. Women not owned by another man are fair game.
What to do about it?
It's always startling when something boundary-pushing happens. My advice would be to practice. While at home recall some of these events and think of ways that you wished you had responded, appropriate to the situation. Then rehearse different responses and practice, out loud with body motion. What this does is give you the body memory of defending yourself, even if you don't use the exact response that you practiced.
For example, a creep I used to work with would come by and attempt to "massage" my neck and shoulders. At first I would just say "That's ok, George, don't need a massage" and eventually he would stop. I glued a small concave mirror onto my computer monitor and when I saw him coming I would jump up. That didn't deter him. So I practiced things I could say to put him off. The next time he came by, I completely forgot what I had rehearsed but said, "George, you're making me stop work to avoid getting my neck massaged. I don't need this and it doesn't work for me."
While this wasn't a strong "No, stop!" it did get the message across and he stopped touching me. And. The next time a guy played this shit I was better able to say "NO!"
Sad but necessary.
Been there! Being super loud and rude when men touch you makes it awkward and shameful. I have long hair and (when I was younger, happens less now in my late 20's and I have a reputation for being mean) men like walk up behind me at work and touch it and I would shout very loudly HEY MAN DON'T TOUCH ME. It was always followed by him being defensive about it and I'll talk over him saying, "I don't care. Don't touch me." Cold, short, and simple. The most I've had to do is threaten to take it to HR for sexual harassment. Thinking back on it now I wish I had been more ruthless and actually done that, but getting HR involved makes things messy sadly when the threat alone worked. I've had to do this 4 times now, out of the 100 or so men I've yelled at in my 20's.
Yes, happens to me as well. 25 in a male dominated (physical work) field, people are pretty chill, but I do get to hear the locker room talk in the break room which is disgusting (and primarily done by the younger guys my age). It's in the music/band/roadie industry and so far the older dudes are the most balanced and ethical ones from what I could tell.
Outside of work I still get randomly touched though. On my side, on my shoulder, on my bare skin when I'm wearing a crop top, it's like men see it as an invite to touch. It's disturbing. I've only had a girl do this once, it was similar to your couch situation. She also asked if I was single and when I said yeah she was like "aaah good". I felt very objectified by her.
When someone randomly touches me I look at where they touch me and ask "Why are you touching me?", like I'm genuinely surprised. Depending on the answer they give me I might just say nothing and go about my day (assuming they removed their hand at that point, if not I'll have removed it myself).
Depending on the answer I might continue asking questions. Did they say something like "Oh yeah idk why, sorry about that", then I like to ask "Did you not think I have physical boundaries?" with the same grey rocking expression like I genuinely don't understand what just happened. If they say "oh yeah no of course you have them" then I'll ask "then why did you touch me?", and if they say something else I might ask "Did you consider my boundaries at all?".
Now this final part that I have only done a few times and is very dependent on the situation. A lot of the men (in particular the younger ones) do this behavior so automatically, they don't even stand still to think about why they're doing it. So if I'm in the mood for it, and the situation is right, I like to rattle their brains a little bit. Make them think about their actions. I use a grey rocking expression for this and not a confrontational one (unless I'm okay risking being on bad terms with this person like a stranger). If it gets them thinking then great, if they don't then my life remains unchanged anyway.
I would very obviously pull away from anyone trying to touch me, and if you can, very bluntly ask “why are you touching me.” No matter his answer, say “well don’t.”
omg this happens to me, too. ITS NOT NORMAL, and NOT OKAY. Perhaps, you're too nice and you've got a baby, angel face and so maybe those gross AH's think they can get away with "hand grabbing" or whatever "contact". It's disgusting, and the first thing you should do is just practice vocalizing the "ick" from men who hit on you or give NVM attention. I practice saying "ew" to dudes who hit on me in gross ways, and now it just comes out when these types of interactions happen, then they get the message, that they're being gross and overstepping boundaries.
I went through this phase even until my late 20s unfortunately. Personal trainer, a VP at work, co-worker, etc. they do it so quick that I didn’t expect it or realize it but then later I sit with myself and blame myself because it made me feel so weird and uncomfortable. But then I started reporting those assholes to HR. Most of them got fired. It was a hassle and annoying but I didn’t care. These men need to know that anything without my consent is harassment. I don’t tolerate this shit anymore.
Time for boundaries!!!
Reminds me of that one time a substitute teacher put his hand on top of my head and rubbed it in class. Don’t remember why but that was weird… im like wtf just happened? 😐 Then later he was sitting on the chair snoring with his head thrown back. Ight. cool i guess
How tall are you? This doesn't happen to me. Try to get strong and stand up straight and wear heels
Just last week some old grandpa came over to me and touched me. And I’ve had this happen before too. Im older than you and it is still happening. And I’m annoyed I still don’t have a good response to this either.