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I matched with a guy that understood my sense of humor and we talked a lot. He was giving me all the right signs. He was very romantic, even more because I have a joke on my profile about liking to be swooned.
And yet, I felt it in my gut. I noticed he kept dancing around my questions. First thing I made him admit instead of him directly telling me was that he had a bad job. From what he has on his profile you'd assume it was a good job. Second question he dodged was if he lived alone - I got him to confessed he lived with his parents and usual 2 page explanation of this insecurity was sent to me. I already had these 2 red flags and usually when it reaches the 3 I always cut them out. But then 3rd one came early in the day of the date when he says actually he forgot to book a table and the restaurant we talked about is full. I had already dyed my hair and had a cute outfit so I was like oooook breathe, this happens. I tell him 'oh that's disappointing where are we going then?'. He struggles a bit with organization - I mean, it's literally dinner anywhere - and I feel it in my gut I should cancel. But I ignore myself.
Many other red flags come once I meet him. First, he's wearing a band tshirt (I looked super cute) and he didn't smell very good (but it was very hot so I was like ugh, fine, maybe I'm being sensitive to smells). Next one came when I asked him where he parked his car and he admitted not having a car - I live across town - am I supposed to drive to him every single time I want to meet??? And let's not forget dropping him off at home. Of course this never came up in the conversations of us going out in multiple parts of town. Fine. We have our date. Things get a lil better. Then lo and behold, in front of the waitress, loud and clear, he asks 'do you want to split the bill?'. I was so embarrassed that I blinked and said sure. I paid my part. Then I power walked to my car. He asked me if he could take me out on Wednesday. How are you going to "take me out", exactly? How immature do you have to be to look at a 50€ bill on a first date which YOU invited me to - across town no less! - and not immediately pay for it? How immature. I have a great job - which he never asked anything about by the way, probably due to his insecurities - I don't need to be paid to eat but holy fuck, it's a first date he PUSHED me to go. After that I didnt talk with him and then he sent me a long message all like he's unsure why I didnt say anything yet but you can tell he knows why he fucked up but would not admit it. I blocked him. I am angry because I waisted money, not just on the food but very expensive city center parking, dyed my hair and got all dolled up. I had a lot of expectations. This is what I get for ignoring my standards over connection. I'm sad girlies. Maybe more with myself than the guy. Why do I keep lowering my standards like this? I thought I was doing better...
Girl, I have been there. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing what most women do : giving men the benefit of the doubt. This is a reminder that they are not like us, and that the handbook has these rules to protect you. Do not lower your standards, wouldn't you have better enjoyed that night in your own company rather than with a scrote that knew full well that he was taking advantage of your good nature?
You've done the homework of identifying all the red flags you ignored and this is going to help you dodge them in the future. So this is time we'll invested. I get it, I'm stubborn, I also had to learn the hard way, but now I have the backing (in my mind) to double down on my standards. Stay strong queen!
This is basically a typical experience with a typical single man in the year 2023. This is what 99.999% of them are like: complete losers, broke, rude, inconsiderate, slovenly, lazy, irresponsible, boring, sits there and talks about himself, gives zero shits about you. The only things your date lacked that mine usually have are elements of substance abuse, a learning disability, severe low IQ to the point of borderline retardation, allusions to a criminal record, or evidence of a gambling problem or financial fraud/collections.
They are all literally actual bums. 99.99999% of all men just want someone they can treat really bad. That's literally it. Congrats on not being that person.
You're on the right track, you just have to cut them off after the first red flag, not the third. That would have saved your time, energy and money. Now you know for next time.
I’m really sorry; I have been there too. I once had a pretty great connection with a man on OLD over our shared sense of humor and on the first date he dumped an immense amount of baggage on me and also admitted he didn’t have a job other than UberEats.
For some reason, these absolute nothing-to-offer men seem to be VERY good at forming connections over texting sometimes. They’re masters of mirroring. They can find out exactly what type of person you are and what you want and mirror that exactly. Men like this also like to ask you out on a second date immediately after the first date, in person, because they know you’ll feel pressured to say “yes” and a lot of women will be afraid to back out later. He sounds like a very manipulative type.
With OLD I think it’s ok to unmatch at the first major red flag, definitely the second. Anytime a man dodges a simple question, I would just unmatch then as well. In my experience I have never found a man who still lives with his parent(s) past 30 worth dating because I eventually find out there are many other big issues involved with that. This has now become an instant deal-breaker. I know there could be an exception out there, but if you take a chance on every possible exception, you will end up wasting way too much valuable time.
Yet another example of the dumpster fire that is OLD.
You need to read or reread the section on being dumb as a fox in Why Men Love Bitches. When he asks if you want to split the bill, just act confused. "Why would we do that?" Or "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."
You may need to role play with a girlfriend or even make flash cards for typical scrote situations and how to properly respond.
On another note, I once dated a guy who didn't have a car (neither did I) so he called a car service for me (this was before Uber) to pick me up and drop me off. I didn't ask or hint, he just did it.
If he has trouble taking initiative or organizing things, dump him. Otherwise your future will be spending Sunday nights coordinating your work calendar with the kids school calendar while meal prepping for the week while he watches football in his underwear.
Boo, sorry this happened to you. I think what's difficult when dating and vetting is acknowledging that men being funny and even decent conversationalists unfortunately means nothing. We know that the first red flag is an indication of many more, so save yourself the trouble and wasted time and block, block, block EVEN if he seems like he has other positive qualities.
Because you want connection and you haven’t completely given up on hope. I think most if not all of us have been there. It’s rough and I’m sorry.
Never go to their side of town or out of you way.
Only accept dates within a 10 minute drive of where you are located.
One red flag is enough to cancel a date. And your gut to was telling you something was off. Lean into those feelings. I strongly believe that women are biologically wired to have a strong sense of when something is wrong because we are physically weaker than men. I always had a horrid time when the didn't listen that feeling that something was off. It's not your fault because women are brainwashed too dismiss these gut feelings and intuitive observations. So unfortunately we learn through bad experiences. Sorry you had to deal with this scrote 😞
Have backup plans for after a date. There's nothing worse than getting dolled up for a scrote who will waste your time. Dates should be 1 to 2 hours max. Never over 2 hour. Ideally 1.5 hrs is reasonable. Men need to earn your time. You cannot spend too much time with them in the early days. First 2-3 dates should not exceed 2 hours. To keep yourself disciplined on this schedule a really fun night out with friends and acquaintances or family for immediately after your date. Buy tickets to a concert, show, somewhere nice.
Read the handbook. It gives a lot of wonderful tips on how to avoid these situations in the first place. We cannot always avoid bad situations but the handbook definitely helps minimize them.
Thank God you stopped talking to him. Too many times have I seen women stay. in addition, till this day, there are guys I went on dates with who still don’t know what they did wrong and continue to ask me out hahaha so I guess he’s learning 🤷🏻♀️ Not that it matters anymore or that it’s a redeeming quality.
You’ll find someone better who can actually afford to take you out and spend on you.
You're being too hard on yourself. Sometimes a bad first date can be a useful 'practice' thing just to get into the rhythm of meeting someone new. The important thing is that you picked up on all the warning signs pretty much immediately, and knew to be cautious with your expectations and affections. Well done, you!