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Storytime: let me tell you about an LVM I dated many years ago, pre-FDS.
Among his numerous LVM traits, he had a "best friend" who was a married woman. They had met when they were both single and in graduate school, and she had married someone else later on. They had never dated, and as far as I know, she had never felt romantically towards him.
When I dated this LVM, he and his "female friend" spent time one-on-one frequently. When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he called me "sexist", "misogynistic", and "discriminatory" against women. I was made to feel my culture was "backward" and stuck in the Middle Ages. When we broke up, he bitterly informed me the next woman he dated would certainly not be as "sexist against women" as I apparently was. (Of course, this man called himself a "liberal feminist".)
Later on, her husband told me that my LVM boyfriend had had a crush on his wife since the day he met her. This explained everything about the way my LVM boyfriend acted towards her and the defensiveness he had about spending time with her.
I hope this serves as a reminder that most men cannot be close friends with ANY woman regardless of her marital status. Do not tell yourself the married woman your boyfriend/husband is hanging out with is "safe" just because she's married. If he insists on spending time with her, and it makes you even the least bit uncomfortable, it is a red flag. Do not negotiate, do not gaslight yourself, do not let it drag on for months. Just end it right then and there.
I'm sharing this story because I do not want any women to suffer the way I did.
I agree. This topic of male/female friendship has been up this week here. While some people say that it’s completely normal I think it really depends. If men spend time with women in group settings it’s fine and healthy. But if he insists on having a female friend who he spends time alone I would be careful. And yes even if she’s married.
Yup, extreme defensiveness is the #1 indicator that there's more to the relationship, even if one-sided. I've been on the other side and it doesn't feel good knowing you're affecting another woman's relationship (yes I cut him off). Since that experience, I'm never dating a man who feels the need to have a close "friendship" with another woman. No amount of "you're just being insecure/jealous/misogynistic(???)/etc." gaslighting will move me from that.
I think a big issue today and why this happens is that modern generations have a completely WARPED view of intimacy. Men will act like the only difference between a female partner and female friend is that you’re allowed to kiss/have sex with one of them but there is so much more to relationships than that! If you are in a long-term relationship, that other person should be your ONLY confidante of the opposite sex. That doesn’t mean you can’t have female friends if you hang out in a group or know a friend’s girlfriend, but you shouldn’t be going out of your way to explore an intimate, one-on-one friendship with a woman if you’re a taken guy. It’s extremely disrespectful to your partner and honestly sends the message that she isn’t enough for you or her advice/guidance doesn’t cut it.
Like do these people think John Adams was sending letters asking for advice to other women besides his wife Abigail?
Genuinely, I think a big reason why divorce rates are so high is because people have completely lost the point of what intimate, romantic relationships should be and what energy you need to reserve for your partner alone.
I'm curious how/why her husband was okay with his wife hanging out with this dude, especially knowing he had a crush on her.
Men can’t even be friends if they are in a relationship. I knew a dude before he became a father, We saw each other again after months, he complimented my weight loss and when his baby mama who is also knocked up for the second time went into the store he turned around and said “ When shall we meet up for a date?”