and the scrotation (this time around) is at an end

A couple of days ago I wrote that Texas lawyer guy wasn't sure, and we'd talk on the phone. Well, we did talk, not long, but a pleasant introductory conversation of a few minutes while I drove to the movies where I was meeting a friend. He wasn't manipulative at all, and we didn't discuss what reservations he had since it was just an introductory call. I wanted this convo to have a time limit; I also wanted him to know that I have friends, and I have things I'm doing, so I don't have endless time to talk on the phone, not that it's my fave thing anyway as an introvert. And we got on, our conversational rhythms were good.

However, the moment he said he was unsure via text, I realized within about 24 hours, I was done. No more pickme gaslighting myself, no proving anything, no trying to convince him of my worth or desirability, no hanging on. I sent him a text this morning, with the caveat that we could talk more by phone if he wanted, that said basically I REALLY like you as a friend. I respect your intellect and politics and you make me laugh. I also told him that living 2.5 hours away isn't convenient, and I'm not moving; it's also unfair to ask him to move since we only just met. I mentioned his uncertainty was a definite deciding factor this early on. After Jack in the 90s when I knew I wanted to move anyway, no more LDRs ever again. I want someone who is close, local, convenient. Geographic desirability is real, especially after living in Los Angeles for over two decades. The relief I felt after sending him the text was palpable. Date like a dude, ladies: move on at the first signs of vague discontent, uneasiness, uncertainty, not feeling it, otherwise you're settling, and it'll never last.

One of the other things that cemented my being done was that he mentioned reservations/uncertainties, and yet the phone call didn't seem to have any reservations, and he went back to texting like he usually did. So what reservations? about what exactly? There was some real cognitive dissonance there that I noted and marked in my own mind. Either you have reservations and are unsure, or you aren't, so don't say one thing, and yet act all friendly and open and go on as before. That was enough of a yellow flag to me to call things off completely. If actions and words don't match up on a small thing early on, it just doesn't bode well in the long term.

Vet tech dude did get back in touch with me, but tomorrow is Sunday, so I have a distinct feeling he's going away. Fine to keep him as my vet tech, but he's just not the one with such lack of communication. He is extremely single, very independent, not one to chat or keep in touch or try to get to know me, and I'm damn sure not chasing. I dropped a hint that I'd like dinner and a movie, and he went nowhere with it. Done, thank you, that's all I need to know. No hard feelings, just time to pick up and keep on moving.

Chivalric squire dude remains in contention, the last man standing, and we're taking things slow, which I don't mind at all. He mentioned the possibility of having his work days changed to give him weekends off, so I'm hoping that means he might come see me. (Which means a hotel room for him, no way I'd let an essential stranger stay with me alone.) We'll see. No matter what, this guy is a friend online and at the medieval re-enactment events we go to. He's also shown that he's a feminist ally in the wake of RvW being overturned, so another star in his crown. If he wants more, he knows how to use his words and I feel sure he will broach the subject if he wants to. I for one don't mind if we remain just friends, or try to see if we'd make good long-term partners. I like the slow pace; I really adore friendship first, which always reassures me when getting to know men.

I'm also not surprised the scrotation fell apart as quickly as it did, which to my way of thinking is what it's supposed to do. It's all about vetting anyway. During the first day, week, month, I'm looking for red flags, for reasons to exclude men and move on. They have to prove trustworthiness, that they have a good mind, a good heart, a good character. They have to prove they are funny, solvent, imaginative, open-minded, all of it.

I also told Texas lawyer guy that everyone deserves to be someone's "hell yes" and I wasn't feeling that kind of wild YESSSS energy about him as a partner, but was feeling it as a friend, and the moment he said he had doubts, I knew he wasn't feeling it about me as a partner either. I settled once, and of course, dear readers, I divorced the dude! No settling ever again. It's ultimately unfair to both people if you're just not REALLY REALLY into each other. You're going to hold back, have doubts, just not give it your all, and none of that is fun or fair or kind. I'm also over that kind of young woman pick-me self-gaslighting I used to do, where I used to try to convince myself I was more into a guy than I really was. Gone, so gone, long, long ago.

All of these guys seem like honestly pretty good men, not toxic, but just not the ones for me. I'm so done giving chances, trying to convince myself I like a guy, ignoring my gut, and trying to force things to work. Those days are long gone, decades ago. I can honestly say I like myself so much more as an older woman in the dating scene, way more than I ever did as a younger woman. I know myself so much more; I know what red flags to look for; I know when to give a chance, and when to call it and quit. I know now how to ask questions, and what to look for when a man answers. I know how to center myself, my wants and needs, and not try to be what a man wants. And because the hormones are much, much lower, because I've already had life experience of having been married, I'm not at all desperate, clingy, nervous about being desirable. Life is better.

As of now, time to take a short break from dating. I'll look if Facebook notifies me I have matches, but otherwise, I'm not bothering. I may check it once a week or so. Hope you enjoyed these scrotation reports, queens. It's been an enlightening journey so far, and who knows, I may cobble together yet another scrotation in the future.