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"____ upsets me."
I found at some point I couldn't bring myself to express this sentiment anymore. Perhaps I got tired of saying it and being ignored or the subtle feeling that certain men set out to upset me and they enjoy it. But moreover it's the sinking feeling that they KNOW what upsets us - they often just don't care. With the last man who hurt me - cut me to the core - I tried to many times to iterate how his behaviour hurt me and I never sent the messages: my pride and my rage would not allow me. It's a new level of self respect and a desire to keep my truth close to me. Words -- especially those close to your heart -- are sacred. I'll not scatter them to the wind of fools. Instead I offer silence and emotional distance. It's far more effective.
My boyfriend is uncanny at reading me; he is exceptionally attentive to me, and by simply frowning, pausing, or changing my breathing in a certain way, I unconsciously alert him to the fact that I am upset. Usually he can deduce why, though occasionally he will ask, with great care and concern. Anyone who you have to cold-open “I’m upset by X” does not have sufficient emotional intelligence or empathy to be your partner or friend. Good for you for safeguarding your truth, heart, and energy 👏❤️
I love this sentiment and agree, not everyone deserves to hear your words or know your truth.
Overexplaining is not worth how much it drains you anyway. You are so right about them knowing it upsets us but they just don’t care.
Be just as dismissive to them!
“Upsets me” is weak. “You’re fucking pissing me off” is more suitable for dealing with men. Men don’t respect sad feelings. Cry, and find out. The only emotion they might respect is anger followed swiftly by consequences like your absence.
Yeah I find all those 'just communicate' psychology articles a waste of time. If a man hasn't got the social skills and emotional intelligence to know what would upset you...don't bother explaining, just block and delete baby. (ok, maybe communicate if the thing that upsets you is extremely niche, like "a phobia of spoons")
Blood in the water test. Vet ruthlessly before you ever tell.
Some men enjoy it when you share how "something upsets you" and love doing it again n again. My psycho ex used to purposely act horrible specially during my periods, because I had shared with him how I'm emotionally volatile around that time and may or may not display the best levels of patience or emotional intelligence. Initially he would use not knowing when I got my periods as an excuse. When i explained how the calender works, he would start acting out couple of days before the expected date of the start of my period and continue till couple of days after it would end. So not only would I be in pain and nauseous physically, but also emotionally drained because of the fights. By acting out, he would totally go beyond all boundaries with vulgar comments and verbal abuse. Everytime even further.
I learned the hard way about how it works when men will cross certain lines in dating (that friends never would). (Obviously not all men will, just talking about the specific men who do). These lines should never have to be enunciated or processed after, because a man wouldn't have crossed the lines in the first place if he was a truly good partner. On OLD, most of the profiles to me show red flags these lines will be crossed, or they already cross the lines in chat (disrespectful, inconsiderate, etc.). When I tried communicating, either the damage was done and my attraction to the person was gone no matter what, or giving them another chance led to them doing another disrespectful thing, ultimately wasting my time.
I am grateful to keep seeing posts like yours here and resistance elsewhere. For friends and family, sure such a statement of "i felt ___ when ____ happened, how can we work together to resolve this?" can help. But in early dating? I refuse.
It's so rough, because we as women keep getting conditioned into doing more and accepting less from men in every way.
It is straight up misogyny, and I love how FDS enforces our right to be picky. I am so grateful for this community liberating us from these archaic, soul-damging silent (or not so silent) expectations. Getting up and leaving, or block and delete, are the best ways of staying safe and happy. Women are not society's scapegoat. Time to claim our lives, to spend time with who we want, and exercise the right to pursue contentment with a live well-lived.
Sending love and happiness to everyone here ❤️