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"There are two destructive goals that abusive men succeed at more than any others. One is to make the woman believe that the abuse is her own fault; the other is to make her feel that there is something wrong with her mentally.
He denies things that are extremely obvious:
For example, he yells furiously at you but denies that he’s angry; he stinks of alcohol but denies that he’s been drinking; he has a lot of secret phone calls but denies that anything is going on; he assaults you physically or sexually and then later says it didn’t happen.
He acts out dramatically in ways that reverse reality.
For example, one of my clients would be scary and intimidating to his partner, then would lock himself in a room and barricade the door with furniture, saying that he was scared of her. I’ve had other clients who would burst into tears and tell their partner how mean she was being
after he said or did terrible things to her.
He tries to convince you that you are the only person who believes what you believe.
He messes things up for you, then tells you that you messed them up yourself.
For example, he hides bills and then says you forgot to pay them; he doesn’t give you messages, so you miss important dates, then he swears he told you; he damages objects around the house and says that you are the one who did it.
From: Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Not just the abuser. Almost everyone blames women for the mistreatment men give them. Men who are mistreated in relationships get all the sympathy, men will even use that example to shame women and that all women are like that.
But women are told they need to choose better, it’s their fault for stating. They allowed it so it’s their fault.
Men are never blamed for shitty things women do to them, at least not anymore. Even men who allow women to treat them like that are never told that it’s their fault. It’s always the fault of the abuser when it’s a woman. When the abuser is a male it’s always the victims fault or her fault too. It’s never just the man’s fault completely.
Male accountability and female accountability are different like day and night time.
Male accountability means accept that you screwed up and do everything within your power to make your mistake undone and deal with the punishments like a man.
Female accountability means getting the blame for the thing men did to you. ”Oh he stabbed you,” well what did you do to deserve that?” “Oh he killed her? What did she do to push him over the edge” “He went a 180 on you?” You should have rejected him nicely”
“He treats you like crap?” He leaked your nudes online for revenge? You should have known better than choose him “
This is why ill never respect men.
When you are mistreated you didn’t ask for it, the abuser is 100% in the wrong. Unless men on a mass scale agrees with that they can call go to hell and burn forever.
When you are a person (me) who has never experienced gas lighting before and never even heard term, then you meet someone who starts to do it to you? It's an extremely traumatic, abusive, confusing thing that turns your entire world upside down. Six years I was made to feel like I was the crazy one. All these examples were done to me constantly. But I had NO idea what was happening to me. I had never experienced this before, and had never heard the term.and had no clue what was happening to me. I just knew that whenever I tried to have a conversation about anything he would start changing the subject over and over till I got frustrated and gave up. Or he would do something hurtful to me, and when I reacted hurt, my reaction became the problem..not what HE did to cause the hurt. And he would often act dramatically and act as if he was scared of ME, after he'd done whatever abusive thing he did to me. I knew what I was experiencing was not right. But I didn't have the words for what was happening to me, and because no previous male had ever treated me that way, I was blindsided by this kind of behavior. It's been only 18 months since that 6 years of HELL, and I am still unraveling wtf happened to me.
Another thing I've recently talked about with other women is: he tries to make you believe that no one else would ever put up with you. That is one of the most nefarious techniques I've come across and it works SO well. I know now four women personally (five if I include myself) who were stuck in the fog of toxic relationships, but thought that this was their best shot at love – because their partners have all made them believe that they were insufferable and would be completely alone if they left. In every one of those cases, those women found more fulfilling romantic and platonic relationships the instant they chose themselves. Like, good/better people just flocked to them basically. I had the same experience. After my breakup, my ex told me he "hopes my new environment can deal with this" (meaning my behavior) because he can't. He assumed I must go on everybody's nerves. The fact is that he is the only one who ever had this enormous resentment for me and nitpicked things other people don't even notice. So, ladies, when you ever feel unlovable and like your ex-partners were doing a superhuman feat for managing to stay with you, remember that you are not the problem. He is and he doesn't want you to know.
Does asking him repeatedly to wear condoms, but him refusing to wear them but saying "don't worry, you won't get pregnant, everything is going to be ok" count? I was not asking him if I would get pregnant. I was TELLING him what I needed and he would either say " we don't have to have sex" or " you aren't going to get pregnant".