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And pushed to the side out of desire for a man 🫠. I have a whole personality sitting dormant deep inside myself that I've begun neglecting out of fear of judgement. I couldn't escape that constant criticism as a kid and a result I just hide.
I think that's why I would latch on to these nonchalant men who way more hobbies and friends than me. I was living vicariously through them. Findings like this are why I believe shadow work is important.
I know that's a pop psyche term but it's the best word I can use to describe paying close attention to what you're attracted to (situations or people) and what you're triggered or repelled by.
I was attracted to men who represented that deep part of myself that I want to access again. When I was a kid I was describe as a smart ass, bratty, competitive, outgoing etc. Not all of those are good traits, but I had grit as a kid.
A complete 180 of who I am now. Which is meek, timid, a people pleaser, and sensitive. It's funny because my family asks me what ever happened to me and why did I change. But it was kind of them that happened. I only began getting my praise when I became a doormat that didn't make noise.
Nowadays I'm thinking back to all of the things that made me happy as a kid. I used to love singing, dancing, I used to actually enjoy meeting new people. I'm writing all of those things down and those are going to be goals I work towards, in small ways I can manage now and in bigger ways I can invest in later with money once I get a job.
I finally feel excited about the future again. Lately I haven't been thinking about dating as much as I was. I want to recreate that person I was as a kid as an adult :)
Don't you just love it when you are being abused and broken down to submissiveness so that you'll be good enough for your abusers and when you become exactly how they molded you they're being all surprised Pikachu like :o ?? what ever happened to the real you???? :o :o :o The irony is unbelievable. You can't win with these people.
The best thing to do is to dig up your precious and authentic self underneath all the abuse which you are already doing. OP, you should be very proud of yourself already! What you're doing is incredibly hard and takes a lot of courage, introspection and raw honesty. Keep up the good work!
(Edit: Spelling)
This is very true. Becauseof my controlling narc dad and the fact that i have adhd I always was attracted to men who made decisions, took care of the stuff that i found boring and just sort of played a more of a dominant role when it came to life decisions. This was totally opposite to my personality but i just recently found out that i liked it because its familiar and I feel like they help me deal with the chaos of life. But that was very bad, i was very dependant and afraid that i cant do things on my own. Not by own choice but because of life experiences I was forced to grow out of this and the men i like are still similar but for the right reasons. I want them to have these traits because they are adults not because i cant handle it any other way. I dont have this fear attached to them anymore and it feels so much better.