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I have a friend who says she used to have too many rules when it comes to dating. Well, we here at FDS know that's called "having standards", right? Thing is, recently she's changed her mind about that because she would end up with LVM, or she would suffer for being lonely, given that the men available were shit. So in the end, it didn't matter that she followed her rules, she was miserable anyway.
So now she's been allowing herself to live life in a more spontaneous way, just letting things happen. If she likes the guy and he's poly (something that would go completely against her rules), she doesn't care. She wants to be with him, so she let's it happen. She recognizes this also hurts her, but she figured since she's going to suffer no matter what she does, let's at least have a few pleasant moments before sinking into shit. Having fun before being miserable is better than just being miserable with no fun at all.
I see a lot of myself in her. I've always had standards and never got much out of it. Now I'm more mature I feel like I've missed a lot, but at the same time, I know I've been able to save myself a lot of trouble and trauma. However, I don't think it's a good idea to just "let things happen and have a little bit of fun" because, as women, we don't get to experience love and sex spontaneously. That's way too dangerous in so may levels... And that makes me really angry! It's not fair! We fall in love, we become vulnerable and dumb, and men can do whatever they want to us. It's literally a risk of death. That's so cruel!
I wish we could allow ourselves to just live and love. I'm so tired of being so cautious all the time. I know that even if I find a HVM, I'll never know for sure he is "safe" for me because he would still hold the power patriarchy had given him. I'll still be vulnerable to HIS decision of being decent. I won't ever be able to let my guard down. That's very stressful. I'm just so angry at this and I feel like we'll never be able to change anything. Look around. Today's feminism seems to work against us more than ever, mysogynists aren't even ashamed anymore, conservatives are rising, liberal progressives are nonsensical... I don't foresee any improvements in the near future.
Edit: some typos.
whenever i feel despondent over reality, i remind myself that even if the world implodes the next moment and we all go down, at least i know i did right by myself to the very end. i feel you, sis. life is endlessly cruel.
I hear you, it's so frustrating that women can't enjoy life as freely as men. However, whenever I feel pessimistic and miserable, I remind myself that as a young woman I'm actually luckier than any of my ancestors. Just thinking about women being men's slaves throughout most part of the history of humanity, with no rights or autonomy, makes me feel grateful that we're in 2022 and no one is going to force me to marry and bare the children of a man I despise.
It's not near as much as men have, sure, but at least we have the choice of playing the dating game with our rules and standards or simply not playing. I feel like there's a way out of our own suffering in comparison to our grandmothers. And if that's not enough, I focus on the things that make me genuinely happy as an individual, and simply try to de-center romance.
I pity your friend, I hope those fleeting moments of happiness are worth all the pain she'll feel later on.
I can relate to this a lot. Especially when it comes to emotional vulnerability, trust, and being affectionate... I am starting to realize that women aren't allowed to be emotional just like the men have been taught, too. Then again, I think it's men who are allowed to be as emotional as they please, while women have to suck everything up and pretend that nothing bothers us. It's insane.
I just hate that like... Maybe there never will be a man that I can completely let my hair down with him, so to speak. That I will always have to vet, strategize, and always have one foot out the door to leave him behind if he starts acting up. Not to mention, I think men just seriously hate the deep emotional world inside a woman's mind, and it's hard to imagine how in the world could men ever fall in love with a woman if they hate such a huge part of us?
“Let things happen” has always been code for me personally to cap off, “…to me.”
She wants to experience something even if she has to delude herself to get it. Been there, so I can see myself in her. I used to be hungry to just have any type of dating experience that I put up with trash. Single as a Pringle for 3 years soon, I now give myself the fun experiences. Instead of dragging dead weight, I'm having a blast by myself or with friends. Not feeling like I was missing out anymore coupled with remembering the experience of constant disappointment as I lowered my standards while dating, I'm in a great place now because I get the best of all worlds.
Maybe this will help your friend? Get her creating her own experiences will strengthen her to drop him and raise her standards back?
> She recognizes this also hurts her, but she figured since she's going to suffer no matter what she does, let's at least have a few pleasant moments before sinking into shit. Having fun before being miserable is better than just being miserable with no fun at all."
This mindset is literally the entire liberal feminist ideology.
Any person who cares and tries with another person is vulnerable to getting hurt. Male or female. I think it seems like men dont have to worry about getting hurt is just because so many men are psychopathic and don’t see women as human. Likely due to porn. Any man who is capable of love is vulnerable. Some of the most confident and best looking men I’ve known have been cheated on and crushed from a relationship in the past. There’s just a lot of actually psychopaths out there these days but you do not want to spontaneously sleep with someone who sees you as a notch in their belt or will feel they ’won’ by sleeping with you.
Honestly she's exhibiting self harming behavior.