scrotation report update, and more to come

So today I had a very pleasant morning convo with my Texas lawyer guy. This is the one I've gotten along with best. Tonight, some conflicting feelings. He's an extrovert; I'm an introvert. I'm also demisexual, and I don't care if you "believe" in it or not; it comes down to the fact that I'm SUPER slow to develop feelings at all. We're talking months, even a year or more. (Late husband and I took three years of phoning and emailing before we ever met.) This morning he said he thought we were very much in sync. I'm getting over a massive sinus infection (genetically bad sinuses, it always takes two doses of antibiotics and close to two weeks to get it dealt with) so I haven't been as in contact as usual. Tonight, he said he wondered if we were a match. I was dismayed and a bit taken aback, especially given what he said this morning. This needs to be cleared up.

I'm not sure what to make of it. Tomorrow I fully intend to call him, as much as I don't care for talking on the phone because this needs to be a conversation, to see what he wants and expects, and communicate my own wants and needs. I think he as an extrovert expected things to move faster, and that's just not my pace at all. We actually do need a realtime convo to see what we both want, if we're in sync, if what we want is compatible. I'm prepared to stay if we're overall on the same page, or walk if we're not. No struggle, no convincing him, no begging, no proving anything. So tomorrow we'll see what happens. I'd like at minimum to remain online friends: I respect his intelligence, humor, and kindness. But again, not entirely my call. If there is anything there, and he genuinely wants a relationship with me, I'd say he needs to relocate to be closer to me, because I'm not moving; I'm near family and friends after 22 years of living cross-country. Mood overall: no decisions made late at night when I'm tired and confused. One phone call to sort things out tomorrow. I'm keeping an open mind but unwilling to bend over backward, or be ingratiating to try to win him over. If he wants to, he will. If he just isn't feeling it, or if I'm not feeling it after the phone convo, then time to move on. No forcing anything.

Made it clear to sexy bearded Republican dude that I can't date any Republican. Encouraged him to add me on Facebook because this is a medium-sized town and people all know each other here, so no point making an enemy if there's a good chance I'll see him around town. Told him I appreciated him being kind and polite. The relief was palpable when I told him I just couldn't see myself dating any Republican. Don't care if he adds or not. I was kind; if he wants any friendly contact, like "liking" posts, and a holiday greeting, for example, he can initiate or not. I've moved on.

The other guy who is sweet but who had the "crazy" ex-girlfriend is also now just a permanent Facebook friend, one I might go out to lunch with and see maybe a couple of times a year at most, if ever. He was incredibly vague with details about her, which told me all I need to know, and I asked very specific, pointed questions. He tried to pretend that all their issues were way in the past, but that past was only this February. Going to court over a warrant, and saying she stalks him, then denying/downplaying it? I do not believe that she's in the past at all. I think he wants to put her there, but she may not want that, and/or he tolerates more drama than he lets on. I also found out he's on SSI and doesn't make a lot of money, and he has a learning disability, so soft no thanks on those two scores as well. Happy to relegate him to "just online friend" status. Don't care if he unfriends or just fades away. Fine by me if he likes/comments but just stays in the background. I have tons of online friends like this.

Good looking vet tech still hasn't gotten in touch, and Sunday looms closer. I'm fully prepared to let this guy go. I'll keep him as my vet tech; he's good with animals. I don't mind a bit of eye candy when I come in with my kitties and both kitties like and trust him. I do think this guy is extremely single, and just not much of a talker.

Chatted online and flirted a little with my chivalric squire guy in Mississippi. He remains super nice, kind, funny, very easy to talk to. I'm developing a twinge or two of feelings toward him, but don't know how he feels about me, and haven't asked yet. Again, no rush, if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

Overall, I'm glad I now have the intellectual and emotional maturity to sit with my feelings of confusion about Texas lawyer guy and not be a pick-me. I can sort out how I feel, own all gradations of feelings, and realize I don't have to do anything immediately, that things will sort themselves out soon enough, probably within 24 hours. Pickme in younger days would have felt rejected and been trying to get men to notice and like me and flirt with me to prove how in-demand and desirable I was; now, not necessary, not wanted.

Went out tonight and got a bite to eat, and overheard super-young couple talking. He talked over her, interrupted, and I heard "shut the fuck up" in there somewhere, not sure if it was to her or repeating what was said elsewhere. And I could see she was trying to make him understand something, working hard at understanding him, and all he was trying to do was "win" and dominate. They were using the same language, but not speaking the same language. We've all been there, I think. I wanted to say something to her, but there wasn't an opportunity, so I just took the opportunity to remember that I've been loved well and truly. I know what it feels like to be in sync with someone, not just a romantic partner, but family and friends. I know what it's like to be cherished, loved, appreciated just as I am, warts 'n' all. And I remember all the not-right dudes I dated, hooked up with, lived with, and the first husband, too. I took the opportunity to look at her as a version of my younger pickme self, and think just how far I've come. These days, no struggle, no tears, no inner struggle.

Overall, I'm having fun with this, and when it stops being fun, I'll stop and dip out for a while. If one of these relationships works out and becomes a full-on, full-time relationship with lots of love, devotion, never-ending conversation and tons of mutual appreciation, awesome. If none work out, it is what it is, and I've made a few friends along the way (who can stay at a distance). I just know that there's no need to struggle, to prove myself, to prove my worth. They see it, or they don't. If they want to, they will. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Goodnight, queens. More later.