Having children with LV abusive men….

Tonight I've been subjected to further threats of court action. All because my son doesn't want to see his dad and doesn't like him. My son says he sees now what he's like. Without any input from me I can assure you. I'm not allowed to give my views or opinions or I'm held in contempt at court. My son isn't classed at an age of having his own mind so in court everything is decided for him. I've already suggested to give our son more time so it doesn't become traumatic but he won't put his best interests first. I have had to encourage and facilitate contact even though I have been through DV with this man and our son years ago disclosing physical violence against himself at 5yrs old. But my ex further abuses us through the "justice" system. I'm so sick of this "justice" system. He claims he is equal to me but he has not been there or done as much as me for our son! I just have no words anymore!!! I wish I could just disappear with my son and not be found. With children we are permanently linked to these men and so are our children. Regardless of what WE want.

8 answers0 replies

Comments (8)

NotTheOne

Feb 15, 2023

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First: there needs to be a flair on here for Family Law, so more of us can talk about this trauma.

Second: you need to see the big picture. I realize you're terrified for your son, but it sounds like he's building a case for alienation/contempt of court/possible abduction. If he wins you could lose custody or have your rights terminated altogether.

Fyi, that message he sent sounds totally sane and rational. I believe you, and I believe he's an abuser- but family law personnel are notorious for missing these signs and taking the side of the abuser.

What benefitted me was abiding by my court order to the T, but silently building my case. I documented every pickup/dropoff and all communications. I took screenshots of every text he sent and printed them out in triplicate. every time I texted it emailed him I did so carefully, thinking "how could this come across if read in court?" When the smoking gun occurred, I had a binder full of evidence ready to go for court.

Best of luck to you. The truth comes out eventually.

Pink Lotus

Feb 15, 2023

Replying to

Thanks for the reply. I actually saw a solicitor (uk) last week as I was so worried about what would happen. She assured me that it definitely doesn’t look like alienation on my part as I have adhered to the order if not more so with added contact too. I have come up with suggestions to solve this with him too. It’s very complicated as our son has a disability to which I am his carer full time and I believe he could be on the autism spectrum too (waiting assessment). I can also critically see why it looks bad on my part. My son has always been ok with contact but something has happened for him to suddenly have melt downs to when it is time to see his dad and adamantly refuse. My friend who is a social worker suggests I get it investigated with social services as my son will not tell me everything that’s happened so I will get the ball rolling with that. I honestly didn’t think i would have to go through this again. Our son will be subjected to interviewing which will be very tough for him as he struggles to open up and communicate effectively so that worries me. To top it off my ex has stopped paying maintenance too so he’s punishing us financially also. But in the uk the courts don’t get involved with that side. I’m hoping my car isn’t taken due to it being my only financial asset. Yes your right. I shall also start printing off text communications too as those could help possibly.

NotTheOne

Feb 15, 2023

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Replying to

I don't know about UK law (or any state other than my own) but in California we have to tread carefully about getting social workers or counselors involved without notifying the father. If it is an absolute emergency we can- but we'd have to notify the father as soon as possible. Just follow your order as much as possible. I know that seems absurd when dealing with an abuser. It's a very fine line- if we go in there with not enough evidence, the judge will say we're "vindictive" and "alienating the father". But if we go in with too much, they'll say we are neglectful (as in, "how could you let this go on for so long?"). I think you should become very familiar with UK recording laws, as recordings can be helpful, but can also be illegal. Here in CA it is illegal to record someone (even a child) without their permission, but there is a loophole that if a recording can prove a lie was told under oath, it can be used to prove that.

Just tread carefully.

As for lawyers, I've had some tell me my case was "cut and dry" and "going to be easy", but they were not prepared to go against my narc ex and his narc attorney. And their laziness cost me dearly, as they missed deadlines to submit my evidence. Remember that even attorneys can get lazy. Don't assume that because you've hired one you can relax. Stay on top of your game, know all deadlines and don't be afraid to micromanage a little bit. No one is going to care about this case as much as you. The lawyer may be getting thousands of dollars, but that's still not her kid. I'm not saying you shouldn't get an attorney- you should- but just make sure you're doing everything within your power to make things go smoothly.

And take care of your mental health, please! This is such a difficult thing to go through. You will need support.

TealCactus

Feb 14, 2023

Hey, I am really sorry and am going through something similar and have met so many women through group therapy for DV that have to co-parent and play nice with their abuser.

I would honestly start looking for a lawyer. If you can't retain one right away, your state should have resources for you to speak to a lawyer for advice at a set low cost rate or even free (1 hour type consultation). You could also start seeing if you can obtain and DV advocate and she can help and support you.

The family court system is a literal joke. I am sorry you are continuing to be emotionally abused by this man. Please take care, I am sending love to you & your son let me know if I can help in any way! I had to flee at night with my infant while pregnant, without a bank account and access to any funds.

Pink Lotus

Feb 15, 2023

Replying to

Thank you 🙏

Cinis

Feb 15, 2023

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Please get in touch with mama_wilder on instagram ASAP she has been through and won in a similar situation

bearfruit

Feb 15, 2023

I’ve been in family court with LVM for 7 consecutive years. It sucks. The only fast way out is throwing A LOT of money at an expensive lawyer. Money is the only thing the judges and lawyers respect as they view you as a peer rather than trash. Those of us who can’t do that have to endure and suffer and repeatedly put our children at risk.

Your ex doesn’t mean he is equal to you, he means he has equal parenting rights and equal rights to access his son —and he legally does (thanks to men’s rights activists). Unlike you, he views your son as a possession, not a separate human being with feelings and wants of his own. He’s using the court as a means of coercive control to get “possession of his son” and to hurt you. And the court will let him.

You can fight for sole decision-making rights for yourself (which I recommend) but if you try to fight against your ex having access / visitation—the court will immediately turn against you. Never mess with his access. It’s really depressing that you have to send your kid to a potentially abusive man, but if he is being abused during visits that is the evidence you need to get his access restricted to supervised visits only. To get supervised access you need hard evidence like police reports, video recordings of your son detailing abuse or refusing to visit dad, video recordings of you saying ”time to visit dad” and him having a meltdown in response, hospital paperwork with evidence and/or photos of domestic violence, and proof you used the services of a women’s DV shelter or counseling. You’ll never be awarded no access by the court no matter how abusive your ex is. But a lot of abusive men give up on visitation when they are limited to supervised visits because they have no control and no way to access you or hurt you.

Stranger hugs and wishing you lots of good luck and wishing your ex the worst luck ever.

Megara

Feb 15, 2023

That a-holes makes my blood boil on your behalf. Hang in there

Having children with LV abusive men….

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