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I have a friend who is about to marry a total scrote. They met on Tinder and have been together about a year. It was a rocky start & they already broke up once. The first thing I heard about him was how he got drunk, tried to fight women at the bar and punched her wall. He's living here illegally and has been talking about marriage and anchor babies since they met. He's nearly 40, moved into her her apartment (she says he pays rent at least), doesn't have a real job, and just works with his friends under the table making edibles for their failing company... I wish I was joking. They are getting legally married in a few days so he can get a bank account and health insurance. Otherwise she has no idea when the actual ceremony will be. I wish I could understand what she's thinking or at least have a blunt discussion about it, but I've been extra careful about how I approach the situation. Her last bf ended up being married and her friends had to stage an intervention almost to get her to wake up. For most of our friendship, she didn't date anyone seriously, so I'm actually stunned by her poor choices. I know there's nothing I can really do but wow, it's hard to keep quiet. She watches 90 days fiance, I don't understand what she is doing! I actually feel sick because he seems dangerous. I feel like she was a mark.
I have to update: the man was arrested for being drunk and disorderly in public and just spent a month in rehab. I can't believe shit has hit the fan so quickly, and her parents still support their relationship...
It's now or never.
Have the uncomfortable conversation knowing it'll probably be the last time you ever speak to her. At least then your conscience will be clear and she'll know she can reach out when she's ready to leave him.
Be compassionate and respectful but don't mince words, she needs to hear someone say it out loud.
I'd stick to facts. For example,
"Here's what I see when I look at this relationship: XYZ"
"Does this arrangement seem fair to you?"
"If nothing changed from today forward, would that work for you?"
Also, casually remind her she can call it off. The more nonchalant you are, the more convincing you'll be that it's no biggie if she pulls a runner.
Good luck
Please say something to her. This happened to one of my college friends and she had to pay for everything when they got divorced and he got off scott free. It took her about 3-5 years to pay off everything.
You definitely should say something while she can still get out.
He is clearly using her for the green card. You said he's illegal, and that he's been hounding her about marriage and anchor babies since day 1. Of course he is cause he needs to marry an American to get his green card. Please tell her this. I went through this myself before and it's a nightmare when you want to get divorced,. Cause they will do everything to prevent yo from divorcing them till they get their citizenship.
This is a terrible situation. I would address it with finesse. You don't have to deliver a lecture, as I'm sure other people in her life are lecturing her already.
When my best friend married a man who had overstayed his visa, I told her, "Time will tell" in a serious tone. That was all I said, even though I disliked the man and their relationship. She had lost several friends over the issue, and I did not want to alienate her.
I guess my advice is to say something soon, but try to be delicate about it, as she's probably in a fragile state of mind. She sounds like she needs help.
Say something now because if she makes a choice that ruins her life, you might live with regrets forever. I would try to gently but honestly discuss this in a relaxing setting to help her let her guard down. I would ask things like:
Has she properly researched all the legal consequences of marriage where she lives ? Like, if they divorce later, does she know how expensive that will be for her? It will probably cost a lot of money, does she not mind throwing all of that money down the drain?
He's tried to fight women before, does she realize that that's a sign that he might hit her at some point or be emotionally abusive? Does she realize that that could lead to trauma that makes it hard for her to open up and find another partner after their relationship is over?
What if he gets busted for the edibles (ie drug) business he's a part of and has to pay a huge fine or go to jail?
If they have an anchor baby, isn't that kid at high risk of being psychologically/physically messed up by a dad like that?
Why wouldn't she rather be single and peaceful instead of risking being the victim of domestic violence and potentially spending thousands in hard-earned money to try to keep a man? What's so unpleasant to her about being single? If she's just very lonely, what can she do to find another guy to date who isn't violent and who has stable employment?
Girl idc call ICE on him then say it was a white republican you know. #staytoxic
The part about her watching 90 day fiance is so interesting to me. I never thought about how these shows could serve as a brainwashing tool for women like any other media--look at all the reality TV subreddits and ist libfems who know it's trashy and not reality. But your friends case is interesting...🤔
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I did talk to her like some of your suggestions. It was pretty useless because all she did was cite his future promises. She thinks she is going to get a better deal out of it since he promised her UK citizenship as well. She also said he doesn't drink that much anymore. I wanted to tell her that he could switch up after he gets what he wants but I chickened out on that part. She also started "we"ing her sentences: "it's not the wedding we want but we have to take care of the legal stuff first" etc. She doesn't seem to understand the concept that men are manipulative and lie. I honestly think he found his perfect mark because most women would not put up with his violent outburst so early in the relationship, his lack of a real job, and his illegal status while working under the table in the marijuana industry. In his late 30s.
When I looked back at some of the texts she sent me from when he had his drunken outburst, she was actually terrified and talking about how she had to get away from him and never wanted to see him again. They had a courthouse wedding today so... :(
I would sit her down at brunch (take her out) and look her straight in the eyes and say "I really care about you and I want you to know, you don't have to go through with this and you deserve better".