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Many years ago, I had low self-esteem and was very lonely. Combined with the "just give the ugly guy a chance" and "ugly men treat women better" crap I was raised with, this was a perfect recipe for a bad relationship. There was a coworker at my warehouse job who developed a crush on me. He was honestly very unappealing, but like I said, haven't we all been gaslit to think "giving the ugly guy a chance" was the way to go? After all, we "aren't visual creatures" and "shouldn't be shallow", according to society. Bad haircut, very overweight and out of shape, wardrobe consisted of Marvel shirts and sweatpants. I decided to "give him a chance".
There was much that went terribly wrong, but I'll try to focus the post on one thing: hygiene. I was raised to have particularly high hygiene standards. No shoes in the house, sheets washed weekly, floors and bathrooms cleaned weekly, dishes washed before you go to bed, laundry done 2x a week, etc. And while I don't judge people who live differently, I could not live with someone who was not on board with this way of living.
Anyway, one of our earlier conversations was about this topic. And he swore up and down that he was tidy, he was hygienic, he "couldn't deal with a dirty house". And the first time I went over to his apartment, it was totally spotless. House was vacuumed, there wasn't any mess anywhere, there was no stench, the bed was made, bathroom was clean. So I thought that he was for real.
Over a couple of months of getting to know him, and coming over to his apartment here and there, the mask started to slip off. His home slowly became a repulsive pigsty. Dishes went unwashed for so long they started to mold, the place reeked, there was laundry all over the floor, the bedsheets went unwashed for so long they had sweat stains, he wore the same clothes for days on end, he would have a nosebleed into the bathroom sink and wouldn't wipe it up for days... I could go on. Really, I could.
I should have pulled the plug sooner, I know, but I've already expained why I didn't. If I ever pointed out that he needs to do laundry, or tidy up, or wash dishes, he'd get angrier and angrier with me. One time he screamed at me because I asked him to wash his dishes because they smelled terrible, and were the reason cockroaches came into his home. Around this time, he also had a temper tantrum because a male coworker called me to inform me that my PTO was entered incorrectly and I could get fired if I don't fix it (this male coworker had absolutely no romantic interest in me).
I started to feel so scared of him that I just couldn't bring myself to come over anymore. We talked on the phone here and there, and he constantly bothered my mother (he thought that by faking an appealing personality to her, he would make it harder for us to break up). Eventually, I told him over the phone that I don't like being around him and that we have nothing in common and that I don't wish to see him anymore. He video called me a few days to show me his self-harm scars from how badly he took the breakup. That was the last time I ever communicated with him.
So, the moral of the story: Don't reveal too much of your standards. Let them reveal their standards instead. Also, the kind of person who pretends to be someone they're not in order to make you feel interested in them, is also likely to be a person with other psychological issues. In essence, they are pathological liars, and usually that comes as a package deal with other disordered thinking and behavior.
Men are so repulsive. Good for you for getting out of this, and thanks for telling us this story.
Straight up, the best thing I think I’ve taken from FDS is this: let the scrotes show you their cards, and then make decisions based on this. Don’t tell them what you like in a man, don’t tell them what was wrong with your ex, just observe how they behave when they’re themselves, left to their own devices. The truth about them will be revealed and then we decide whether we want them or not. This is an ongoing process, THIS is vetting.
The other thing your story shows is how much we've been lied to about giving losers a chance. Insecure unaccomplished men are always the most abusive and paradoxically NEVER appreciate you giving them a chance. They'll take the opportunity you give them and beat you to death with it if they can. (Not an exaggeration.)
This goes hand in hand with never answering the question, "What do you look for in a guy/relationship?" These guys are the biggest liars, and most likely Narcissist. They are asking to get your blueprint so they can put that hat on to become what you want. If a guy ever asks me that question again my response will be, "Not you!" Then hightail it outta there.
That's straight up a biohazard. I would be embarrassed to bring anyone into my house, much less a potential relationship. I had no idea unwashed dishes grew mold on them until I used Reddit at 14😂 and some of them would talk about it like it's normal too, like it's the EXACT SAME when u forget some lettuce and suddenly it's brown and soggy 😂 there needs 2 be a full scientific study on why men tend to be dirtier than women.
This is the stuff of horror movies. I actually had a nightmare after reading your post. 😪
And yes, I agree we should let the men reveal themselves before laying out our standards. The last man I went on a date with revealed, in the course of the date, that he was a fuckboy who strung along his forever girlfriend and eventually dumped her because she wanted kids ASAP and he did not. He wasted a large portion of this woman's 20s.
I doubt he would've revealed all that if I'd given him a blueprint of what I expected from a partner.