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Is it fucked up that I expect the man I love to support me if I'm down a lot financially and need his help, but am turned off at the idea of him asking me for help in a situation just because I might make more money someday? This guy has been very sweet to me otherwise, but his texts here concern me. He says he wants to do his best to grow and take care of me (so far, I've paid for nothing). But man, I don't like it when men kinda make women feel guilty for wanting a provider. Women go through so much shit in this world and FDS taught me it's okay to want more out of a man to compensate. Messages like these make me worry or feel guilty though. I wouldn't leave someone I love just because someone else makes more money. But it does matter to me that the man I'm with is doing his very best to provide and is able to. He does make more than me right now and I guess I don't like the thought that if I start making more, is he gonna expect to not need to be a provider?
I TOTALLY want to provide for you, but providing for you makes me scared and insecure that you'll cheat or find someone who provides even more. But if you provide for me, that would make me feel so much more secure, because you'll be too financially strapped to leave me, I'll make sure of it. Were not even a couple yet and I'm guilt tripping you. My ex mommy paid my way, why don't you? Sigh, I miss her. *sobs*
The red flags are hatching red flags.
This is manipulative and reveals how insecure he is. If he's so "scared" of his partner expecting him to provide, he shouldn't date until he's conquered those demons.
I get the ick just reading those texts. Yuck. NEXT!
1. Being a provider is 80% a mindset and only 20% about the money. If a man has a provider mindset, it doesn't matter how much money he makes, even if it's 50 cents, he will give you 40 cents. If he doesn't have that mindset, he will always feel insecure and that he is ''not making enough'' to provide. I have seen families where a man earns minimum wage and his wife doesn't work (yes, can be dangerous). The husband provides 100%. They don't live fancy, but it would not even cross their minds to ask their wives to go work and 'help them out'. On the other hand, in my profession, I met men who earn twice the average and ''could not be a provider'', because they ''aren't making enough''. 2. Chapters of text messages, is looking for sympathy, extremely insecure. He tries to sound like he is on board with you, but he really isn't and just making excuses. It will blow back in your face. Does he make you feel safe? I surely wouldn't feel safe nor sexually attracted to him after reading that. How to make a woman dry in 3 seconds. Major ew.
“Thank you. I’m tearing up because the way you put that is easing my insecurity. I’m sorry.” Beware of these softboi types. This loser needs therapy. He’s using you for emotional labour because he never got love from his mom, so he seeks complete comfort and reassurance from women, and he’ll continue to do so if you don’t block and delete. He’s telling you he can’t stand on his own because he’s weak-willed and too stupid to thrive in a world made for him. Throw him back to the streets where he belongs.
Ugh I don't like those texts at all. He's trying to worm out of any sort of responsibility and ensure that he would get something out of it later should he actually support you now. That is not love. He is a score-keeping, transactional, egocentric loser.
Yes, that’s a red flag. I think he’s laying the groundwork so that he can try to depend on you later then turn around & say “but you SAID you didn’t value me for my money” or something to that effect.
I understand he’s worried because he doesn’t make a lot of money so far and wants to be more well off. But him bringing up how his ex made so much more and that’s why he never had to worry about finances turned me off. Sigh. I’m sorry I think I’ve been conditioned by the world lately to feel guilty for wanting a financially stable man, but I deserve to want that. Don’t I? Sorry ladies. Sometimes I need FDS to gently reassure me of my standards or concerns.
I don't mean to seem selfish or like a hypocrite. Bottom line, if someone is my husband and he's always had my back - I would want to help him while he's struggling. But he'd need to get back on his feet and understand I want to be provided for in the end.
My ex asked me a similar question. We were about to get engaged and move in together when I found out that he expected me to foot most of our shared living expenses while he “gets his career going”. OP, run.
Uh, how long have you guys been dating? This seems odd that he would even bring up a “hypothetical” so early in the relationship, especially considering he currently makes more than you?
Honestly, someone you just started dating wouldn’t even bring something like this up if they wanted you to like them. I feel like this is a big red flag, not even just due to his financial insecurity. But it feels like a mix of lovebombing, guilt tripping (because he’s been paying) and triangulation with the ex.
I'll just say the mean parts out loud: he sounds like a whiny little bitch who will wheedle and cajole you to support his lazy ass as soon as he thinks he has you hooked. A HVM would never, not for anything, send messages like this. A HVM would cringe at even the thought of this exchange, let alone actually send it in writing.
Dump him now. He will be an albatross around your neck for as long as you are together, draining you emotionally, physically, and eventually financially. You can do so much better than this! His texts make my skin crawl.
This is why ill never forsake a career. I don’t want to depend on men because they always ask more back than you can take.
Girl you might as well just date women at this point
The question I always have to ask is what these insecure men do provide? If they cannot provide money, do they think there is nothing else they have to offer in a relationship!? I guess they know they aren't worth it. And if there is nothing else they provide other than money, why not seek a trophy pickme and be done with it?
Sis are you talking to my ex? Cuz he sounds a lot like him and I definitely earned around 10 times more than his lazy broke ass did back then. And my hyperproductive ex pick me self also made sure he didn't feel stressed about providing for me.
Anyhow, big nope! According to him he was rightfully dropped by a Queen and we can see through these texts why so!
"I'm tearing right now" EW no! I don't see no tears in texts and it's almost impossible to type with tears in eyes because of blurry vision. (Ask me how)
The first part was "mmm.. where is this going?", the second was "oh my god, no".
He's comparing you to his ex and triangulating
From the first message I expected him to be someone who is used to provide.. But then he says he has never provided, so what is he feeling used for?Bullshit.
Using the insecurity card to manipulate you out of what you want and into what he wants. Manipulative.
Insecure men even when not manipulative are the most entitled creatures and sometimes dangerous. Avoid.
Good god, what a whiny loser. He is testing the waters to see how much of a lazy douche you will tolerate. Raise your standards, and block and delete this idiot.
If it's a deep fear, how is he working through it? Other than you lowering your standards?
"I wish I wasn't insecure about it." Accommodate me. Be my therapist. I'm a victim of my life and passive in its growth. I expect you to be the driver of both our needs.
Props to this guy for so explicitly telling on himself 🍵
This guy sounds really whiny
Trust your intuition.
Sis a real provider would never even ask a question like that because it would never be an option in his world. He is tryna make you feel bad. He sounds very insecure and stating pure facts about himself. He is definitely not enough for you 😂