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When I'm in love with someone, I want to make them happy. I'm a giver and I've always done nice things for my exes - cook them their favorite meals, pick out random thoughtful gifts, take them out to their favorite restaurants and make sure they feel loved and taken care of. I never had to be asked to do these things, and I WANTED to do them because I loved seeing them happy.
Common advice for women is to "jUsT coMmuNiCaTe" whenever they feel unsatisfied in a relationship. "MeN aRe nOt miNdReaDeRs". Neither am I, but you don't have to have supernatural powers to know what would make your partner happy. They should know I'd love to get flowers once in a while, that I'd love to not have to cook dinner after working late, or that I'd like more than two minutes of foreplay. Even IF they were dumb enough to not know, they could at least ask if they could do something for you. I've never been asked that before. Me and my platonic girlfriends always do nice things for each other and it's the norm.
If a guy never does nice things without having to ask for them - even IF he does them afterwards - he doesn't care about making his partner happy and is only testing how little he can get away with. If he then reluctantly does these things he will feel resentment inside.
There is a fine line between communicating and begging.
At some point you might have to mention your preferences--men are not mind readers and every woman likes different things. Say, you enjoy celebrating valentines day, but hate stuffed teddy bears with hearts. You'd prefer to go to the opera and eat at a vegetarian restaurant. Those sorts of preferences should be hinted at.
But that's it. You should not have to nag, or beg, or constantly remind.
The FDS podcast episode on "communication dynamics between men and women" is GOLD.
Yeah. the whole 'men are not mind readers thing', For me it's like, me wanting nice things/acts does not mean he needs to be a mind reader. The last guy I was (not) with was so thick. He basically had the attitude of that he would do what I wanted if I "would just tell him" what it was. Otherwise he did nothing. Because I'm looking for a man child/subordinate to instruct? Some women like this in a man because they like to be 'top dog' and liek their man to be subservient. It's not my jam at all. Communication is only on the table if initiative is being taken to begin with. If he's not feeling the urge to give, then what are we even doing? Boy, Bye. It's like you said, when you care about/are into something/someone, the natural thing is to want to give to that person. I can't believe how much I put up with...
Selfishness? Conditioning? Small dick energy? Yeah, definitely that last one.
Men believe they can do the bare minimum and do. They often get away with it so they continue doing it.
It's wonderful to see women waking up and saying no thanks, I wish it'd been 30yrs ago but better late than never.
Yes!!! Get yourselves a man who actively wants to do nice things for you, it's a real game changer.
This is why I made a thread months back about the benefits for a woman to do absolutely nothing and bring nothing to the table (in scrote-speak), because then she can find out two very important things about a man:
If he truly loves her for who she is and not whatever perks he's trying to fish out of her (money, sex, etc) before commitment.
If he himself will take the initiative in the relationship from start to finish- Will he make the first move? Will he actually plan the dates and pay for it? Will he be the one to bring up commitment and marriage first? Will he wine her, dine her, give gifts and affection to her because he actually likes being with her, or because he feels pressured to do so and because he's scared he'll lose the perks she's been giving to him. (See #1.)
You're right. You as a woman shouldn't have to ask of him anything. If he doesn't do nice things, it's because he doesn't like you. Point blank.
It's power and control over you, plain and simple.
Making you ask and explain and beg for every little thing you want him to do or notice constantly gives him the power to say "no" or "only if you do X in return".
Doing stuff for you, seeing your needs and taking them into account is therefore not natural or self evident, it's "generous" and a "favor" and "something you need to beg for and he can grant if he feels like it" and men can always guilt you with "I only did this because YOU asked me to and look what happened" (= "feel bad for inconveniencing me because every thing that happened was ultimately your fault") and "I don't know what you problem is. I do everything you ASK me for."/ "You should have just ASKED" (="you don't have a right to complain if you didn't explicitely ask me not to do that thing").
That's exactly the dynamic they want.
IMHO for a giver relationship only works if the other person is also a giver. Otherwise you will exhaust yourself.
Agreed.
My ex never did jack shit for me and come to find out it's because he assumed the whole time I "must've been cheating" on him anyways so "what's the point". I literally never cheated (or wanted too) once, but he however was *attempting* to cheat on ME, and the reason why I say "attempt" is because literally no one else wanted him (neither then nor now) which is why he still calls me from random numbers trying to get me back, LMAO.