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It's still early days and for all I know we could break up next week, but about a couple months ago I started going out on dates with someone that, to my shock, has a lot of HVM qualities. Buuuut he's not perfect.
So I'm wondering what FDS thinks, and if there's anything I should be aware of or keep in mind in dating while this guy? I'm being cautious about catching feels and continuing to go on other dates when I can, so I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket quite yet - but he's been very consistent in showing up.
Pros:
good job and comes from money
owns his own property
very close with his sisters and mom, all HVW, one is a legit boss babe FDS queen
marriage and family minded
pays for everything, has even offered to cover things for me when he doesn't have to, has said he'd pay for me to go on trips with him if it gets to that point
willing to wait for marriage to have sex; I wouldn't want to wait that long, but it's nice to have someone offer that without expectation
is very VERY into me but not love bomb-y, he's clear about his intentions and talking about a hypothetical future together but in a realistic and adult way which I appreciate (since we're both in our 30s), and respects my wanting to move slow in general
isn't clingy at all when we're not together and accepts I have my own life and do my own thing, while always making sure to make plans in advance for us to spend time together (1-2x a week); when we are together, he's always focused on me completely and doesn't text or mess around on his phone even if we spend 10+ hours together
health conscious and makes sure he looks good; acknowledges most guys are total slobs and weirdos, and that he feels so bad for his HV female friends since they can't find anyone on their level to date
isn't dating anyone else (allegedly) and is just wanting to see where things go with me, hoping that it becomes serious
Cons:
a little too much social media use (I don't use it at all); I wouldn't think of this as a red flag in most cases, but his is soooo curated and too perfect
religious and has kind of implied I would need to become religious, though he also says we'll deal with it if things become serious
has talked about an "expedited timeline" since he really wants kids
but in conjunction with the above, he also talks about things he still wants to do (like travel together, have adventures, rent out his place and live elsewhere, etc) so it sounds like he even isn't 100% sure of his own timeline
early on he went to show me something on his instagram and a gym thirst trap girl was at the top, several women he dated briefly were in his feed (which he pointed out offhandedly); he made a big show of unfollowing them and stating it's just "when he's single" but it was still ick - also a lot of his stories/anecdotes involve women he's met/dated; I get he's a really popular dude since he looks good, has a great social circle, and is very extroverted, but I feel like he should know better to not talk about that stuff with someone he's trying to date seriously???
workaholic, and I doubt that will ever change since he talks about wanting to achieve/maintain a certain lifestyle
Unsure:
mentioned if we ever got married I would need to sign a prenup, since he wouldn't want anyone to be entitled to his family's assets - I can understand this on a level, but I would hate to be left with nothing, especially if we have kids
Reading this all back myself, I find it frustrating how there's ALWAYS a catch when you meet someone that seems like they have it all. It's like: here's a guy, he's handsome, has money, wants a family, over the moon about you - oops, he's still a typical dude who "sometimes" follows thirst traps and whatnot. 🙄 But is it unreasonable to expect 100% perfection? Or are there things you absolutely shouldn't settle for, even if 95% is good?
Obviously I'll continue vetting since I believe only time & consistency reveals someone's true character and separates the scrotes from the HVM. But I'd just really appreciate ANY opinions or advice so far from all you great ladies!! ❤️
Real talk: He doesn't have 95%. Invert that. He has like 5%. All your pros are bare minimum and just because his female family are great (obviously, they're women) does NOT make him great. All the cons are red flags. Block and Delete.
‘Comes from money’ does not make a man high value.
Please don’t settle for a man who looks at porny women on Instagram. Surely that’s a self-explanatory DO NOT PASS GO red flag. This absolutely cancels out anything good about him (the ‘pro’ list was pretty basic tbh). Walk away now before it gets hard to do so.
I don't like the way he talks about future stuff with you like he's dangling it out there like a carrot. He may not necessarily be future faking but it never sits right with me when they do this so early on. First of all, it's too early to be talking about "if" you get married. Second of all, why is he the one making the ground rules for your hypothetical marriage, like it's a prize that he's bestowing upon you?
Instead, his mindset should be the other way around: "I'll do anything for you if you let me marry you."
Wait and watch for more carrot on a stick stuff, or made up hypothetical rewards he wants you to jump through hoops for. Be wary of anything he says that his behavior hasn't backed up. Usually the hoop is sleeping with him.
You mentioned that he said he feels so bad for his female friends since they can’t find anyone on their level to date
That sounds like a big red flag that he told you that. It sounds like they rejected him. why does he even care about their love life? Why does this man tell you, the woman he is interested in, that he has female friends that he feels bad for because they are unlucky in their love life? That is major ick!! At least to me!
"it's just when he's single"...and just when your out of town and and just when you are a bit distant and just when he needs to satisfy his normal urges. His timeline can do one!
You’re not dating the HVW women in his family, sis.
Listen to your gut. The cons are telling you something real.
He's a disrespectful covert narcissist POS for even bringing up other women He's dated to you that soon and for having female friends period.
You're not some puzzle piece he can fit into his life. If he really wants you he'd listen to you and try his best to fit into YOUR life.
A friend married a guy like this and he became a controlling piece of shit after the first baby. He wants a baby, he wants her to quit her job, he wants her to be a SAHM, he wants to move somewhere far from her friends and family, he wants a second baby. My friend's wants never mattered, the whole marriage is her capitulation to his wants. Fuck those guys.
Like others mentioned, the pros aren't HVM signs, they're all bare minimums. The cons are red flags.
Please run.
Why are extroverted men always like this..? They need so much attention and will tell you about all the attention they supposedly get... it's always so performative. This guy has an idea of what he wants and what he wants is a curated idea of himself to sell... so basically, with all the bs he's spouting that he clearly believes about himself... it won't take long before you will find that it's all bs.
The pros are the bare minimum. Most of what you listed is what is expected from a normal, stable functioning adult. Too many red flags from the cons. Seems like he’s tryna triangulate you and make himself look like he can “get women” by pointing out the past people he’s dated. It’s a manipulation tactic men use to make women want them more because it makes them seem like a catch.
I’ve been with someone who is exactly much like you described and although it seems like he’s HVM, he just knows how to act right when treating women but deep down he’s LVM.
I don't know what "vetting" means to you. Some people here seem to think it means always standing guard, never relaxing while dating, and going through their boyfriend's stuff and allowing red flag after red flag to roll by until they get PTSD because maybe, JUST MAYBE that obvious red flag is just him being quirky? Being human? At least he's not Ted Bundy? For me, vetting is simply listening to my gut and when it tells me something is off about a person, I cut them off because the biggest red flag you could get is your own mind/body recoiling in confusion or doubt. No one of worth will cause your mind/body to revolt against itself. If I felt the need to type up a post to ask random strangers what they think about my relationship, I'm willing to bet it's because my gut is telling me one thing (the right thing) and I'm trying to get confirmation from someone, ANYONE to do the other. As others said, nothing in your "pros" column isn't just bare minimum and/or attributes that have anything to do with being a worthy person.
This narcissist is a full-rigged ship's worth of red flags. Good lord. I feel bathed in ick just reading your description of him.
It is in your best interest to block and delete as soon as possible. Do not give him more time to sink his little narcissist's claws in you.
If I were you, I'd thank my lucky stars this LVM has no chill when exhibiting his LVM traits; he has shown you openly that he is LV, and you don't need to associate with him for years to find out. You are finding out now.
Get out ASAP.
P.S. Some people have referred to him as a covert narcissist. I don't think he's being covert or subtle. His narcissism is staring you in the face.